Shadchanus – How Much?

BS”D

$10000 and $1000 for every dress size over 2 though Mrs Menivelman charges by the pound whereas Rebbetzin Schmoigerman charges according to this dress size formula. What’s more they DO NOT accept food-shtempelach for shadchanus.

…and include which neighborhood you are referring too (of course).

I heard of a girl who was in shidduchim long enough and she wanted to offer a substantial amount,… a couple of thousands… to make shadchanim redt her quality boys, she was told not to do it

You’d be surprised girls who come from families where everything is NOT given on a silver platter have large savings for their wedding,shadchanus and helping set up their future home..

these girls work hard for their money. As far as those who aren’t saving SHOULD be putting aside $ it’s not only the parents responsibilty… the singles could give from their own $

It’s called Hakaras HaTov!!!

oomis, it would be wonderful if everything could be done as a mitzvah, but that isn’t the practicality of the modern world, especially for one who spends full-time performing mitzvahs.

You don’t expect the mohel to work w/o a payment, so why should a professional shadchan be any different? After all, you don’t HAVE to use their services if you don’t wish.

by the way, I wasn’t recommending Jdate, just noting its widespread use.

I think many people use internet dating as a shield, to keep from doing some of the other things they should be doing, such as meeting people, interacting with them and their families, etc.

You are supposed to give what you can afford and with a full heart.

My sister made two shidduchim. One was a very poor couple – he was Israeli, she was a russian immigrant. They bought her a beautiful necklace (around $100) and my sister cherished it. The other shidduch gave her around $1000 and she used it to go backpacking through Europe that summer.

Both were greatly appreciated by my sister, each in their own way.

Oomis, Shadchanim who do this as a profession, even part time, have been around for a long time. I’m sure you don’t get upset when a nurse gets paid, or anyone else in the helping professions. When a Rebbe, nurse or a PT, or for that matter a sanitation worker and a gardner, do work for you, do you get angry that you have to pay them?

If someone reds you a shiduch, or clears off your lawn, and says cheerfully, “no charge”, that’s a very nice thing. But I personally don’t work for free in my profession, and it’s very surprising to me that people expect Shadchan work to be for free, except for “hakaras hatov”. I agree that hakoras hatov is important, and I have given chocolate platters to nurses, holiday tips to postal workers, a platter of cake for someone who did yard work for me, and a beautiful note with a giftcard to my child’s therapist. In all cases, the individuals get paid for their work; in the latter two examples, paid by me. The money I pay my child’s therapist is payment for services rendered; the generous gift and note are demonstrations of hakoras hatov.

Shadchanim are halachicly entitled to collect a fee. IOW you are halachicly obligated to pay the shadchan a fair market fee for his services (unless he agrees to waive it.) See Rama C.M. 87:39 and 185:10. Doesn’t matter if he is a part-time, full-time, volunteer, etc. shadchan. (Beiur HaGra, ibid. and Teshuvos M’harash Engel 3:15.)

Also see Ketzos HaShulchan 107:8; Kaf ha-Chayim 306:50; Erech Shai E.H. 50; Reb Akiva Eiger C.M. 185.

personally, I perform matches with only the expectation of a hearty thank you and an invitation to the wedding. Naming the first child after me is totally optional.

if you have a desirable or easy-to-match child, you are better off paying by the hour.

Bemused

Joseph

Thank you It’s quite amazing how many people have no problem telling others what and how they should preform chesed.

Jothar:

I have asked your question to numerous shadchanim who don’t have a price and just graciously receive whatever is given. They have told me that typical shadchanus is $1,000 to $1,500 each side.

However it varies by community and obviously people who can’t afford give less wealthy more. But the $$ amount I quoted is pretty much the going rate.

For all those holier than thou people:

Take a guess how many shidduchim per year the busiest shadchanim make. Yeah the ones who have no personal or private life left because they are hounded non stop from 7am until 1am. The ones who go to weddings and don’t put a morsel of food in their mouth because mothers are lining up to get their attention. The ones whose married children can’t talk to them on the phone because they receive 100 incoming phone calls a day – the callers (due to frustration/desperation) DEMAND that they get return calls. The ones who can’t have private time with their children because of the incessant phone calls and the need to navigate the tricky waters and logistics of whatever active dates on on their head on any given day.

Anyone want to venture how many shiddcuhim they make in their best year??

I know a well known shadchan personally and she made about 2-5 successful shidduchim a year

Countless, ideas come up all the time sometimes the shadchan thinks of an idea and the boy doesn’t look in to it at all, or looks in to it but it’s “not for him”, actually going out is a separate thing it really depends on the boys mom.. if shes open minded-a breath of fresh air–she’ll allow for the shadchan to give his info. then the girl’s mom calls his references if she’s openminded or desperate she’ll “just give him a date” but if she’s picky and the answer is “no” were back at square one!

This can go on who knows how long with everyone in the frum comm. So the question really is all the singles are getting redt shidduchim but no…for one person this isn’t good enough and another this isn’t and before long the shadchanim wont bother calling anymore!

The succesful ones are for frum, open minded, considerate and caring singles

also whose parents aren’t overbearing and overprotective!!!!!!!

who understand we all have faults I mean we’re not Hashem!

Shaindel: Please enlighten the cr members in denial about the time energy and effort that the shadchan you know has to expend to make the 2-5 successful shidduchim.

I’m sure there are people who think that she makes a couple of phone calls a week no doubt while relaxing with not a care in the world and presto 5 shidducim a year…….

AZ, I think for once you are saying something that I can back you up on.

Why do we need shadchanim at all? Why don’t we simply do as all the cynics are proposing, and do away with them completely? Let boys and girls mingle and find each other on their own?

The answer is simple. We don’t want our boys and our girls mingling. We are maintaining a high level of kedusha in our communities by keeping boys and girls separated from an early age. As a result, the chances of meeting the person that you are going to marry on your own is low.

There is a price to be paid for this hiddur, just like there is a price to pay for any hiddur. Just like there is a price for running our own school systems. Why do frum people pay thousands and thousands per child to send them to a frum school, when there are free options? Frum people realize that kedusha has a price, and it is worth paying for.

Shidduchim is no different. These boys and girls need a third party to make the connection. They need coaching, coaxing, and good advice from someone who can tell them how to deal with the opposite gender, because they have no experience of their own to guide them. This means that a disinterested third party has to do a lot of work so that two people can find each other – after spending their whole lives keeping as far apart as possible. While I’m sure that some shadchanim don’t care for payment and are satisfied with acquiring chessed, not all shadchanim feel this way and there is no reason why any shadchan has to be an altruist.

If you don’t want to deal with someone who needs to be paid, then by all means operate without the professional shadchan. It is your choice. But if you do use the shadchan, then you’d better be prepared to pay for it – just like you know that you (or your parents) had to pay for all those years of Hebrew school.

after reading the Funny Shiduchim Stories here, I think maybe a course in “social skills” or “dating skills” may be called for. It sounds as if many of the boys, and some of the girls could use a course on how to act respectfully with the opposite sex, while also putting your best foot forward. This way, many of the shidduchim that fail due to awkwardness or social gaffes by one or both of the participants, could be salvaged, and the costs of shadchanut could be brought down.

Obviously different communities have different customs (as is very common)

“You don’t expect the mohel to work w/o a payment, so why should a professional shadchan be any different? After all, you don’t HAVE to use their services if you don’t wish. “

FTR, a mohel is NOT allowed to charge a fee. He receives a monetary matana. I had one mohel tell me an amount for the usual “matana” and it much less than another mohel’s matana, and had another mohel refuse to take money from me at all. If you HIRE a shadchan to find a match, that is very different from someone you know redding a shidduch for you. There are many types of shadchanim, only a few act professionally in my opinion. And if the shadchan is trying to make shidduchim professionally, they should be paid a REASONABLE fee for their effort, whether or not it succeeds, if in fact they are really working on behalf of their client. A doctor is paid whether or not he cures the sick person. If a person puts in many hours to try to redd a genuine shidduch (as opposed to “here’s a boy, here’s a girl, it’s a match”), there should be some compensation financially for that work. If it goes through, a small gift should be given, too, not $1,000 from each side. Just my opinion, folks.

“I’ve haggled with mothers, tried to convince girls”

How much haggling and convincing should a shadchan engage in to try to make it a go?

Joseph:

It depends on how much needs to be covered up!!!

covered up, or revealed?

AZ, the kind of person you describe as a shadchanim SHOULD be compensated for their time, because clearly their entire life is about shidduchim. But they should be paid for their HISHTADLUS, not for whether the shidduch goes through, if it’s as time-consuming as you describe. Anyone who wants a shadchan to work for them, should sign a contract as with any service, and pay a fee (say $100 or so). THEN they have the right to make those calls to the shadchan, and the shadchan has to make an obvious and sincere effort to find a shidduch for the son or daughter. If they make a successful shidduch, maybe another $100 can be paid. But if not, at least they were paid for trying. And if it can be proved they did NOT try, they should return the money that was given to them.

Joseph – depends on the shidduch. Lots of mothers just need a lot of therapy – a listening ear, someone to complain to, to sort things out with… Since I’m kind of in the psychology field anyway, this is second nature to me…