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When does one believe sensitive information ( ie. adoption, geirus, B’t) be “handed over” to the other side . within the first couple of dates or before the preliminary shidduch is even finalized.
At Sheva Brochos.
#HF please talk to your rabbi. If you do not have one call a recognized adom gadol.
hatzlacha and mazal
#HF I will add that if you wait till 7 brachos (as TLKY suggests) you might ruin your relationship. Even if you stay married, your spouse might never fully trust you for the REST of you life/marriage.
This question is halachik. I am glad to share along with the many others here, but you need to find out the halacha.
much bracha and hatzlacha
Mishpacha ran an article on this very recently. eiyin shom vedoik heitiv.
bt is probably readily apparent, and i don’t think it should be considered something ‘sensitive’
speak to a Rabbi, most things come out either over the course of dating, engagement or marriage, so anything one chooses to hide will eventually be known. its just a matter of how damaging that information will be after x amount of time. The other side is how painful and damaging it is to hide information from the person you are supposed to be sharing your life with
If someone withheld such information from me. I would be offended and outraged. There is basis for debate about how early to divulge such information, but without any question, it must be before the closing of the shidduch is inevitable. It is occasional that the omitting of information is an act of aggression. In cases such as the issues listed here, it is clearly aggressive, and there is NO halachic permission to do so.
The entire notion of keeping secrets is antithetical to the concept of marriage. Husbands and wives may not keep secrets from each other. If they do, they are in violation of their relationship. That accounts for money matters, family matters, even issues pertaining to job and social relationships. Ask any therapist with experience working with cases of marital difficulties. The secrets are usually one of the biggest issues. To begin a shidduch with hiding information is getting started on the WRONG foot. That must be avoided completely.
It happened to 2 of my relatives (one that had an issue and one that was dating someone with an issue). Both parties opened up on the 4th or 5th date and both sets of shidduchim worked out. I only know one of the issues, and being that it is really really personal, and they did not want this going around, they didnt even tell the shadchan.
If the two sides can communicate with each other, telling the shadchan might be unnecessary. In fact, shadchanim are not bound by a code of ethics (that is often obvious), and are thus not subject to a requirement of keeping information confidential (though that should be the case). If information is sensitive, I would hope to convey it to the other side without broadcasting it to the world via the shadchan.
It isextremely important to know whether or not they are traumatised from removing their shoes during their childhood, also one must reveal their YWNscreen name
AHH so the question is that one of your parents are a BT.
That is not the same as a major health issue. It is my impression that in many circles that is not an issue at all. In more heimish circles it is more of an issue.
It is fair to assume that anyone who is dating you knows about your background or, if they has wanted, could have found out with ease.
I would suggest mentioning it causally on the 4th or 5th date.
It is also worth talking over with a rabbinic figure.
No one who thinks they are the voice of reason would tell you how to act without knowing the details.
try to find a well rounded wiseman who has a lot of common sense. and possibly a rabbi if it is an issue that ppl are hung up on.
HATZLACHA
Is it not quite self-evident that “Sheva Brachos” was a joke? I am starting to realize how the most absurd slander against haredim does not seem to get questioned.
There are things that a husband and wife should not tell each other. Yes, some things are better not shared.
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