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So tonight I listened to a TorahAnytime shiur on dating and the shidduch expert said that girls should not ask to see a boy’s photo before going on a date. At all! Ever.
He said that women were created for beauty. Not men. Thus there is no reason why a girl should account for the boy’s physical appearance. He said that a girl determining whether or not she will go on a date based on his picture is a secular notion and unacceptable for JewIsh girls in shidduchim.
I contest! The photo can give more information than just his physical appearance. Granted I have gone on a date without seeing any photo before and that was okay.
But a photo can provide insight on his health and hygiene. Okay it doesn’t have to be chiyuv. But don’t judge a girl who wants to see the guy. Plus you don’t know. Maybe some girls have anxiety and seeing his pic is reassuring. They want to know that not just any stranger is walking up to them saying, “Hi, I’m Chaim.” Because what if that was just an opportunistic bochur and the real Chaim is stuck in traffic?
Maybe the shidduch expert was talking about super superficial girls who won’t date a guy who isn’t totally handsome. Are there girls like that? Maybe. I don’t know.
I just don’t think it’s always wrong to want to see a guy’s photograph. Maybe he is talking about the majority of cases where it wasn’t helpful.
Thank you ☺
It could be that it looking at the picture of a guy is sometimes silly because you can’t really learn so much about a person through a picture but if someone wants to see a picture what’s wrong with that? why can’t people be a little shallow? Furthermore if a girl doesn’t like the appearance of a guy then she should still marry him?!
“He said that a girl determining whether or not she will go on a date based on his picture is a secular notion and unacceptable for JewIsh girls in shidduchim.”
I think the statement is equally valid if you replace “girl(s)” with “boy(s)” and “she” with “he” and “his” with “her”.
A picture is not accurate. It is only 2-dimensional. It does not reveal the charm/grace and inner beauty that can make an otherwise plain person beautiful. It should not be used to decide if the girl is pretty enough to date. In terms of other info, I disagree that it can tell you anything about his health or hygiene. They guy could dress up all spiffy for the photo-op and in real life be a slob. And what does it mean to look healthy? He can look tanned and muscular from the shoulders up, but the picture misses that he can’t walk without a brace. Or has any other internal medical ailment. If you are anxious about meeting someone blindly, and that he might not really be Chaim, then have him meet you at third party’s house, or if meeting in a public place, get a detailed description of what he looks like.What’s the likelihood of such an opportunistic scenario? I think that’s a virtual impossibility.
And how many guys will offer a photo showing themselves looking sickly or badly dressed?
How dare you such a thing?!
(JK, your post wasn’t modded yet.)No, the right thing for a girl to do if she finds a guy unattractive is to waste his time going on a first date, maybe even a second date, then come up with some excuse to dump him without telling him he’s just ugly.
A photo can reveal whether a person knows how to pose for a photo, which is a skill.
I can’t believe someone on TorahAnytime would objectify women to the point of saying that they were “created for beauty”. If you want a woman for her looks, get a painting.
A guy can’t send a pic of Miss America.
A photo reveals much more than beauty. It may reveal things such as eyesight (coke bottle eyeglasses), clues to economic status (cheap suit?), hygiene (teeth and hair), religious sect (type of hat), etc.
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