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i need shidduch advice?
Background info and what you are requesting advice on please…
Have an arranged marriage.
get therapy and go to seminary first. Get back to me about this when you are back from seminary.
My advice to you Sparky is to go on Jwed & Jdate and Mit Mazel, and post good pictures of yourself on your write up.
Joseph – is that what you did?
“lilmod ulelamaid – a person like me would NOT work with an arranged marriage.”
I didn’t say that – Joseph did.
Yeah, blame it all on Joseph. It’s always Joseph’s fault!
Sparkly -“i need shidduch”
So do I! But I wouldn’t ask advice from anonymous posters!
My shidduch advice: first figure out who you are, deal with any issues you have (like depression…), where you are standing hashkafically before you start dating. Like lilmod said therapy or a life coach can help, and seminary is a great place to grow/mature/find out who you are.
Sparky:- Since arranged marriage isn’t your cup of tea, this is exactly why I told you to go onto a Jewish dating site. There, you arrange it yourself; It also means that you shall never invoke expensive Shadchan fees.
Here’s some shidduch advice:
Don’t start dating until you are emotionally ready.
From your recent posts, it seems as though you do not have the emotional stability or maturity needed to sustain a successful marriage.
I’m sorry, I know this probably sounds very hurtful. But there are people I know who were in a similar stage to you when they started dating, and they did not have a happy ending.
Give yourself time to explore yourself.
And ask yourself, why do you want to start shidduchim now? Don’t start dating for the wrong reasons.
Sparkly – you are way too young for a dating site. It is not safe for someone your age to be on a dating site, even a Frum one.
+1 Lilmod U
+1 Gofish
Sincerely hoping your kind words are not lost on the person who needs to really hear them.
Sparkly -“i give both of us a bracha that this year we should find the right person and thats the thing that i davened for most on yom kippur.”
Thank you! And you should find your Bashert B’korov Mahmush!
Speak to your parents and or to your Rabbi. They know you better than anyone here does and can best advise you in this matter. I think you should wait until you have your degree and or license before you consider getting married. Dating can seriously effect one’s ability to study and you don’t want to flunk out of college.
Sparkly – you have said that you started college early, which means you could not have been more than 17 when you started. I think that you also said that you are in your third year of college, which would make you no more than 19. Even if you are in your fourth year of college, you can’t be more than 20. In any case, you are definitely younger than 25, so you are way too young for dating sites.
Dating sites can be very dangerous. You have no idea who the guys are. It is very different from having someone set you up who knows both you and the guy. In Eretz Yisrael, people meet in hotel lobbies, so dating is safe, because if the guy turns out to be nuts, you can just leave, get on a bus and go home. In the U.S, the guy picks you up in a car, so you have to be very careful who you go out with. If you think about, you are getting into a car with a strange guy! That is nuts!
One major difference between having a live person set you up and a dating site is that when someone sets you up, the guy has someone he has to answer to, and when there is no shadchan or at least not a live one, he has no one he has to answer to. It’s kind of like the difference between taking a taxi that belongs to a company vs. a private taxi driver.
I don’t think you are ready to date yet at all, but if you do, you should start with shadchanim and/or having friends/acquaintances set you up. Dating sites only make sense for someone who has been dating for a few years.
Sparkly – I don’t think you should be dating yet, and I certainly don’t think you should start with dating sites – I think you should try shadchanim first. But if you are going to use a dating site, SawYouAtSinai is the best because they work through shadchanim. Just make sure you get references and check the guys out well before you agree to go out.
“there are PLENTY of people my age that are on the dating site.”
Not Yeshivish girls. And you claim to be very Yeshivish.
Sparkly, when you go to a shadchan they will ask you to describe yourself, who you are and what you are looking for. Can you really answer those questions honestly? From the things that you have posted here, just a few months ago you described yourself as MO who was looking for a very smart doctor, didn’t matter if he was shomer negia as long as he didn’t smoke. A few weeks ago you told us that you “frummed out” and are now yeshivish and want a yeshivish guy who is learning. Now you told us that you can’t be yeshivish since you are gothic. I don’t know what you mean by that- the word gothic to me reminds me of types of architecture or literature, I never heard it used for a person/personality before. You really need to know who you are and where you are headed before you can date. If you are still in transition, which is very normal at your age (19-20?) you need to wait a bit so you don’t end up marrying someone who is good for you now but may be different from whom you will be in 6 months from now.
In terms of shadchanim, when you are ready, you need to turn to sources for the type of boys you want to meet- for example, if you want a serious yeshivish learning type in his low-mid twenties, you will not find him on dating websites. Figure out the type of yeshiva that fits what you are looking for, then find someone who knows guys at that yeshiva. Or you can ask married friends whose husbands might have friends that fit the bill. Or your parents’ friends who have children of dating age. Same applies for college guys, or any other type.
“someone who is gothic CANNOT be yeshivish.”
Sparkly, do you mean a person who is a goth?
What does that have to do with you? You said you were yeshivish, so then obviously you’re not a goth (or gothic, which is not really a description of a person unless you are descended from the original Goths). Right?
Sparkly – 1.what does Gothic mean? 2. Read Winnie the Pooh’s thread. If you get married now, you are headed for a divorce.
“someone who is gothic CANNOT be yeshivish”
Why not?
Many women are idealistic and want a serious learner as a husband. The problem is that over time the magic love falls off and they realize that they are the sole bread winner and that they need someone who will also financially support the family. This many times results in divorce which is a tragedy.
“The problem is that over time the magic love falls off and they realize that they are the sole bread winner and that they need someone who will also financially support the family”
The real problem is when one day you want a guy who works and the next day you decide you want a guy who learns.
And then the next day you decide you can’t be yeshivish because apparently gothic people can’t be yeshivish.
Meno- I hope you realize I was referring to women in general not the author of this thread when I said “The problem is that over time the magic love falls off and they realize that they are the sole bread winner and that they need someone who will also financially support the family”.
As far as the author, neither I nor you nor the author herself knows what type of husband she really wants, but she wants to get married this year.
Sparkly – do you have a Mentor or someone who knows you who you can talk to ?
“I hope you realize I was referring to women in general not the author of this thread”
I really wish that when there is a thread revolving around a specific person and his/her specific situation, people wouldn’t post general comments that aren’t meant to apply to the specific situation. If you want to make a general comment, start a new thread.
Just my personal opinion…
Er.. Stop listening to it. Download Yackov Shwekey and Yeedle from your computer, start listening to that. Feel the Kedushah sweep into your soul, marry a nice frum boy and become an Eishes Chayil. Easy peasy.
edited
“the issue with gothic music is that its very addicting and bad for the neshama and i see it being a bad influence on me. so how do i stop listening to it?”
Sparkly, guess what my answer is.
<not even wondering what this is doing on the Shidduchim thread…>
yekke2, if you really want to know:
1. Someone advised Sparkly to go on a dating site, and she thought that was a good idea.
2. I thought it was a bad idea at this stage and told her so.
3. She responded that many girls her age do so.
4. I told Sparkly that Yeshivish girls her age don’t generally go on dating sites.
5. She said that she can’t be Yeshivish because she’s gothic which apparently means she listens to Gothic music. I still have no clue what that is, but apparently it’s bad so she wants to stop doing it, because I guess she wants to go back to being Yeshivish even though then she won’t be able to go to dating sites which she shouldn’t be doing at this stage anyhow.
Nice summary there.
Gothic rock is dark punk music. I hope you’re not listening to deathrock, Sparkly, that’s pretty depressing.
I generally don’t get anywhere responding to Sparkly so I kind of stopped, but just in case this helps anyone down the road who identifies with some of the same issues (not necessarily being gothic and therefore not yeshivish, but some of the other stuff)-
I do know people my age (which according to Sparkly’s account of herself is around her age as well- let’s say, within five years of graduating high school) who use dating sites- they are generally not yeshivish, though, and they generally use SYAS/YUConnects (even if they don’t go to YU). Some are yeshivish, but they’re generally more open-minded and “modern” (whatever that means). Most yeshivish girls do it through their families (99% of people I know were set up through someone contacting their parents/their parents contacting someone, with no input from them besides for veto power)- some will also contact shadchanim on their own. There have been threads here in the past with names and phone numbers of shadchanim, and more are available online. You should have a resume, which I discussed here http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/coffeeroom/topic/what-to-put-on-shidduch-resume#post-621721 . Try to see if/how your family can get involved. Stuff like that.
But as someone who personally doesn’t feel ready to get married for a multitude of reasons, all of sparkly’s posts here ring alarm bells. Taking them at face value, they don’t strike me as the words of someone ready for a huge step into a new life with someone new. At the very least I’d consider beginning the process of trying to resolve issues, clarifying hashkafic/communal stuff, figuring out exactly what you want, because the way you’re making it sound (and I could be totally misreading) it’s like you want marriage to make everything better. And while I’m no expert in marriage, the impression I get is that it does, as long as you are coming in with clarity. I’m putting it off for a little bit until I have more of that (don’t worry people, I’m not very old) and I’d consider that the types of posts which sparkly has been writing, AT FACE VALUE (I have no clue what the person behind the screen name is really like), indicate someone who should really try to gain clarity before making a major life commitment.
(Before anyone asks- yes, immature people get married all the time, and believe me, I know a bunch. No, I don’t think that anyone has to walk into dating/marriage with everything resolved. But it can’t be denied that a certain level of clarity can only be beneficial, though different people can debate as to what that actually entails.)
Also, I randomly skimmed the responses to that thread just now (it’s a month older, and I figured bumping it would be a bit odd), and a couple things about the resume pattern I posted-
LUL- you responded to my description of my mom’s typical resume- first of all, I don’t see a problem with putting down your own eye and hair color. Asking for a specific one is ridiculous, and you don’t have to put your own down either, but for whatever reason it’s become a thing. By giving it, at the worst you’re making people feel better about not having a picture, they have a tiny handle on what you sort of look like.
And no, calling references is a rookie move. Of course they’re called, but at least as often, savvy people will realize that the references were primed, or at the very least picked because of their very good relationship with the person in question, so what they say is taken with a grain of salt. (A friend and neighbor of mine primed me as a reference but didn’t put me down as such on her resume, instead picking two other friends, because she knew that if someone called them they’re the type who would for sure say nice things, but since will probably look for other people to call, I’m statistically the likeliest person for them to discover and should probably be primed.) So yeah, pick nice people as references, but also bear in mind that many other people besides these people will be called as well, and that many people may pass over the references all together.
Also, I know several girls who don’t daven at the same shuls as their parents, and for reasons which could be revealing for a shidduch, so I’d still put it down. Why wouldn’t it be meaningful?
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