Shidduchim again

I gave my answer there and the same answer applies here.

The Wolf

Moshe Rabbeinu had a speech impediment. He was still good shidduch material. If you don’t discriminate on race you don’t discriminate on handicap.

Health,

The fact is that a limp is not the sole defining characteristic of a handicapped person. They may have a marriage handicap in addtition to the physical handicap that prevents shidduchim from being considered.

One of my children is deaf and has cochlear implants. She speaks clearly and has no sign that she is deaf unless you happen to notice the devices. She’s very self confident and doesn’t let her disability get in her way. Many a time people have been surprised when i told them she wore CI’s.

As someone so eloquently put it: my daughter has a disability but doesn’t live with a disability.

Would i consider someone with a disability for her or my other children? I would. I cannot deny that having a child with a hearing loss makes me more open minded and accepting of others. Of course it does depend on the disability, but I would not turn someone down immediately based on a disability.

Boys want thin, pretty wives as well.

Get boys out of the process!

Get fathers out too and let random strangers decide.

I am not sure I agree that boys want thin pretty girls more than their mothers. In any case, the mothers do the screening and middos arent the top of the list. Thin and pretty, money, yeah, those are the important things

Boy, Joseph, you don’t think too highly of women, do you?

RebYidd23, I vote you in charge of all shidduchim from now on (except for people you know, of course).

Flatbusher, you should hang out in better circles. In mine, middos and yiras shamayim are most important, although, to be sure, externals aren’t overlooked.

Flatbusher, I have no idea where you got the notion that mothers of guys want thin beautiful daughters-in-law and guys just don’t care. There is a lot of misinformation floating around about shidduchim but so far I personally have not heard anything less real.

Let me assure you that the pleasant Middos of my daughter-in-law have brought a smile to my face and my heart on far more occasions than their pleasant appearances (though they are not lacking in that area either). And I know I’m not at all alone in this mindset. The classic picture of the snarling nefarious mother of boys belongs, as far as I can tell, in the fairy tale, sipping poisoned mushroom tea with Cinderella’s wicked stepmother. (I know some wonderful stepmothers.)

You are completely misinformed. About guys too, by the way, not just about their mothers…

On a different note, I was very disturbed to read nishtdayng’s reply to Health. Mr nishdayn, perhaps you meant no offense, but I took offense and am worried that most likely Health did as well. To imply that there’s an underlying reason outside of his disability for his lack of success in shidduchim, without knowing him personally, is very wrong.

And to you Health, I think it’s very sad but true that many (if not most) people are reluctant to look past a disability when looking for a husband or wife. But there are also many guys who won’t consider giving a girl a chance if she’s a little overweight. And girls who are obsessed with height and other nonsense. And I do know people with disabilities, girls who are heavy, guys who are extremely short- who are married. The bottom line is always HKBH, Who can bring about circumstances that, with our limited minds, we just can’t imagine.

Golfer: I’m speaking from first-hand experience. Your experience may be different, but I can speak only from what I have observed personally. I have daughters in shidduchim and I can tell you some of the things I have heard. Not everyone is as described but there is enough of it that one can get the sense there is something wrong. I think your wicked stepmother analogy is a little overboard. But I have heard mothers who are “looking for the best deal” for their sons, and “I have resumes with prettier girls.” I am sure there are boys who want the pretty girls, but their mothers are the first line of defense when the resumes come pouring in.

So why didn’t you just say “keep the mothers in”, or keep the parents in”?

Sure, because mothers are usually more involved than fathers.

“Get shallowness out of the process. Keep the fathers in.” clearly indicates that you think the mothers are more shallow than the fathers.

Health, unlike nishtdayng, you certainly do know yourself, so of course I”ll take your word for it.

Do you think you know the reason that you and your friends are getting rejections often?

Something tells me we’re going to have a hard time blaming this on all of your mothers (as the guys’ mothers are apparently to blame for most or all of what goes wrong in shidduchim)…

There are an awful lot lot of threads here dedicated to the idea that girls are the ones getting all the abuse.

As a guy, do you have an idea what the problem is?

And here’s a hypothetical question for everyone else-

If we do send all the mothers away on vacation, how will things change? Will all the not so thin, not so pretty girls suddenly find themselves with tons of guys chasing after them? Will the crisis end? Will the per capita rate of weddings go up? Will the cost of weddings go down? Will the fathers, now left fielding the calls and taking care of things, have that same familiar feeling they once had the time the mothers left them with five or six rambunctious little ones (three in diapers) for an afternoon?

Golfer: mostly mothers are looking for dates for their daughters with the hope they’re the best for them. I guess you aren’t involved in shidduchim at the moment as you would have known how hard it is to get dates for girls especially when they are over 21.

I dont think the solution is to get rid of mothers or fathers. Our parents want the best for us and can get carried away with doing research. I think that parents need to be more objective and look at the whole picture instead of nitpicking. What someone’s aunts and uncles do for a living, or where their grandparents came from, should not even be in the discussion of shidduchim.

All my siblings and myself, we all got married pretty young, and I would like to give a tremendous amount of credit to my parents for being supportive of our decisions, doing research that was nogeiah to the boy directly (age, his plans for future, what he is currently doing, his level of hashkafa, a bit about his personality, what he is looking for, a bit about his immediate family..) and calling a few references. As the shidduch would progress, they would call references again or go through the shadchan to clarify some issues.

And left the rest up to Hashem!

As every married/divorced person can tell you, you always learn something new (many new things) about your spouse after you get married that you did not know before.