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I am in the parsha now and although I am not by any means old many of my friends are already married and having children. I know Hashem has a plan for me but because of my family situation I am the one calling all of the shadchanim and following up so if anyone knows any really great shadchanim (successful but more importantly baale middos) they could mention, it would be much appreciated!
I am a shadchan, but I am not sure how u can get a hold of me. I am not pushy and usually offer what u ask for. I do have quite a few clients that take care of there own shiduchim for whatever reason, but then again, you know best what u are looking for in a husband/wife.
I work with a few ladies, so we network quite a bit. So if I dont have anything that could be suitable I usually go to one of my friends to see if she could help me out…
You never know we might hav something going here.
I was told that a Rebitzen was printing a shadchanim list in the hamodia. I will try to get a hold of her if she in fact did it and in which one etc…as s oon as I have information I will post. I think I’m on that list…
Mom 12 –
Are any of the girls you are dealing with (and simchafan,if you’re a girl, which it seems to be you are) considering boys that are working? And if so, could you note a general age range of these girls? (a 5 year window, or under x ceiling would be sufficent)
Lchaim Shidduch Organization’s volunteer shadchanim directory lists many accessible shadchanim who deal with all types it categorizes who each shadchan deals with.
but would be open to a boy whose Hashkofos are more to the yeshivish side
Not sure how that differs from “boys who are learning for the most part”, so please clarify.
And as far as working, that is not even something you ask about?
simchafan I think this is a great idea and actually tried starting a thread simmilar to this before. Problem is the mods don’t allow people to post email addresses or phone numbers of shadchanim so I’m not sure if youre going to get too much info.
Is it shadchanim you seek or are you looking to get set up on quality dates. Simply having a list of more and more shadchanim to call is not necessarily the most effective way to get yourself quality attention/quality dates and thus the best chance to get married SOON.
The yated recently in their shidduch forum had a number of experienced people in the field discuss what individual girls and their parents can do to get themselves/their daughters quality dates.
AZ, “The yated recently in their shidduch forum had a number of experienced people in the field discuss what individual girls and their parents can do to get themselves/their daughters quality dates.”
I havent seen it. Can you please summarize? Thanks.
I spoke to the husband of a “prominent” boro park shadchan, and by prominent, I mean that she has been quoted before in articles, mentioned on blogs, ect. (I’ll not mention her name).
I asked him how to go about getting a friends daughter “listed” with her, or to see if she’s already on the list.
His reponse: Call on Monday; that’s when the SECRATARY is in. Mind you, in previous conversations with the husband (when wife was slammed for being price driven, and he was defending her) he said she work “l’shem shomayim” (his words).
So I ask, why the secratary? His response: with over 4000 names, she needs one.
4000 names? Gevald, no wonder we have a crisis. AZ is right, you need to find a quality shadchan, not quantity. Forget the lists, and ask your married friends / family members to put you in touch with the people that worked magic for them.
And do yourself a favor. Be proactive. Find the shidduch YOU want, do the homework, and then have someone do the actual shidduch call. That way, the incentive is already in place (at least 1 side is ready to roll).
the directory is sold for around $20-25 at the bottom for the website you can click on it.
There is a long list of shadchanim in the thread Chassidshe Shadchanim.
They Yated shidduch forum on how to get dates was a 2,000 word column, but these are some of the highlights culled from the various response.
1. Dealing with shadchanim- make it easy and pleasant for them to work with you
meaning
A. Make sure what that what you are looking for is something they can find and get a yes from the boy for. E.g. a girl from a simple background whose dream is to run a playgroup for children but insists on marrying the next chazon ish and she will support him. That may be a lofty dream but hard for a Shadchan to fill and not one they will invest time in.
C. Let shadchanim know you appreciate their efforts on your behalf. If you get to a date #2 or date #4 show them your appreciation. They deserve it and they will respond in kind to people who appreciate them and treat them as such.
E. Get back to them in a timely manner (quickly). Make sure to give references who are reachable and will also respond in a timely manner.
2. Networking outside of shadchanim
A. Consistently encourage extended family members/ friends/ acquaintances to to keep you in mind and look out (network) for you.
B. Look into using various effective online (and kosher) matchmaking sites e.g. YU connects.
C. Single friends who are looking for similar boys to who you are looking for are a good resource.
I think thats a great idea hope the mods are reading this!
The following has been posted in the past and it works. Identify a shadchan or two whom you think would know the right kind of boy for you. Let them know you recognize how busy they are and you appreciate their time and effort. Put a clear reasonable amount of compensation for date number 2/date number 4. (I would suggest for girls 21-25 $100 for date #2 350 for date #4, for girls 25+ it’s obviously more difficult and should be adjusted considerabley higher).
Yes i put my $$ where my typing is for individual girls who i personally am looking out for and have seen tremendous results. Shadchanim appreciate being appreciated and its a achievable goal that they will pursue not simply for the money but for the unusual phenomena of someone who identifies with their struggle.
You can expand thus by tactfully informing your various acquaintances of the same offer. it’s a extremely inexpensive way of getting quality attention.
It may be more tactful if someone other than the individual girl or her family contacts the shadchan on their behalf and makes the offer perhaps even without the girl and her family knowing (that’s what I have done) but either way IT WORKS, plain and pasut!
AZ: How much should girls aged 17-19 pay?
Some parents can’t afford that type of compensation just for a 2nd date! And then do the shadchanim expect full compensation if the couple gets engaged? I do agree with the concept of compensation but more as a token of appreciation and not a bribe. Around $100-150 for a 4th date seems appropriate. It generally means that it was a decent try. A 2nd date doesn’t mean too much.
I’m more in favor of a gift after a “good try”, but only after the relationship ends. And certainly not a set amount.
popa, you are out of line, reitzin un like that.
AI:
Expensive? It’s the most cost effective way to get your daughter married! Most girls are engaged before they date 5 boys 4x’s each. Exact amounts should be left to each family, Just know two points.
1. getting to a fourth date is not easy. Getting even to a 2nd date is not easy. We are not discussing a bribe, we are discussing recognition of the effort that it takes and showing appreciation for it. Whatever the individual feels is appropriate is what they should do. NOT to be yotzei, NOT to bribe, but to show sincere appreciation for what was already done.
2. The key here is rewarding for a achievable result. It’s a simple effective concept. Date number two means it wasn’t a bomb and it takes work to set up ANY date.
Someone recently said to me “I should should pay S100 every month??” I responded you should wish your daughter would get to a date number two, 12x’s a year…… He heard me loud and clear.
PPA:
I agree this should be given after it “ends” not while they are dating. It is extremely frustrating for a shadchan who put in “kishkes”, got them to a date #2/4 whatever, and then it fell apart. It is very easy for a shadchan to become disheartened (and many do and many quit for this reason). That is the perfect time for them to receive this recognition!
I actually like the idea of paying the shadchan for the date.
I am just confused, why would they get $$$ for each additional date? It’s you who is the dater doing the hard work now. Am I missing something? Yes, I know they call and say do you want to go out again but thats really not a hard job, its a bigger pain to convince them to go out in the first place.
sacrilege:
The concept it not per date. It’s at date #2 for the initial work, date #4 because that’s a barometer of it having been a real quality suggestion. If a girl gets to a few date #4’s she will married! To only do it at date #4 is missing the concept of “achievable result”. Date #4 is a bit far off when looking at the outset for a shadchan to focus on.
(in addition in many circles the shadcahn does spend hours with each side between dates advising coaching etc. but that should all be for a individual to decide what they think is appropriate recognition as per the effort of the shadchan for that particular shidduch.)
For the record this concept has been tried and proven
It’s not reasonable to expect a family to pay for every second date.
Shadchanus like sales is a result based profession, close the deal get paid.
Simcafan: pls clarify what
“While I hear the idea behind offering to pay a shadchan like that it is also interesting in how to go about telling a shadchan that they would get paid for setting a specific person up”
means
Arc: no one is asking you to do anything you don’t like. Simchafan asked for some suggestions and I posted that which works.
AZ, I know many girls parents who would willingly work with an honest and aggressive Shadchan, even if it means paying for dates, but have no idea how to get hold of Shadchanim who are good at it and know lots of guys.
This is not about “paying for dates”. This is about after a shidduch goes to completion (even if not engaged) appreciating and compensating the shadchan appropriately for what they have provided. It makes all the difference in the world and shadchanim (being that they are human like the rest of us) respond very positively to it.
By and large shadchanim are not “for sale” as they don’t want to be beholden to any one individual.
I don’t know what all the complaining is about. The bucher(or more likely his parents) spends at least $50, getting to the girl, going to a place, etc. We have to solve this “shiduch crisis”.
simcha:
1. Try it in the form of money. It is very well deserved by the shadchanim. I think you miss the point. It’s not about hakaros hatov any more than compensating your plumber, contractor, or hair dresser is about hakaras hatov. They don’t want to be treated like chesed cases, they want to be treated like they deserve to be treated for their time and effort on behalf of singles.
2. If you feel uncomfortable calling yourself (understood) get a bit creative and have a friend call the shadchan discuss you and present it as if she (your friend) is willing to compensate the shadchan for her time and effort every time you reach a date #2/date #4. This way it’s not uncomfortable for you or for the shadchan and it yields the result that you are looking for.
3. Being that this is a public forum i would suggest many many people do it for their friends. It’s a simple effective way to help their friends get attention. It’s something married girls could do for their single friends. it’s something a class could team up and have all the marrieds pool some money and help all the single from their class. A small amount of money will go a long way.
Here’s some simple math. Suppose 70 girls in a grade 20 still single. if the 50 marrieds kick in on average 250 for their classmates, and the offer is 100 for a date #2 and 350 for a date #4 there would be enough money for the 20 single girls to reach date #2’s 125 times or date #4’s 35 times or some combo of the two.
You get the picture. It really really works.
my daughter is looking for a boy that is working or/and in school but still has learning as a priority.he has to daven with a minyan,be fine and frum but doent have to wear black and white.all the shadchanim seem to come up with are bums who are working because either they have some sort of ADD,or because they are the black sheep of their family etc.the shadchanim that dealt with our family when it was time to marry off my son-who sits and learns-do not have any ehrlich in school or working boys to offer us.
You get what you ask for.
just another point when u start dating at 18-19 you might change and have changed your outlook since then. Keeping tabs on the shadchanim and your shidduch resume is important– from the shadchanim I speak to they really expect you to be on top of them you should update your shidduch resume and call them with friendly reminders as well.
there are also several good shadchonim dealing strictly with those with medical issues.
You can find the list int eh L’Chaim directory as well as on http://www.frumsupport.com under the section that deals with shidduchim & medical issues.
would the mod’s let me post names and #’s of shadchonim with their permission?
Can someone please post these threads your referring to with shadchanim numbers?
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