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I’m trying to get a point across about shidduchem in 2022 and how this system is set up and it’s incredible. Being that I’m of marriageable age I’m allowed to say what is happening with my situation it’s not even an opinion. I won’t have to answer the silly comments after the article when everyone will try to defend the corrupt system. I was in the mainstream line and things didn’t work out best for me so I changed things to make it better for my life. Now a few years later I need to put up with many people saying why are you doing this and this and not that?
Is this a joke or something we are talking about someone that changed his life for the good worked on how to do that. So the first question is why are you doing that and that’s it! You can’t even recognize that this was for a reason and there was meaning to why and what I’m doing. We are not talking that I’m not following Halacha or not learning or working even…… I mean just not leanring in a mainstream place makes you need to put up with many no one after the next. Talk about the working guy for a second too even him he’s just not cut out to learn all day what’s better he says he’s learning and then a month after getting married he puts on a coloured shirt and starts working. At least we are not fake leanring in a system to prove nothing and wasting your real potential in life. I really don’t understand why this so hard for so many people to understand not doing the mainstream line means that’s it’s simply not mainstream and that’s it nothing else defines the person about how much he learns and if he keeps halacha all that should be researched by the case you know you can have a guy in the mainstream and he’s not keeping halacha and not leanring a word!!
This is simply my experience which is a real shame to know the klal of the Jewish world puts us all into a box separately for one reason simply because you aren’t doing the mainstream line no other reason!!! We are not talking about a working guy here and even then as I explained that shouldn’t make him have to be left behind. I really hope that all those that love posting their comments will actually understand these points and things will start changing!!
Ebonics?
I have no idea of what the OP is trying to say.
edited
OP, try to make it short to the point as we don’t understand what you are saying. Are you sitting and learning or are you working?
The FAKE “shidduch crisis” has now morphed into a REAL “literacy crisis” (w/o and reliance or reference to yesterday’s NYT’s hit job on chassidic yeshiovos).
If you cannot convey, pass on your ideas what is the use of posting?
I put the OP’s letter through Google Translate, and I think this is what he’s trying to say, or at least the parts I understand:
It seems he is either not learning or not learning in a “mainstream” yeshiva, and his shidduch prospects are negatively impacted by this. He seems to be upset by the fact in general someone in a mainstream yeshiva, although he may not be doing much actual learning, will fare better in the shidduch world than someone not in a yeshiva.
Definitely a valid complaint. I’d comment on it, but my brain is too stressed from struggling through the letter.wow, you guys are unbelievable. A new poster shows up and talks about rejection and you feel a need to insult him because his writing is poor. Or maybe you just feel some entitlement. For gosh sakes, it’s elul. And so what if it wasn’t. Honestly, I would rather struggle through a post about someone trying to find chizuk than read all your pompous well written posts making him feel like two cents.
Don’tMindMe, I think we should mind you as you gave a very good translation to what his letter is trying to convey.
By saying the fake shidduch crisis – besides that you are exposing yourself as not knowing what you are talking about – you are also hurting those that are suffering as a result of not being able to get married due to it. There are literally hundreds of girls more than boys that are in this situation as anyone who knows anything about this will tell you and you are causing them a lot of pain. Please consider your words carefully next time.
I applaud and commend the person Don’tMIndMe who worked on it to be able to understand it.
Jewish12345 made some very good points. We’ve never had a mesora of every man sitting and learnng full time, and for very good and practical reasons. In prewar Europe there were no social service networks ; if you didn’t work you didn’t eat. Only those who showed the ability to be talmedai chachomim, poskim and rabbinical leaders were supported by the community; everyone else had to work . The current phenomena didnt begin until 50 years ago , when the baby boomer generation, having been allowed to go to all the professional schools, had become wealthy enough to support theirs sons in yeshiva .
Maybe you are looking in wrong places? If potential parties do not like that you dare to behave in a reasonable way, but not to their expectations – this may be a siman that you do not want to be part of that shidduch. Presumably, there is your bashert somewhere that also does what is right without trying to fake her way through, or if not doing it herself, is looking for someone like that.
AAQ:
If only that were true. Most young people’s shiduchim are handled by their parents, and the sad fact is that they often are unrealistic in where they are looking and what they are looking for.Young man, look in “out of town” communities (my town is not on the map). Atlanta, Jacksonville, Savannah, St. Louis…We would never decline a mensch bochor.
DontMind, I am one of those parents … and you can look at threads discussing education, there are a lot of people of all ages with different opinions. Girls (or their parents) are indeed less realistic. My theory is that for a potential learning couple – a boy needs to show years of work, while a girl needs to develop interest in finding a learning boy, which is way easier (in a short term). So, an obvious disconnect, more girls can achieve that stage when taught that way at school.
Not trying to give an advice beyond most generic. Maybe, you need to show your abilities in some other way – in chesed, working prospects .. go join an organization that works with unobservant yidden or sich kids; find an exciting job; brush up on your math & English skills, even if you are behind, you probably have enough skills. You need to define yourself in a positive way, not just in your relationship to what you are not. This may take time.
The vast majority of people dont attend a top tier yeshiva and yet wedding halls are booked solid for months, the top yeshiva is more a myth then fact.
southerner: Can a nice country boy or hillbilly bochor who is a mentsch relatively easily find a nice shidduch in one of those out of town communities that you mentioned?
> yet wedding halls are booked solid for months,
in addition to B’H large number of eligible young people, maybe there is economics in play?
is this in takanah places? Maybe it is a side effect – any artificially reduced price leads to scarcity.
For example, many people from my area travel there for a wedding.no i am taking about halls in all price ranges are booked solid in every major frum area, meaning bucherim are getting married without attending a top yier yeshiva.
common, b’H. I am confused though – takanot are supposed to be for everyone, how could you have halls “in all price ranges”. maybeyou mean that some cities have takanot and others do not.
@ AAQ, Perosnal Q, did you marry off any kids yet?
Aaq, while many attempts have been made, takanot have virtually never been adhered to.
common, you probably see from my questions that I am only planning to. On masechet Ketubot right now 🙂
anon, thanks, I guess my sources are too optimistic
@AAQ, when you married off a child feel free to join the conversation
common > feel free to join the conversation
middos alert. Why not help educate me and others.
THERE IS NO SHIDDUCH CRISES…..
Hashem who is the master marriage counselor mezaveg zivvugim….. Already has every human being matched up 40 days before they are even born and sent down to this temporary physical world saying son of so and so with marry the daughter of so and so….. Forget about the fact that now in the stage of dating in the parsha of Shidduchim it is now 18 or 20 years later since born and Hashem already said who they will be married to.
The question YOU in the parsha of Shidduchim Mr Seminary girl or learning boy need to ask yourself is are you doing your RUCHNIUS HISHTADLUS…. Not your gashmius hishtadlus of dating and phone calls etc…. But your RUCHNIUS HISHTADLUS of Bitachon and Emunah (Faith and trust in Hashem) and Tefillah (Davening directly to Hashem for help) in sending you your Zivug bkarov. This is what YOU need to ask yourself HONESTLY.
Hashem our loving father is waiting to send every person every single need and desire that they need as soon as they call out wholeheartedly for help directly to Hashem. This includes all of klal yisroel calling out together wholeheartedly for Mashiach to come already bkarov so we can serve Hashem in the Bais hamikdosh.
@AAQ, we are going off topic of the OP who was griping about shidduch prospects for those not in a top tier yeshiva but being that you asked I will answer.
All major frum areas have three type of wedding halls, none takanos where one pays full price, for example The Palace in Brooklyn, Lake Terrace in Lakewood , Atrium in Monsey, hybrid halls where there are certain days where they have takonos weddings other days none takonos for example Yeled vYaldah in Brooklyn, Neemas Hachaim in Lakewood, then there staight takonos halls such as Torah Vyiera in Brooklyn, Bais Faiga in Lakewood and Visnitz in Monsey.
All halls in all 3 tiers are booked solid for months.
Hoping you can use this info to make a simcha shortly.common, thanks, omen. I need to wrap my head around these multi-tier takonos. I guess it is due to our Rabonim not really having full jurisdiction over kehilos. I would go back ask the Rav who explained the system to me, maybe he meant that this is propagated in his sub-community.
Another thought on “top yeshivos” from another thread. In Europe, you did not have to learn in a particular yeshiva, you can just visit a Rav, he will examine you and give you a semicha. Maybe we need to ask Roshei Yeshivot to provide a similar service and/or have standardized Gemorah test that someone can pass. Anyone does it?
L’havdil, you can go to a 3rd rated college and then pass GRE or LSAT, and then even bar. So, even when you have credentials, you do not get full monopoly and corresponding side effects.
@AAQ, very simply put, if you kehillah has takkonos, then you follow it, if the killialah you belong you does not have them then its none of your concern.
Wish you to be making a simcha soonI know a few older boys in the chasidish community that I’m trying to help. None of them are “full-time learners.” They all work, some of them are very successful, others have their own business etc.
In the chasidish world, there are very few older girls that are willing to settle for an average boy that is serious about Yiddishkeit, learns, davens 3 times a day, etc. Either they stay with unrelastic expectations or they become too oifgeklert and don’t want to marry someone within their community, etc.
Most of these boys are flexible and willing to consider frum girls that are not chasidish.
So I’m wondering will a Litvish girl consider marrying someone with a shtreimel? Has anyone tested the concept? Are there shadcunim trying to match chasidish boys with litvish girls?
In my view, better become a Chosid than staying single. There are more Chasidim than Litvaks, so even if the Chasidish surplus of boys is proportionally smaller than the Litvish surplus of girls, the twain shall meet and make a large dent in both problems towards a greater solution.
I know a few older boys in the chasidish community that I’m trying to help. None of them are “full-time learners.” They all work, some of them are very successful, others have their own business etc.
In the chasidish world, there are very few older girls that are willing to settle for an average boy that is serious about Yiddishkeit, learns, davens 3 times a day, etc. Either they stay with unrelastic expectations or they become too oifgeklert and don’t want to marry someone within their community, etc.
Most of these boys are flexible and willing to consider frum girls that are not chasidish.
So I’m wondering will a Litvish girl ever consider marrying someone with a shtreimel? Has anyone tested the concept? Are there shadcunim trying to match chasidish boys with litvish girls?
In my view, better become a Chosid than staying single. There are more Chasidim than Litvaks, so even if the Chasidish surplus of boys is proportionally smaller than the Litvish surplus of girls, the twain shall meet and make a large dent in both problems towards a greater solution.
Yida, I’ve been making the same suggestion for years, regarding Chasidish boys with Litvish girls. I’ve seen it happen, but not often — and usually the girl was more heimish than Litvish.
Have you seen the other way — Litvish boys with Chasidish girls?
Yes
I did found this article from 2015 still relevant
https:// mishpacha. com/mix-match/sorry no outside links
How about Sephardim?
Ujm, I’ve known many shiduchim between chasidishe women and litvishe men. Briskers tend to marry chasidishe – they say that they make better wives, and i definitely understand that. Two of my rebbeim married chasidishe women, but they spoke yiddish and knew their way around a tish.
Avira, is it more of thing in Eretz Yisroel than in America?
Also, have you seen many the other way, with Chasidish men marrying Litvish women?
I’ve only ever seen one Shidduch where the boy was chasidishe; a satmar guy, in fact. But the girl went to a chasidishe bais yaakov, spoke yiddish… Came from a baal teshuva family background too – but I’ve only seen it once
Hashem is mezaik zivikim. Period end of discussion
J12: The link is technically broken with a space. To get it working you need to manually delete the space
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