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I am curious what people think about it. I never thought there was anything at all radical about asking the girl first, so I was shocked by the responses when someone asked this question in a shidduch forum.
Many of the shadchanim treated it like an off-the-wall radical question. One shadchan was like, “Sure you can have the shadchan ask you first if you are also willing to pick up the guy for the date and pay for the date, etc.”
I always ask people to ask me first. I don’t like the pressure of knowing someone is waiting for my answer.
There’s no reason it needs to be one way over the other. Either way is fine.
Just to clarify that I am understanding correctly: You want the shadchan to ask you if you would be interested before asking the guy?
Because if yes, then they can go and show your pic to the guy and ask if he wants.
Otherwise when it is the other way around, you feel pressure to reply because he already said yes and you know that even taking time to think about it means that he is potentially waiting around for your response.
Maybe also: You (and other women) are under more pressure to say yes to a guy who would otherwise be a no if you could anonymously have the first say.
I think it should go by age, not by gender.
Are you not allowed to take time to respond?
Do shadchanim tell you that you must reply within x hours if you want to meet this guy?
RY23: That rule only applies to board games
Boy first, girl first, who cares? Why do we put up such obstacles to making a shiduch?
I believe guys are generally asked first because they have more suggestions, so if they say no, the girl never finds out and doesn’t feel bad, and the guy moves on to the next.
If a girl says yes and the guy says no, her feelings can be hurt. She’ll sulk and pine till the next suggestion comes along, which may not be for months.
If the guy says yes and the girl says no, he can feel bad for a minute and then say, “Next!”
If the boy says yes and the girl takes a few days to decide by the time she comes back to the shaddchun the boy is setup with another girl. I think most cases the girl’s family are asked first. The only explanation as to why they are asking you last is to encourage you to date more as they may think you declining too many boys.
Abba_S: In my experience the boys family is contacted first and when they give a yes the girls family is contacted. Why this way? Because the shadchanim said so.
Why not ask both at the same time? This would save time as both sides could do their “investigations” concurrently.
adocs: in case one side says no you are not wasting the other sides time.
Abba_S: In my experience the boys family is contacted first and when they give a yes the girls family is contacted. Why this way? Because the shadchanim said so.
I am not saying your way is wrong or that the shaddchan doesn’t do that, just that after the boy says yes the girls doesn’t have much time to check references prior to the first date. Take time and the boy moves on to the next girl. The Shadchan because boys are in short supply wants to make sure he is willing before arranging a shidduch, otherwise it’s a waste of time.
Abba_s: I did not voice an opinion as to which way is better. I only noted what my experience has been. I have both sons and daughters in the shidduch process. If a shidduch is read for my son and we say yes, we don’t listen to or check out other girls until we get an answer from the girls side. When a shidduch was read for my daughter we do our best to do our research within a reasonable amount of time. If the shaddchan starts pressing we just say we are checking into it.
Lilmod, there’s a strong argument that there are more girls in shidduchim than boys in shidduchim, since girls enter the shidduch parsha younger than boys.
there’s a strong argument that there are more girls in shidduchim than boys in shidduchim, since girls enter the shidduch parsha younger than boys.
Indeed.
It is not all that unusual, in my circles, for the girl to be asked first. This typically occurs when the shadchan knows the girl better. The theory is that it’s to her advantage, because a boy (or his parents) is (are) more likely to seriously consider a girl who already said yes than one who didn’t.
It’s probably very different in Eretz Yisroel, where typically, the boys start shidduchim younger than the boys in the US.
I assume this is before the first date?
I’ve had many shiduchim where the girl was asked first, or both of us were asked at the same time. I can’t think of even one case where the shadchan waited for me to say yes before asking the girl. I’m Israeli but I can’t say if it’s like this with everyone here.
I got the impression from a friend that with the Datyim Leumyim you ask the guy first and only once he gave his answer you ask the girl. Many meet on their own, but if they are set up by a friendshadchan it’s done this way.
Personally I see no reason to get offended by being turned down before the first date. Usually no one gives a picture, and the reason for being turned down could be related to the family (E.G. the father isn’t well liked in the community) or there was another suggestion which superficially looked more appealing
If you’re talking about after the date, the shadchan will usually call the guy first for his answer (so the girl isn’t turned down after giving a positive answer)
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