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I have a dilemma-
A friend(married with 3 kids) of mine weekly asks me what I am doing for shabbos pretty much everyweek. Sometimes we go, but recently I got majorly nauseated(however you spell it) by her food(I am pregnant so I don’t like different things), but my husband told me he doesnt like it either. Then we had them over for shabbos lunch and her 2 year old was being majorly destructive. I closed doors and she got into everything and meanwhile her and her husband sat there doing nothing and I was getting annoyed! I had to keep telling the kid “no no no” and of course she didnt listen. I had knives put away to be toveled and she found them and came out with them. But again no one got up(aside from me and my husband)! I can’t accept her invites anymore, nor have her by me. I feel bad and I dont know what to do. Any advice?
First you should delete identifying details.
What if she reads this?
I think this is the best way to get her point out, without direct confrontation. Why shouldn’t her friend read it. (It’s not identifying to US) Her friend has to be taught elementary middos.
Yogi, if she is your friend then she knows your are expecting. If she asks just say you need a quiet Shabbos to rest after the busy week, or to rest up for the upcoming busy week.
ummm this may seem like an obvious question but why dont u just make other plans…ex: ur parents, ur siblings, in laws other friends??? then u can just say ur busy this week maybe another week…hopefully after a couple of weeks of u having other plans she will give up on u and find someone else to invite…
u can always say u are exhausted and want to rest.
so do not ask publicly on facebook. call up friends, family etc. so she will not be aware what your plans are. as the above wrote, if she wants to come over , you can tell her you really are looking forward to spending time at home just with your hubby.
maybe you can eat at home and then go to her maybe make it like your eating her food. i think telling her you have other plans evrrey week is mean and will get her very sad.
or maybe you can make a joke out of it and reveal that you don’t want the 2-year-old ruining your house, or say, “I’m a little scared, last time he got hold of my knives how can we prevent this?”
Yogi- what’s wrong with telling her that since ur pregnant, it’s hard for you to eat in a different home, and you like to stay home. You can also say you want your Shabbosim home just you and hub. Nothing wrong. If she’s a normal human being she should understand.
Why does everything have to be made so difficult? You don’t want to go, don’t go. Tell her you already have plans (don’t elaborate – your plans could be for taking a walk, or eating cereal).If she persists, asking for a future date, just tell her you never know how you will be feeling, so you don’t plan in advance.
As to the issue of her children’s behavior – it is totally UNACCEPTABLE for parents to remain passive as their children wreck someone else’s house (I won’t even DISCUSS the knives). If they are that laid-back, then invite them without the children and when they expectedly say they can’t come without them, say that you are concerned that their children will hurt themselves or inadvertenly break something, because they don’t yet have the patience to sit still, and you are too tired to watch them yourself. I think it is time for parents to get the direct message that if their kids are not going to be behaved (as many are not capable of being at a certain age)or alternatively, be supervised by a thoughtful parent (and it is the PARENT’S fault if they are not), they will not be invited out too often. End of story.
And by the way, in a gutteh shaah when your own child is born B”EH, please do not be that parent yourself of whom you complain, who thinks everything her child does is precious, even as she is tearing up someone’s living room. We tend to see such faults in others but not in ourselves (not saying you will, but just a cautionary thought to you).
Note to all parents who fit this description: People might be too polite to tell you that your children are behaving like brats and that you are behaving equally badly because you are allowing it to happen. Grow up. No one enjoys children who run wild and are out of control. It is not pretty, it is not adorable, and it is potentially dangerous for them, because limits are not being set properly on their actions and they are not learning about acceptable and uncacceptable behavior. I had visiting (frum)grandchildren from my neighbor, running wildly and screaming like banshees through my property, hitting my retaining wall with a bat, which is across the street from them), while my children and baby ainekel who were visitng for Shabbos, were trying to take a nap in the afternoon. Twice we had to go out to shoo them away. Where were the parents? NOWHERE in sight. And these were kids of all ages, including very young toddlers, who should not have been across the street to begin with.
Sorry for my soapbox. This is an issue with me. I don’t get angered easily, but failing to properly take care of children and instill middos in them IS my personal hot-button gear grinder.
I concur with all that oomis said.
[sidenote: oomis must’ve added the last 2 paragraphs after I wrote my concurrence.]
very well written oomis.
oomis1105
So now I know where your ‘tickle’ button is!
“oomis-i agree with you 100% but im not here to discuss kids and behavior. i was just trying to find out some advice. BTW(since we live in the same community) I saw two cute little boys on Shabbos and i wish you much nachas from them! “
Thank you so much – I have a lot of nachas bli ayin hara. NOW I AM CURIOUS, though. Who are you(a little hint… pleaase…since we obviously know each other?) Yep, my adorable little boys were here for Shabbos, my kinehora almost 5 year old and 4 month old grandsons plus their mommy and abba. My son took them out for a walk after lunch/ When they came back, they all went to lie down, but the noise from the kids outside my window was beyond belief.
I really stand by what I said. I don’t think you owe explanations to someone for not being available for a meal, if that is your desire. If the person’s feelings are so easily insulted, perhaps this is not the best friend for you at this point in your life. You need less stress, not more, when you are pregnant. Maybe you can have a heart to heart without the kids present, and tell her frankly, “Soraleh (or whatever), I really enjoy your company and I love to get together with you, but right now, I am nauseated by a lot of food items, and I would not want to impose on you to prepare special foods for me. I also would love to get together with you and Reuvein WITHOUT the children sometimes. It’s hard to have adult conversation when the kids are distracting our attention. Tell me when you are available for a couples-only night out.”
Yogi – come over and introduce yourself, if you know where I live.
I concur with all that oomis said.
[sidenote: oomis must’ve added the last 2 paragraphs after I wrote my concurrence.] “
Always Here, does that mean that you do NOT concur?????
Zeeskite – no tickling allowed.
Amichai -thanks.
Yogi- you only have to watch another’s feelings if it is normal. Your friend obviously gets insulted from nothing and it’s NOT your problem.
Yes, you should be very careful around her and make sure to respect her, but when it comes to saying a normally understandable statement(we cannot come this shabbos), and she gets insulted- it’s HER PROBLEM.
NOT YOURS
NOT YOURS
NOT YOURS!
I also know such people and I seriously don’t think that we’re obligated to tiptoe around them all the time because they get insulted much too easily.
As long
as you know, that you really spoke nice to her, then you shouldn’t think into it much more.
You either have to take the chance of insulting her, or blame it on your husband. Say he claims that you always go there or you spend too much time with them, he wants to meet new people.
yogi, I thought you said good bye to the cr.
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