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When a family hosts you as a guest for Shabbos, either for dinner or overnight, is it customary to bring a gift, either on Shabbos or aftertwards? If so, what would be an appropriate gift?
This must be the first time in CR history that a question was officially withdrawn.
NOT ONLY A GIFT>………………………..
You MUST write and mail a THANK YOU NOTE. Email, text or phone call is not appropriate.As far as I’m concerned, “thank you” on the way out is perfectly fine.
hakaras hatov is a proper middah. not everyone expresses it in the same way (nor can they). some expression of hakaras hatov should certainly be shown.
hakaras hatov is a proper middah. not everyone expresses it in the same way (nor can they). some expression of hakaras hatov should certainly be shown.
Agreed.
I also think there’s something sorely lacking in any chessed done with an eye towards how the recipient expresses their hakaras hatov.
I don’t carry an expectation that my guests should thank me in any way.
Sending a thank you note to an environmentalist is like slapping him in the face.
We have guests and sometimes they will bring a bottle of wine or some chocolates for the kids.
It depends…
” Is a written, mailed thank-you note really necessary in this case?”
no.
Unless you stayed at a fancy Connecticut estate then it seems to be required@Ubiquitin
Actually it would apply to having been hosted for Shabbos in a 3 room illegal basement apartment in Boro Park as well.This is the Yekke side of my parentage speaking.
I’m 5th generation American. My parents Z”L were married 65 years when my father died. I only heard them have a verbal altercation once…my mother called my father a ‘peasant from the east’@RebYidd23
Use a note printed on recycled paper….problem solved. It shows the environmentalist you care.Nice try
CTL, can we let the oilem in on our little secret and tell them about your sweat shop, err suit shop, in Boro Park?
@DovidBT
Yes a mailed thank you not is required. Make sure your full return address is on the envelope.
This accomplishes a number of things:
#1 It hows your good breeding and manners
#2 The host/hostess may file these away (my mother, MIL and wife always did/do) and they actually record remarks such as who was there, what was served and about the guest.
These files are used both for inviting for a return visit and more importantly in the Jewish mothers matchmaker service.
#3 Sometimes only one of the couple is there when you leave and receives the oral thanks, this way both know you appreciated being hosted.“Actually it would apply to having been hosted for Shabbos in a 3 room illegal basement apartment in Boro Park as well.”
no it wouldn’t.
“This is the Yekke side of my parentage speaking.”
there arent many yekkes in Boro Park (and probably none in illegal basement apartments).
Manners are determined by convention. In a society were after a meal the custom is to redo your hosts home then that is expected. If the custom is to mail a thank you card then that is expected. If the custom is to say thank you on the way out then that is expected.In Boro Park the custom is to say thank you on the way out, not to redo the home nor to mail a thank you card. In Connecticut it very well may be different,.
Recycled paper is also a finite resource.
dovitBT
hakoras hatov is obviously very important, but how to show it or what gift to get? this depends on the host. the hakoras hatov or the gift should be befitting the host.I’ve been both guest and host for shabbos. A gift is nice and appropriate – most common would be flowers or a bottle of wine or a chocolate/candy platter. A caveat-although I as a guest usually brought flowers, the last time someone brought us flowers I spent the entire shabbos sneezing (I’ve since developed allergies but didn’t want to insult the guest by throwing them out). My kids (and me) love the candy platters, but that goes against my attempts to cut our sugar/food coloring intake. And we drink grape juice. The ones I appreciated most were small gifts like a book or toy for the kids- but that only works if you know the family, that they have kids and what their ages/interests are.
If you are someone who comes all the time and are considered part of the family, then I don’t think you need to bring a gift each time you come, but it is nice to express your thanks and closeness to the family at other times- like bringing a nice miohsloach manos on Purim, or sending a nice gift before Rosh Hashana or for a family simcha, or bringing the kids birthday presents etc.WinnieInPooh,
Great answer!
@Joseph
No secret, no shop
The only time I was in Boro Park in the past 10 years was this past summer for the funeral of a 3rd cousin at Shomrei Hadas.
My father was born in Boro Park in 1920, moved to Flatbush in 1938 and CT in 1950. I have roots there but was born and raised in New Haven and live in Fairfield County for decades.Winniethepoo +1!
Kudos to op who asked a Rabbi who knows him and his community so that he could give him direction based on his personal circumstances.CTL: Shhhhhhh, privacy!
@Joseph
Since your daughter lives here all summer, we have few secretsIf someone mailed me a handwritten thank you note after having been a guest for one shabbos meal, I would immediately assume that the person was neurotic.
When our family stays over at the CTL compound, we always leave an antique as a gift in a show of appreciation. By now they have an entire antique collection. One day when the collection had already served its purpose the CTL family will consign the valuables to Sotheby’s and donate the funds raised at auction to their favorite Jewish charity.
What Joseph doesn’t want anyone to know is that in addition to hosting his daughter for the summer, he has stashed his in-laws for elder-care in our ‘rest home’ in the country. Those are the antiques he refers to.
and….
The 13th Amendment prohibited the sale of humans in the USA, human remains are merely chattel and may be sold, thus the reference to an auction sale.A gift is nice and appropriate – most common would be flowers or a bottle of wine or a chocolate/candy platter
That reminds me of one time we invited people from a website that we didn’t know and they brought chalav stam chocolate (not sure why, we served fleishigs) and when we told them that we keep chalav yisrael they said awww too bad and kept it for themselves
no.
Unless you stayed at a fancy Connecticut estate then it seems to be requiredThat got me to smile
I wonder if Joe sent a thank you note for his daughter 😜
but do Joe and family members send thank-you cards?
Let’s rename this post to How Well CTL and Joseph Get Along With Perfect Manners
🙂
It is prohibited to give a gift on Shabbos. Klahr halacha. If it will be used on that Shabbos, there can be a heter for the gift giving.
It is prohibited to give a gift on Shabbos. Klahr halacha.
You can have a third party be zocheh the gift on behalf of the host before Shabbos
What does “zocheh a gift” mean?
זכין לאדם שלא בפניו
A talmid chochom should know that
Cant read those words.
Can we have those words transliterated?
zochin l’adam shelo b’fanav
Most people I know present the gift Erev Shabbos upon arriving at the hosts house or apartments am not sure why a text or email is not appropriate. I personally would not be offended by a text or email
I see Meno takes this stuff seiously!!!!!
Huh?
Huh?
!!!!!אי סי מנו טייקס דיס סטף סיריעסלי
Dy,
לולראדפ
Just give them a bottle of wine or some nice Whiskey or Scotch.
If money isnt an issue give them a decent bottle of wine and not something by “Kedem” or “Rashi”
We have gets most every shabbos meal, thank Gd. One of our regulars brings carmel popcorn and a couple of them bring soarkling grape juice, both kid friendly and commonly liked items. Most of our guests dont bring anything but will express their thanks when they leave and call for another invitation. That works for me.
When my own kids go out tjo, i try to send a candy/nut tray
My Mom z”l taught me to always take a gift when invited to someone’s home for a meal. I did so even as a teenager.
When my wife is home and we go out, we either take a bottle of wine or a tray of made-up goodies as a thank you.
When my wife is away (as she’s now in the States), I give her a list of where I’ve gone for Shabbat meals, and she brings back gifts that I take to the various families upon her return.
When people would eat by Avraham they would thank him. His response was dont thank me, thank HaShem.
What is wrong with a verbal thank you?
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