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Thank you, Areivimzehlazeh.
I found this question /debate intersting as I have found from country to country and kehilla to kehilla the form varies tremendously.
When ‘Redding’ a shidduch in some countries/kehillas if the person doesn’t call back it means a no whereas in others it could mean they have not finished their enquiries or some other reason.
Some people call back quickly others like to take their time for fear of being seen as too eager.
As to the comments about a Streimel etc. Many parents have an idea of their kids wearing or not wearing a shtreimel without consulting the kids. Likewise how long the kid wants to stay in learning or where to live. I feel all these questions can and should not only be asked but asked to the child not the parent giving their opinion. The shadchan should say “Please ask your child whther they would consider…..” you never know the answer.
Unfortunately not only shaddchonim but families/friends also lie and therefore it is imperative that detailed enquiries be made from as many sources as possible. However as much a shadchan want to make a shidduch it is a business after all.
Lies are unforgiveable. Bear in mind when a brilliant etc etc shidduch is being “Red” to a not so brilliant etc etc family check it out – why! Make as many enquiries as you want over a time period of what you feel comfortable with – it doesn’t have to take one day and also formulate your questions very specifically – if you ask general you’ll get general back. Ask detailed and very specific and you’ll get the specific replies you seek.
Don’t always blame the shadchan – I have met many families where the questions are so general that there has been no reason to fill in anything else because the Halacha is clear – all direct questions must be answered specifically and no generalisation questions asked and people should not offer general info but ask for a specific question to be directed to them.
Apologies for such a long reply.
Which shadchanim are good to go to??
Tutoring: well where do u live? Are you ashkenaz or sephardic……?
This topic brings to mind a personal experience.
Boy gave a yes and was red to girl. Girl’s parents called references and one refrence happened to be a distant relative, so the girl’s mother trusted the person. Mother asked this referenc if boy or family has any physical or emotional issues. This refrence who was a istant relative of girl, but close friend of boy, said No. Other references were called and boy and girl began to date. In the midle of dating, someone told girls parents that boy has a serious health issue. Mother went back to original reference, who she trusted and he said that the boy got a Psak from a Rov that as long as he tells girl of the sitch by the fifth date, he doesnt have to tell in the beginning and references have to cover for him. I’d like to know how Rov would feel if girl woul be his daughter.
Really sad for the girl, but sadder for the boy who is prob. always on emotional roller coaster, when each girl finds out on the 5th date (or earlier) and drops the Shidduch.
i’m ashkenaz, i would go to a shadchan within the ny area- monsey,brooklyn,queens,five towns,far rockaway anywhere nearby.
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