Shidduchim and overweight girls

The whole healthy diet and exercise thing imho is more challenging for frum Yidden, women and men.

-Gyms are limited.

-Yoga may be considered avodah zara and thus not permitted.

-Wearing skirts also adds another challenge to working out (though yes I know that women do it despite the restrictions, but there is a big difference in range of movement compared to untznius attire)

-Shabbos is full of eating and restricts walking long distances

-Yom tovim also full of eating and lounging

-For men, prayer occupies time that could be spent at the gym

-For women, raising children and being in the home or at work limits time to take care of oneself

Yes people somehow manage. Yet there is added stress and hurdles to get through. Stress alone inhibits metabolic efficiency, adds weight to the torso, etc. Plus being so busy can mean less sleep. Sleep deprivation is another way to gain weight despite genuine efforts to be healthy.

Back in the day I did this 5am bootcamp while going to college full-time. I ran around doing bootcamp crazy routines with a yelling drill sergeant every weekday. I may have gained some muscle but lost more body fat when I stopped the program and just slept more instead. I replaced manic morning bootcamp with evening fast-paced yoga and it was a way better fit.

The whole, what you put into your body and what energy you burn = what you will weigh is a myth. There are many additional factors here.

The problem is not her resume. B”H she gets yesses. When I start to check into them or when she actually dates them we discover issues. She has wonderful kiddos and is brimming over with personality. She is very frum but is def out of the box. Oot is probably the path for her but I don’t know how to access that. We have not had Mazel having shadchanim paying us attention. When they hear or see she’s heavy the shutters close and we don’t hear from them again.

“Are the Mods asleep,” I ask myself, rubbing my eyes, “or am I still asleep and dreaming?”

Of course I realize we are open to a great diversity of opinions and outlooks here.

We are happy to hear advice on many subjects, from posters who may or may not know what they’re talking about. On weight loss and nutrition we hear that calories ingested and calories burned don’t affect your weight. We hear this from someone with no medical background or degree in nutrition and we’re happy! (Of course we’re happy. That means the huge portion of kugel and plate of chocolate chip cookies I ate, all lechovod Shabbos, are not the reason my reflection no longer fits into my mirror.)

At some point though, we have to offer the Mods a hefty dose of caffeine.

Here is a sentence I just read:

“Idol worship isn’t a bad thing altogether that’s why people do it”

I think when the subject is Shalosh Chamuros, we have to be somewhat less tolerant of random opinions.

Maybe it’s just me.

Apparently it’s just me.

I accept your rebuke, I will go find the line and try to figure out how it got there. And you know it’s not just you, sometimes it’s just a mistake :0

Date a smoker.

I believe that we seek that which is healthy/good for raising a family, like bearing kids (female) and supporting them (male). A few generations ago, healthy meant plump for a woman. Nowadays, it generally means athletic.

I guess posting comments in the CR means I am opinionated. Well, so be it.

I am old enough to have met and known enough people to conclude that personality and midos are not correlated with weight. There are great people who are fat or thin. There are some awful people who are fat or thin. I recall something about a personality theorist who created personality types by body figure. His name has become obscure since there was never any fact to support the theory.

Some of the previous comments push the issues of perception and assumption in either direction. I want to clarify this, having assisted some people in shidduchim, and married off my own children.

There is a myth that the thin girl remains thin throughout life. Believers of that have never heard of baby fat. They also deny genetics.

If I was to encounter a fat prospect (girl or boy), I would be inclined to jump to a conclusion. If the thoughts were verbalized, they would read something like this:

“Wow, that person is really fat. He/she must overeat, make food a priority over other things, and must be so lazy that they never work off the calories ingested. Forget looks, which I might associate negatively. I don’t want to marry someone who prefers a plate of food to me.”

These are judgments that are leaps of faith. Inaccurate, unfair, and not even self-serving.

On the other hand, there are few conditions in which extra weight cannot be dumped. It is not easy, and surgical and radical interventions are not under consideration. Anyone (almost without exception) can lose weight if they truly value that as priority for them. If they are accustomed to being heavy, there would presumably be significant adjustment to a new lifestyle, vis a vis food and exercise, that may well require ongoing help and support to maintain.

My 2 cents worth. Obesity is far more common today, and our eating patterns do not testify for improved health or nutrition. Just visit your favorite kosher grocery. Long, full aisles of nutrition-free junk foods, with the range of flavors and packages growing yearly. I have yet to hear about a kashrus organization that refuses to give hashgocho on another needless, unhealthy form of nosh.

beauty is subjective

When the Torah describes some people as beautiful, it has meaning. Obviously, there is objective beauty.

Features like eyes and noses are less subjective than weight and color. For example, at some times in history, the ideal skin tone according to society was very pale.

“Features like eyes and noses are less subjective than weight and color.”

I think that is a good point, and may be how we can understand DY’s point. I have learned that there are certain facial features that babies find more attractive than others. I think it has to do with smoother features that are easier to look at.

I don’t think that babies care about weight. I think that weight is something very subjective, as can be seen by the fact that it is so society-influenced.

“Idol worship isn’t a bad thing altogether that’s why people do it”

That was a quote from a rabbinical student who was telling me that my joy of yoga was actually an averah. He said that if avodah zara wasn’t appealing to the masses then people wouldn’t fall into its trap.

I was responding to yehudayona. Sorry if anyone didn’t read the words before and after.

Furthermore “On weight loss and nutrition we hear that calories ingested and calories burned don’t affect your weight.” –Not what I said. I said that there is more to it. It was in reference to a poster who advised the OP to pretty much just get in shape as if there may not be other factors.

And indeed this was paraphrased by a medical doctor who was invited by the dept of anthropology as a guest to explain why certain populations of individuals are obese. Medical doctors and nutritionists understand that being healthy happens in social and environmental context.

Point is, yes if someone is in an environment that pushes one to eat eat eat and lounge lounge lounge, one will have to swim against the stream in the sense of being additionally mindful about nutrition and taking care of oneself.

Moderators… This message is important. After having certain posters, especially, weigh down on the OP’s position, posters also could find learning more would allow them to be more sensitive.

I see that not everyone wants to read. That’s a different issue.

Thanks for posting

In previous generations food was scarce and many people fasted during the week at least 1 or 2 days and shabbos was the only day they ate, not that they ate so well, but they ate decently.

Today we eat well during the week and then we pig out on shabbos. And tradional shabbos foods are fattening full of oils and other unhealthy stuff and today not only do we eat 3 meals on shabbos, many times we eat 4 meals (Some Shul kiddushes are themselves large feasts) While some will condem me for this, if I know there is a large kiddush in shul, we dont really eat lunch at home, Its just too much food

Freudian slip. Either that, or I was already thinking of the next word that I was going to write.

Frumkid97, PCOS may or may not be a factor affecting Believe’s or anyone else’s ability to lose weight, but you raise an important point- Metabolic disorders like PCOS can affect fertility and lead to other issues, and should be treated properly, whether or not such treatment helps you lose weight and makes dating easier.

I am not saying this to give another reason to the guys to turn down an overweight girl, but to encourage the overweight girls/women to determine whether there are treatable medical issues that are causing their weight problems.

Unfortunately our generation is on such a low madriga that yes it is true.