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Hi has anyone had shalom bayis issues when their wife was pregnant?
What are the type of behavioral nuances one can expect from a pregnant woman in the home? Does it take extra patience?
Do they become moody? Do they still cook?
every women is different – there is no one answer. Just realize that a women is going through may hormone and bodily changes – there is no reason it should cause shalom bayis issues.
“Do they still cook?”
Please tell me that is not your #1 concern…
It takes alot of patience and understanding on the spouses part. Your wife is going through alot of changes and things are not always in her control( Hormones)So therefore being caring and extra sensitive to her needs would definitely help.Not all pregnancies are the same and not all women are the same. Bshah Tovah!
lol,
yes to both
absent minded too
btw bshaah tovah
Have you ever met a pregnant woman before?
“Do they still cook?”
Oh boy, are you asking to get your ears fried off?
Some women more, some women less.
Some days more, some days less.
And after 9 months, there’s postpartum, then nursing hormones, then deprivation of sleep from crying baby hormone.
Hatzlacha!
flyer- “there is no reason it should cause shalom bayis issues. “
There are actually very good reasons for it to cause shalom bayis issues, but its the husbands responsibility -albeit a difficult one- to prevent the reasons from causing shalom bayis issues.
lovebeingjewish- Every women is different, but abundant patience and understanding will be needed.
Remmember: A happy calm pregnant women will hopefully make for a calm happy mother…. which should make a happy calm father….
Of course, you are probably not putting yourself in her situation.
Think of yourself in her situation.
Try walking around with a bowling ball in your stomach; it will slow you down, make you extra tired, and make your chores much harder to accomplish.
Imagine someone taking your skin and stretching it and stretching it; it is painful. Now imagine you feel too nauseous to eat but too weak if you don’t eat, what do you do?
This is just some of what your wife is experiencing. This is the time for you to be extra sensitive. She is carrying your child for you.
You might be feeling down because maybe she is not focusing as much on you but get used to it, soon your lives will revolve around a child. Then, she will need even more help from you.
This is the time to prove to her that you will be understanding of her pain and exhaustion…and that you will help her in whatever way possible. When times get tough, you must try harder to stand by your wife by helping her with whatever she needs.
Think of it as if you were not feeling well, would you want her to be upset that you could not do all the things you usually do? No, you would want her to be sensitive to your feelings. You would want her to sympathize and say “I know you are not feeling well, so tell me how I could help you!” Treat her the same way.
Oh, and of course, your wife may be very moody; the hormones of a woman during pregnancy are known to make women more moody and more sensitive=cry more.
A mamin- some women really have horrible pregnancie and are always feeling sick. How normal can you be when you throw up twice each and every day? Not all of us, but some woman do.
OP- you should read some pregnancy books and articles geared toward fathers to be.
It is the husbands job to be extra sensitive and to know that even if his wife yells at him and overreacts about little things, she is chock full of hormones. When you are pregnant your body is not your own ( trust me). It is a beautiful thing. Many women however myself included, feel very self conscious about their changing bodies and the husband needs to make them feel beautiful and loved. Yes we do cook but that should not be your main concern.
Be an understanding, sensitive, thoughtful husband, and things should not get out of hand. And if it does, be an EXTRA understanding, sensitive, and thoughtful husband. You are not the one getting her hormones messed up, and having a whole person living off your insides, feeling like an entire football team is sitting on your bladder, and getting swollen ankles, feeling exhausted 24/7 but too nauseous to eat or sleep. And those are the good days. Thank your wife for being the literal bearer of this wonderful, beautiful “burden.” And oh yeah, tell her how gorgeous she looks, as she gets larger and larger. And MEAN it!
lovebeingjewish – It definitely can bring problems esp. if the woman overplays it. I see no reason for a woman to want ice cream in middle of the night. If her craving is Really that bad -let her go and get it herself! But I believe most women don’t exaggerate and when they say a symptom like nausea -they are telling the truth.
Why does everyone understand the poor hormonal wife, who’s going through so much, and not the poor husband-of-a-hormonal-wife, who has to put up with her ?! Seriously, its tough for her, so she needs his support. So now that his usual support has gone on siesta for nine months, what does he become, a malach ?
I don’t think men should be telling women how to cope with their difficulties during this time, nor should the women here be giving advice to the men how to deal with it.
Health and Logician: I can see how helpful you were in your wives pregnancies! When I was expecting my first, I cried all day, I didn’t know what hit me. I didn’t recognize myself. I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t in control of my emotions. I was miserable and throwing up all day! My husband was told by his mother a.h. to IGNORE me!!You could just imagine how that brought us closer? That was very POOR advice! After 3 months I went to my ob/gyn he told me I was perfectly normal and I had no control over my emotions at that point. I walked out of his office a different person.After that I started feeling better and glowed the rest of my pregnancy.That was 30 years ago. Now I am Baruch Hashem a grandmother and I watch my children throwing up. It is not always so easy but WELL WORTH IT! For all you husbands out there a little COMPASSION please!
Love being Jewish: EVERYONE needs to feel appreciated, BUT sometimes one is not capable at looking at the total picture. It doesn’t mean she does not appreciate you, it means she’s wrapped up in herself at the moment.
“Do they become moody? Do they still cook?”
They better still cook…
Do they still cook?
because of their hormones, many women can koch much more than usual during pregnancy.
Of all the shalom bayis books and choson lessons, all you must remember is two words: common sense. Give what you do thought and then a little more thought. Put yourself in your spouse’s shoes and do things genuinely for them. A woman loved is a woman happy. So if she feels she cant cook due to tiredness or that smells bother her or any of the many other weird and wonderful reasons, smile and say its ok. Wouldnt you want her to say the same to you if you were feeling bothered and rotten for a long period of time. Old fashioned caring for each other rides above all.
Lovebeingjewish- tell her exactly that. She probably doesn’t realize it herself.
LovebeingJewish–see the chapter on “being a man” in Garden of Peace by Rav Shalom Arush. He specifically deals with what you’re saying. What he’s saying would have never occurred to me on my own. But I think there’s a ton of wisdom in that book and every married man should read it.
My wife is extremely tired during pregnancy and takes long naps every day. So I do much of the cooking and more of the childcare when she’s pregnant, at least during the first half of the pregnancy.
lovebeingjewish – don’t tell us – tell your wife!
Why does everyone understand the poor hormonal wife, who’s going through so much, and not the poor husband-of-a-hormonal-wife, who has to put up with her”
Wah, wah, wah! If you don’t understand why we are more sympathetic to the woman whose body is literally no longer her own, who in 9 months will try to pass a watermelon through a keyhole in a most painful way, who is constantly exhausted, whose life revolves around where the next clean restroom might be, and so nauseated that it might literally make her sick to smell food cooking, much less to cook it, then there is nothing to say.
Good luck.
Hi lovebeingjewish..dont have time to read teh rest of the posts, but jst to tell u – during pregnancy anything is normal! i know plenty of people who wont go near the kitchen for at least the first 3-5 months of pregnancy and some who cant go near the kitchen all 9 months of pregnancy. The hormones in a woman can cause her to have mood swings, burst out crying for no apparent reason, get annoyed or moody at anything or everything – i dont know why it happens – and for people who it happens to within the first year of marriage it can be really difficult and really trying on their shalom bayis. The woman cant help what she’s going through, her body is changing in a way that’s never happened before and she’s at loss to what is happening as much as you are. The only thing you can do is do your best to try and be understanding – even though u feel like smashing your head against a brick wall, do as much as you can to help out when she feels ill – even though u feel like running away and iyh it will pass and your marriage will be much stronger because of it. She will appreciate it – even though she may not be able to show it now or may not even realise it now – she will afterwards and things will get better. Good luck!
lovebeingjewish
I’m with smarcookie and wanderingchana on this. Tell your wife that you need to hear it once in a while. Just because she’s pregnant doesn’t mean that she is exempt from being appreciative-and she deserves the chance to make you happy.
During pregnancy (and beyond) a woman often feels very vulnerable and needs her husband’s protection and devotion.
A husband who is unsure how to best provide these (very normal for a man) should seek guidance from a competent source (you don’t need to have real problems to consult a therapist) ASAP (to prevent problems).
a mamin -“Health and Logician: I can see how helpful you were in your wives pregnancies!”
Yes, how could you see? Because you jumped to conclusions from my post? The way of the Torah is to Dan people L’caf Zecus -not to jump to conclusions. Do you deny the fact that some women overplay being pregnant?
Yes, SOME women might overplay their pregnancies, but the VAST, VAST majority of women are not trying to belabor (pun intended) the issue. They would much prefer not to feel so bone-tired all the time (and it is usually worse with subsequent pregnancies, because now they also have their first children to take care of at the same time as being pregnant). Some women sail through their pregnancies. Others, do not. And it is unfair to make light of the incredible changes that the body undergoes. men have absolutely no idea. They think of the labor as being THE issue, but really it is a 9 month long process, ranging from moderately uncomfortable, to excruciatingly painful, and even chalilah life-threatening. There is a reason why a man must bensch gomeil for his wife after she gives birth. It is also the reason why the mitzvah of pru urvu is on the men and not the women, because the sakanas nefashos is on the woman.
Women should not milk things for all their worth, but give us ladies a break, willya? If men had to have the babies, there probably would be no more than one per family. 😉
Love your post Oomis!
OOmis -“If men had to have the babies, there probably would be no more than one per family.”
Now that’s an interesting thought. If men could have babies – Hashem wouldn’t have to have created women.
Now let’s have a discussion about – are we better off now that he did create women or not?
Who’s “we”?
Men – yes
Women – ?
oomis, great posts. All of them. I don’t think men in general have a great understanding of how important it is to be extra sensitive to pregnant women. I also don’t think they have a great understanding of how to treat women in the first place, but that’s another discussion entirely.
Health, I know that anything I say in response to your “interesting discussion” will cause you to blow up at me, so I’ll keep my mouth shut, and simply say, thank G-d that there are women.
yes, it is challenging for the husband to remain supportive with an emotional and hormonal sensitive wife.
However it is the husbands obligation to be there for his wife, she is going through hard times, you should be in this together.
The best thing would be that you actually let her know that even though you do not really understand and know what she feels, you will try your best to be there for her.
it pays!
2scents -“However it is the husbands obligation to be there for his wife, she is going through hard times, you should be in this together.”
Despite some posts here -I got along fine with my ex-wife at the time of her pregnancies.
What I find disturbing is that no woman here will admit that there are women who play their pregnancies to the hilt. Maybe they are attention seekers – maybe they have mental/emotional problems. But whatever the cause – it does exist and not all women are the angels they present themselves to be.
wanderingchana -“Who’s “we”?
Men – yes
Women – ?”
All the men of the world. “We” is plural.
Health – so, you’re divorced, and you’re wondering if men are better off that Hashem created women, since some, according to you, “play their pregnancies to the hilt/are attention seekers/maybe have mental/emotional problems.”
Sounds like you’re the one with the agenda. Please tell me you don’t want to be a doctor for humans.
Let’s talk about all the women who work themselves to the bone so that they merit a chelek of their husbands’ “learning” while they’re actually bumming around kollel at their father-in-laws’ expense.
it does exist and not all women are the angels they present themselves to be.”
Most are…
oomis, great posts. All of them”
Kind of you to say so. Thank you.
Love your post Oomis”
Thank you. Always nice to hear that! 🙂
wanderingchana -“Health – so, you’re divorced, and you’re wondering if men are better off that Hashem created women, since some, according to you, “play their pregnancies to the hilt/are attention seekers/maybe have mental/emotional problems.”
“Sounds like you’re the one with the agenda. Please tell me you don’t want to be a doctor for humans.”
You’re trying to make it sound that because of divorce I was wondering about the need of women. It sounds like you have an agenda, not me. I said clearly -I was discussing the need of women if they weren’t the ones who have the kids. Having children & raising them – I feel is the main Tachlis of women, not like the Goyim in our generation. So you disagree with this???
“Let’s talk about all the women who work themselves to the bone so that they merit a chelek of their husbands’ “learning” while they’re actually bumming around kollel at their father-in-laws’ expense.”
If this is your situation and you resent it – I suggest you speak to Rabbonim and/or marital counselors!
oomis1105 -“Most are…”
And I’m still waiting for one of these “angels” to answer Yes to the question I posted on the topic called – “Who wants to be a Tzadiekes like Rus?”.
Back up a minute.
You’re wondering if men, such as yourself, would have been better off if Hashem *hadn’t* created women (and therefore wouldn’t be around to raise men’s children, either). Who needs women who “play their pregnancies to the hilt”? Who needs women who are “attention seekers”? Who needs women who “maybe have mental/emotional problems”?
I brought up kollel malingerers to illustrate how ridiculous your gross generalizations are.
I don’t personally know of any women who have ever played their pregnancies to the hilt, but I have met both men *and* women who are attention seekers/have mental/emotional problems. I’ve also met doctors who act like they hate women, and the world would indeed be better off without them.
Maybe the question should be, why did Hashem make them that way?
wanderingchana -“You’re wondering if men, such as yourself, would have been better off if Hashem *hadn’t* created women (and therefore wouldn’t be around to raise men’s children, either). Who needs women who “play their pregnancies to the hilt”? Who needs women who are “attention seekers”? Who needs women who “maybe have mental/emotional problems”?”
“I brought up kollel malingerers to illustrate how ridiculous your gross generalizations are.”
The only thing that is ridiculous is your posts. You keep putting all my posts together to “prove” your point. They were separate issues, but I think you know that. The pregnancy post was about them being prego & playing it up. The post of needing women was based on OOmis’s post that they aren’t the ones having the kids.
Your emotional response, instead of a logical one, says a lot more about you and other women, than anything you wrote about me!
“I’ve also met doctors who act like they hate women, and the world would indeed be better off without them.”
Talk about generalizations! Has anyone in the medical field ever told you that they hate women?!?!?
Its a clear fact, pregnacy is not easy women are emotional and hormonal. combine all of that and they can use our support.
Health, please dont take it personally, just state your opinions and keep n moving.
Health, thanks for helping me make my point. Chag kasher v’sameach, and hatzlacha with, you know, everything.
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