- This topic has 19 replies, 11 voices, and was last updated 13 years, 1 month ago by .
-
Posts
-
Why is there only a shidduch crisis when there are young women who are not married when there are also so many women over fifty who are also not married!!!!!
What makes you think that there are “so many” women over 50 unmarried? Real data or just a guess?
There are unfortunately many women over 50 not married.
Some never married, some widowed, some divorced.
It’s amazing that you’ve never come across them.
It would be great to invite them for havdala &/or help them shovel snow.
Shmoel, there are many more than you can imagine. Many are single moms, who are divorced or widowed and find it VERY difficult to meet eligible men.
The reality is that since time immemorial there have been more eligibly women than men that is why Jews always practised polygamy. Plus the women nowadays are often happy being single since they have $, go on vacations with friends and have fulfilling careers. Feminism has gotten to Orthodoxy as well, these are the facts.
I know tons of single women in their thirties, forties and fifties. None of them are happy being single. I don’t know enough about statistics to respond to the notion there are more women than men. However, what I attribute to the problem is the notion of being able to do or get better. Working women who are well paid (and who want working spouses, which many do at this stage) will hold out for someone earning more than a decent living. Many men want very thin women (size 2-4) and will hold out for that.
I think 50 or 100 years ago people were satisfied with less. Also, the outgrowth of so many variations of the orthodox in Yiddishkeit, instead of offering more options, has led to fewer appropriate matches.
We are not “maspik b’muat”.
Frankly, I have no idea how to set people up. One of the last shidduchim I tried to make resulted in a poor reaction. The woman agreed to meet the man, and was so upset about the match, refused to speak to me for 6 months afterwards. Gratitude goes a long way, even if it’s off the mark. Also, when people are so picky that they grill me about the match and hesitate, take forever to agree, then want to know more….. Well, it reaches a point where I am discouraged from investing more energy and time.
I think all Shuls should have a data base of singles, so that Shuls can maybe cross reference and help singles to be set up.
Many many times iv’e gone on dates with older single woman always a first date rarely a second or third, i am not going to generalize but many if they don’t feel a connection within the first five minutes they deem the situation to be over already i’ve been on very few second or third dates and i’m a very charming guy, and humble too 🙂
i know lots of older guys in that age bracket too. makes me cry. someone that I know very well is dying to get married but went through a tough marriage for 15 years but would love to get remarried. do all the guys wanna get remarried? i dont think so but I know lots of them!
Mommamai, I too have given up on setting people up, since they have unending questions, the girl wants to know if he ever misses a minyan and learns like a tanna, but she doesnt or cant support him and wants him to work and the guy wants an exotic beauty that exists in one place, HIS IMAGINATION. Shuls however are buildings ultimately it will be people in shuls that would need to do this, even you and I have given up, who else will do it?
Goq: I thought you said previously that you can’t (for some reason) ever get married. So what kind of dates are you going on? (I don’t mean to be inquisitive, I just couldn’t understand your above comment.)
this was in the past shlishi
Lakewoodbt
I’m not sure I’ve really given up. It definitely slows me down, though.
I think we need a database system that could be used “universally” at all Shuls. Criteria are entered by each member in the privacy of their own homes. Singles can then be asked if their names can be entered in the national database system for orthodox singles.
One of the problems I’ve seen is some people lack the ability to put themselves together (appearance) and project a very poor image outwardly (demeanor, tone of voice, posture, personality/ they whine a lot, etc). Some very good, otherwise eligible, people don’t get dates because of this. They then become very defensive not wanting to change/be changed. The longer someone is “out there” the more vulnerable and insecure they feel. Trying to alter their image, somehow, is taken to mean that they are not good enough. It is perceived as an attack on them, rather than an attack of the problem. When I was single, I had my first cousin go through my entire closet with me and critic my clothing in order to let me know what I needed to discard that wasn’t flattering for me, versus what was worth keeping. We all have to be open to modifying ourselves to some degree, if needed.
Good point mommamia, I could never phrase it so well! It is hard sometimes to recognise how one could give advice to help someone but that advice is not always wanted, it can be too painful. A lot comes down to confidence, not just in how you think of yourself, but being open to change and suggestion. Do keep trying, the positives do outweigh the negatives.
When you find the kindergartens and hedorim closing due to lack of students, you’ll know there is truely a shidduch crisis.
When has there not been some kind of shidduch crisis? The reality is, is that even in the times of Avraham avinu there he was looking far and hard for a shidduch for his son.
I gulp every time I think of my friends who are not married. It might seem like I don’t care, but I simply don’t know people for them. What do the rest of you think of the idea of having a database in each shul with the names of the singles, which can then be cross referenced nationally?
Most Agudah like shuls and rabbis would oppose anything to do with the internet.
Hmmm, I hear.
What if they just had a form to fill out that was sent to all the singles. Then one or two designated volunteers could type up the info by categories: male / female, age bracket, hashkafah, Cohen, lifestyle choice (working/learning/preferences), general physical description and personality, references. The info could then be sent in to a home base where the profiles are reviewed and matched. Maybe not everyone would avail themselves of this kind of a service, but some might. At the very least, it might lead to some otherwise unknown options.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.