Sample Seminary Essay

please dont post stuff like this thanks

A Rosh Yeshiva called me once to write an essay for his daughter in BJJ. I sat down with my massive library and tools and could not complete the assignment. It was so silly….When my own daughter went (she didn’t really ask me….), I told her in no uncertain terms that she will not get help from me !!! Absolutely ridicuolous. I was coined the phrase that we pay $15,000-$20,000 tuition for seminary “to teach our daughters about ???????”. Totally outrageous.

’31? You must be trolling us. You said she was going in ’33.

Also, you should really send your daughters to your own seminaries. It’s good for shidduchim, you know.

http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/coffeeroom/topic/how-important-is-seminary-for-shidduchim#post-533559

DaasYochid:

It should be ’32 (in this thread). Is that what you meant?

Here’s his timeline from the “BJJ class of 2033” thread:

Feb 2014

turns 18 in feb 2032

graduates high school in 2032

finishes seminary in 2033

patal avul assur – u sure that girl isnt a troll? who in the world talks like that?

If you don’t believe me, click on the link in her post. Also, I wasn’t only referring to the first post in that thread.

Again proving that only people with a P and and A in their name know math.

It’s got nothing to do with math, it has to do with me not knowing that the seminary situation is so redacted that most girls have to write silly essays so far in advance.

I didn’t know, because when you have enough $$, they don’t bother you to write essays, they’re only makpid that you know how to sign checks.

This was my seminary application essay:

To whom it may concern,

My name is Patur Aval Assur.

I am smart… but not too smart.

I am funny… but not too funny.

I am calm… but not too calm.

I am geshmak… but not too geshmak.

I am quiet… but not too quiet.

I am serious… but not too serious.

I am popular… but not too popular.

I am caring… but not too caring.

I am nice… but not too nice.

I am with it… but not too with it.

I am tzanua… but not too tzanua.

I am trendy… but not too trendy.

I am open minded… but not too open minded.

I am helpful… but not too helpful.

I was head of production… but not too much.

I was head of chessed… but not too much.

I was president of G.O…. but not too much.

I have given a lot of information about myself… but not too much.

A few days later, I realized that I had made a huge mistake. So I immediately emailed the following to the seminary:

To whom it my concern,

I apologize profusely for my mistake but it seems as if I accidentally sent you my shidduch profile instead of my application essay. Please tell me how I should proceed.

Sincerely,

Patur Aval Assur

They emailed me back:

Dear Patur,

No apology is necessary. It was an honest mistake and we get it all the time. What you sent us is more than enough for us to determine that you are exactly what we are looking for.

Fondly,

The Hanhala

Thank you, DaasYochid.

oh would you quit cackling like a bunch of hens!

I had been warned by my friends that they ask weird questions in the interview. So I prepared answers to all sorts of questions, such as “if you were an animal what would you be?”, “If you were a flower…”, If you were a drink…”, “If you were a car…”, etc.

But what they actually asked me was “If you were an element which one would you be?”

I was totally unprepared for that one. I started running through the periodic table in my mind but I couldn’t really think of an answer because my mind was occupied by the thought that if all girls had to be an element, shidduchim would be so much simpler – atomic number = dress size and atomic mass = weight.

The interviewer started losing patience so I just blurted out “Oxygen”.

But then I was asked to explain my choice. So I just said the first thing that popped into my mind:

“I want to be able to give life support to my husband.”

Needless to say, I was accepted on the spot.

I was actually the one interviewing popa.

First popa called me a Boron. So I asked her, if she thought so, why did she want to come to my Seminarium? She said because there were no good Seminariums in Americium. So I asked her why she didn’t apply to Bnos Sarah in Californium, and she said because she isn’t Lubavium.

I told her that I had to be Francium with her, that we couldn’t take a girl who was Sodium.

And I got the last laugh, because the application fee was a lot more than a Nickel.

I saw a friend of mine today and she looked like she had the weight of the world on her shoulders. So naturally I asked her what was bothering her. So she tells me that she’s going for her seminary interview on Monday and she’s freaking out. So I said “why ever so?” to which she responded that she heard some legends and she’s terrified of getting Popa as her interviewer. (I immediately thought to tell her to read http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/coffeeroom/topic/im-afraid-it-will-be-popa but I didn’t, for two reasons. 1) She happens to be on the rotund end of the spectrum and would probably get insulted if she read that thread. 2) It was unclear to me whether she had actually read this thread or whether she had just heard legends from someone else; I have a shtickle raya that she did not read this thread – in this thread DaasYochid interviewed Popa but we don’t find that Popa interviewed anyone. But I couldn’t be sure that she hadn’t read it and I knew that I wanted to post about her and I was afraid that if I told her to read that other thread, she might also read this thread and realize that I’m talking about her.)

So I told her “you can’t go through life always being afraid of meeting Popa. For all you know I might be Popa.” Let me tell you, that REALLY freaked her out.

Careful examination of my post may reveal the double line-gap technique.

Turns out I had already insulted Popa’s math skills several months earlier:

http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/coffeeroom/topic/good-jokes/page/33#post-536673

PAA – how exactly were you G.O President “not too much”? 😉

To maximize you’re chances at BJJ, you should demonstrate broad knowledge on the subject of hidden haskalic tendencies of accepted rabbinic authorities.

It’s actually a geshmak dissertation (though I haven’t finished it yet so this comment is subject to change).

Yes well…..that made a lot of sense too 🙂

Head of production, chessed, G.O…..no wonder you were accepted into Bnos Sarah, BJJ, Michlalah etc!!!

Whoops, I mean – you’re funny, but not too funny…