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Is it true that when a Shidduch that has real potential for the boy and girl to grow together and reach shleimus in marriage-when they end up marrying-is suggested, or in the works, or even has the potential to be bought together; that the Yetzer Hara/Satan will try to get in the way and do anything to stop it? (Ie. in the form of people, discouragement, lack of Emunah, etc.)
If thats the case, what can we do to recognize that? And overcome these obstacles?
three simple words… daven, daven, daven
Discuss dates with an objective married mentor whom you respect. And listen to your gut.
what if your gut is wrong?
hashem is pulling the strings up there
dont interefere
you do your best
and hashem will do the rest!
hey im a poet and i didnt even know it!
Be very careful who you discuss your dates with. A “friend” of mine from seminary once heard I was seeing someone. She called me and asked if he is as “nerdy” as his brother is. The person I was seeing was a very special person, but I was having some issues with attraction. That set me over the edge and definately affected my perception and response.
I had not even told anyone I was seeing him, but his brother’s wife apparently must have called for a recommendation and this was the result of that.
So, for person “dating”, be careful who you tell (and talk to) and for the people/family checking, be careful who you ask. A “talker” can ruin a shidduch.
photogenic, I haven’t heard of such a concept, but I’m sure it has some basis. But I would say that anything really great in life (which includes finding your spouse) doesn’t come easy, and the reason for that is because we then appreciate it more when we finally DO get it. Something that comes really easy we generally don’t appreciate as much. So whether or not the yezter hara/ satan is the culprit for the “obstacles” in the way, we should try to look at these obstacles as a means of helping us gain more appreciation for what we are working so hard for. Then, the obstacles will become building blocks for a meaningful relationship, G-d willing!
Wishing you all the best.
Whatever happens is all bashert!! Daven and have faith!!!
You will not nes end up with who you want but, who you need will inevitably be the one you will eventaully really want!!!
Hashem knows whats best for you, so leave it up to him!!!!
There is a master plan for everything that happens in this world
You don’t want someone who doesn’t want you! You want someone that will appreciate YOU for who YOU are!!! be yourself, You want someone tht you would be able to feel you can be yourself with without putting on any artificial airs to be accepted by the person, you have to be eqaully compatible on all levels…
Don’t fret from rejection, its all part of the master plan… Trust me!!
If someone has trouble with feeling attraction and the mere words from another person (i.e. asking about nerdiness) evokes an image sufficient to tip the scales against him, then you were not interested in the boy. If you really had liked him for being so special, nothing any friend said to you would have altered that perception. I hope you told your friend to mind her own business. Being nerdy is not a crime, and she should not have spoken L”H to you.
Rabbi Wallserstein spoke about this issue in his latest shiur you can checkit out on torahanytime.com
Oomis
Good point
photogenic, the yetzer horah will rear his ugly head any opportunity he has. That said, understand that the dating process is supposed to a private issue. The less you discuss with others and the more you keep it “private” the more successful it is. Friend don’t mean to mix you up and steer you in the wrong direction, they just can’t help themselves. They mean well, but somehow they don’t realize that what they say even as a joke has way too much intention and meaning to the person who is dating. For instance, when my daughter was dating her married friends kept telling her how head over heels in-love they were with their husbands and my daughter just didn’t feel that way. She was so confused she was almost ready to give up on her date/boyfriend/shidduch. She claimed he was way ahead of her. When she finally spoke to me, her stupid mother, I finally had the opportunity to tell her that speaking to her friends was throwing her off. Of course they were so in love with their “husbands” that they hear bells and whistles go off and see fireworks. Thats because they are already married and they have established a relationship where they each do for the other. But when they got engaged they were just very much in “like” with their chosson. That was a big difference that they forgot to mention to you. Love comes after the engagement when you spend more time together and you start doing things for each other; and you get to see each other’s generosity, compassion, warmth, kindness, etc. All the amazing qualities that you use for each other’s benefit. That’s how love grows.
On the other hand, her single friends didn’t realize that subconsciously they were also ruining her relationships with the “nerd” factor and other comments they were making because they were subconsciously sabotaging her because they wanted to get married first.
Once she realized that she should have chosen one person to speak to like her mother, or a teacher who was married and could listen without being in “la la land” but truly listen to what she was thinking and feeling, she allowed herself to relax and get in touch with her own thoughts and emotions. Those that had nothing to do with what her friends told her to feel and expect. It didn’t take her long to realize that she was actually on the same page as what turned out to be her husband.
I am truly amazed at the way Hashem works! I am currently dating now and everything is going so well BH but i feel like i have that yetzer hara that is trying to discourage me (for no reason). There is nothing that I don’t like…. and im attracted to the guy so there isn’t any reason I should be feeling that way. And so I asked Hashem to send me a sign as to what I should do… and then i sign on onto the CR and read this! Unbelievable! This is seriously an answer to my question!
I second what MiddlePath says!
Few shidduchim that I know of went through smoothly without a hitch. Most have some sort of roadblock somewhere. It could be an unwillingness to go out, no emotional connection, parents issue, something he/she said, the list goes on and on. The point is, have a Rav and/or a professional shadchan that knows you to guide you.
I also agree with Middle Path. (You see, MP, you should stick around!!)
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