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I recently observed a girl whom I thought would be perfect for me. Although i did not speak to her, i had to be in her vicinity for a number of days and saw great midos tovos, etc.. The problem is that her family doesnt want me. What do I do now? Im going nuts about this. thanks
1- Why don’t they want you? Real, imagined or societal reason?
2- If you were in their position would you want you?
3- Infatuation or realism?
Tell Someone to call them and tell them your such a great boy and say really good stuff abt you and also the person should ask why they dont want you and youll see…
Be very careful of infatuation, as “Rabbaim” suggested.
I second Kapusta
by saying u had to be in her vicinity a number of days
im guessing that ur families know each other
why dont u speak to her parents but u would have to be brave to do that!
Move on. No girl is that good, that there isn’t another, when you’ve barely met her.
Kapusta, do you believe in what you said enough to hold on to it if situations requiring such a saying were to happen to you?
This question is not meant to be read in an antagonistic or judgmental manner. It is meant to be more of a lead in
*Zuberman*
Try getting someone else to redt it…hatzlacha!
Why would u want to b stuck with a fam forever when they say they dont want u? R u that charming?
I do,
Hashem works in mysterious ways
If you know why they don’t want you it is probably not worth pursuing. You will probably not change their minds. If they are looking for big bucks and you don’t come with big bucks they are not going to change their minds. If they are looking for a serious learner and you don’t fit the bill, they are not going to change their minds. If they know something about you that they find offensive they are not going to change their minds. The only way they will reconsider is if a few years go by and the two of you are still hanging around.
If you don’t know why they don’t want you, then it might be worth finding out. They might NOT have a valid reason, and you might just need the right shadchan or Rabbi to make this dream a reality.
Only you know the truth about your particular situation. Don’t try to fool yourself if you really, truly don’t have a chance with this girl. There are so many wonderful girls out there who are just waiting for a great guy to call them, so don’t go chasing after someone who won’t give you the time of day. Hatzlocha.
Kapusta, do you believe in what you said enough to hold on to it if situations requiring such a saying were to happen to you?
This question is not meant to be read in an antagonistic or judgmental manner. It is meant to be more of a lead in
Am I missing something about the lead in thing? And I think I would say the same thing. Especially with regard to shidduchim, the clear Hashgacha is doubly amazing.
i agree with many of the posters everything that happens in this world is for a purpose, and if its meant to be it will in fact happen….but like s2021 asked, why the heck would u wanna marry into a family who doesnt want u….i foresee alot of fighting and headaches !?!?
Kapusta: yes you are missing something but I don’t want to talk about it here. You may soon be getting a message through your friend unless you want to contact me directly.
😀 Zuberman! 😀
the question is why you want her so badly and why her family does not want you. where does she stand?
A few people mentioned being stuck with a family who doesn’t want you. I know a boy’s family who didn’t want the girl. I mean really really didn’t want her. It was redt lots of times, they went out on and off and eventually got married. The family loves her now. I’m not saying this will always be the case but it could happen.
Kapusta: yes you are missing something but I don’t want to talk about it here. You may soon be getting a message through your friend unless you want to contact me directly.
Friend says she has no idea…
No not the girl. Should have been more clear. I am sorry. I am referring to the friend who helped with arranging all of it.
*zuberman*
I know of a few instances (one case in particular comes to mind) where one side declined the shidduch because of what they felt was a serious difference between the two parties. A year or two later, and a little more water under the bridge, and they did reconsider and things worked out beautifully. You need to move on and keep looking. If this shidduch is right for you, it will happen for you when the time is right.
I once heard something that gave me great chizuk (I think by R’ Matisyahu Salomon) he said that there are times when ppl are nervous that their parents are being too picky and pushing away their bashert. What should they do now? they should just know that its not possible for someone else to push away your bashert. you are the only one who has that power. meaning if you say no because of some dumb reason then you might be pushing your bashert but if your parents say no before it gets to you then its not meant for oyu
adorable:
But, I assume if you allow other people to make decisions for you, then you have given them that power.
i dont think that would be the case but if you are really desperate to know I can find out…but who would let someone else have the final word on who they are marrying. Unless you are chassidish and then we have something else to talk about all together
Not necessarily as in the shidduchim world (at least the way I see it) all the parents are doing is using their greater life experience to set the child on a properly guided path. As to who marries who is up to the involved parties not the parents. Then again as I said it depends.
😀 Zuberman! 😀
Well, what did you mean by “if your parents say no before it gets to you”? Doesn’t that mean you have allowed them to say no before it gets to you? So haven’t you given them power to make decisions?
i think most cases where the child lives at home and the parents understand the child….i think parents can usually see the larger picture than the child. we might just want to get married already and be blinded but they dont want us just married to anyone- they want us married to the right one who we will be happy with forever not just a few days….but it really depends as you said
That’s fine. But then you can’t say that if they turn somenbody away, it doesn’t count as a rejection by you.
I think that as long as the person is sensible it would not count like you are pushing your zivug away but again how can i know…. Just a thought that gave me chizuk
The reason I am picking on it, is because I don’t really like that quote.
I don’t think Hashem is going to punish someone like that by saying, “Oh! I sent your guy, and you turned him down.”
Even if you made a silly decision, the punishment for silly decisions is not that you can’t get married.
(Also, I happen to think people should not be leaving so much to their parents. I think it is a way out of taking responsibility. Seriously, would you let your mother buy your clothes? Did you let her pick you seminary? Would you let her choose your job? It is good to ask advice, but I just don’t like the idea of completely abdicating responsibilty.)
i dont think hashem will punish them just they are ruining it for themself!
Ruining it for themselves? I don’t understand.
Hashem runs the world. Hashem doesn’t say that you starve to death, if you happen to make some silly decision about what job you will take, or what to make for supper.
If you make a silly decision, it is just that. There is no reason to think that it will have such huge ramifications.
The “punishment” for silly decisions has already been built in by Hashem. They are called consequences of our actions …
😀 Zuberman! 😀
A child old enough to be getting married, is ALSO old enough to make his or her own decisions about whom they wish to date. If an overly-picky mama is preventing her son or daughter from meeting someone whom SHE deems not worthy enough,but good things have already been heard about the person, the son/daughter should go directly to the shadchan to request a set up.
And that could only happen if the child knows about what is being suggested (see the thread on that topic)
😀 Zuberman! 😀
so do you think a child should take care of their shidduchim on their own? we are talking about a young girl right out of school not someone a little older
so do you think a child should take care of their shidduchim on their own? we are talking about a young girl right out of school not someone a little older
Assuming that she’s truly mature enough and ready to get married, then yes.
And that does not mean that she has to cut her parents (or other respected figures) out of the process. She can certainly (and I would encourage her to) turn to them for advice, recommendations and suggestions. But if she’s truly mature enough to get married and knows what she wants in a spouse, then why not?
The Wolf
Because parents know best.
i dont agree wolf. I think her parents have a better view than she does of what the future might bring and what she will want in the long run. That does not mean that she should not be on board with them. I think once she goes out with him though she should be the one to decide if she would like to marry him
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