Shidduchim for those with a past

Bachur 2.0 PLEASE PLEASE do not give up or give in. This may just be a last leg of a nisayon. To test yourself to see if you have really closed that door (for your own knowledge, not for others)

You are so right about how qualitative your emunah may be, people who go thru difficult times and turn to Hashem have so much growth and emunah under their belt that so many others don’t have.

I obviously don’t know you but I want you to know (as a mom of both girls and boys) that there are MANY people out there who will be willing to look your way. Even girls without a past. But there are people who are not willing to, and they are not for you. Be grateful for the natural selection process!!! It will save you money from having to go out with everyone and learning later they don’t want you.

In terms of shidduchim I also had a “past” because I grew up modern and went to coed camps and schools. I had the same experiences as you in who would consider me and who wouldn’t. But I learned a few things about the view points over the last 26 years. I see the drawback of marrying someone with a “past” WITHOUT knowing how connected they remain to old habits, and I also see that my husband, who is a baal tshuva, was so much more growth oriented than so many of the FFB men I had dated.

So DON’T take it personally!! Keep davening!! Keep growing!! and know how much Gd loves you for all you have done for him. You sound like a true eved Hashem and you will find the right one at the right time and hopefully not a moment earlier.

I was telling you about my past to let you know the concept has been around forever and that it is individuals, not everyone. I have several children in that age group and have been in the situation you write of, checking out people who have changed or grew up differently. I get it, but if that is all you are bumping up against you may want to stay away from NY shidduchim where those “criterea” seem to be more black and white (and I don’t mean clothing). But, like I said, it will depend on you yourself. I have a close friend who has come miles from where he was at and is very learned and fine but still hangs on to some very demeaning views of rabbanim and certain institutions. In my opinion it is very unhealthy for his children to grow up hearing/witnessing that. So it isn’t just where you are at, but what you have retained inside and what you have left behind. Someone who knows you will see what is there.

“I do not necessarily look the part”

Did you consider starting to look the part?

It’s so interesting you find it hard to date. I hear the opposing side, girls claim that they make one mistake in 10th grade and everything is over. Boys on the other hand can shape up after being who knows where and within a year or 2 will be accepted easily.

Bochur, I am sure their are other guys who have a past and now their very frum and then they are girls being like me who are okay and do not have a past and are willing to date them, that is me. If you read my other thread then you would see that I was asking about a guy who even has a tattoo and came back on and learns full time.

Bochur, it is totally fair. Just because someone did not finish high school and they are very good frum girls they are not marrying the kinds of guys who want girls who finished high school so too and even more so when the girl did something wrong like go off the derech.

Bochur, yes because their is a chance she will become fat again and she is more likely than someone who was skinny always to become fat again.

A guy who is very concerned with weight should not marry such a girl.

Bochor 2.0: See my last comment above; it was posted late.

bmyer, I agree.

bymer, I understand where he is coming from. I also am in a similar situation just different since it is for other reasons rather than having a past since I do not have a past of not being religious.

Sometimes skinny women gain weight because of stress and after having children.

Sometimes men too (sympathy weight during pregnancy, it’s an interesting thing; and then stress too)

Some people who lose weight find it again.

Some people who didn’t lose weight find more.

Some people lose weight and don’t see it again. If someone finds their weight, is there a chiyuv to return it?

Health, I know of girls who can’t get a regular guy.

Bochur you are a hundred percent right in that the system is such that it doesn’t focus enough on the actual person but on where they are from and what yeshiva they are from.

And to everyone who thinks people should be judged by their past are you saying even if you know they have done a full and complete turn around?

Bochor 2.0, a couple of posters here suggested going out with baalas teshuvas. What do you think of that idea?

bmyer someone who grew up yeshivish knowing what it all entailed went otd then on their own accord returned full fledged and has been learning for 3yrs you know as much (if not more) as a guy who has never left yeshiva, no one can ever be certain about anyone.

Misteryudi I could not agree more very well put

bmyer I see you are a very intelligent individual but I was responding to your question of “No. But how do you know?” and my answer is that your are right but with such individuals you know as much as the next guy and your concern should not be any bigger with someone like this than with someone with no past.

bochur, but your not a typical yeshivish boy since you went off and experienced stuff others have not.

bmyer, I agree 100% never know why the person went off and what they will be up to next.

people are you listening to your selves?? we are talking about someone who made the conscious decision to return in full to a life of torah and mitzvos!! yes rebshidduch he experienced things which makes me all the more confident that his emunah and yiras shmayim is stronger then ever since he came from unprecedented depths and fought nisyanos my generation and mainstream bochurim can not imagine!!

Hats off to any bochur like 2.0