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so I went out last night on a first date with a guy and he took me to a restaurant!! Like, hello, don’t you know not to do that until maybe like 3rd or 4th date?? it was so embarrassing! and it was in brooklyn so I thought I’d forsure know someone there! I was terrified the whole time. of course I just smiled and pretended everything was fine cuz i finally got a date, but i told the shadchan that was NOT OK.
did this ever happen to u? i really need to know cuz i don’t know what to say if we should continue dating or not!I don’t think you are mature enough to get married
So last night was Wednesday night so it is more likely than not that he didn’t take you out for cholent to show you off to his chevrusah. Be careful what you wish for since the next guy may take you to a 7-11 for a slurpee.
It is ok.
I would give four scenarios, please let us know if one fits.
1. He assumed that you just came home from work and was hungry. Keep him, he’s a nice guy!
2. He comes from a wealthy family and doesn’t mind splurging on a first date. Sounds good!
3. He’s a new dater and doesn’t know the rules. Not a reason to say no.
4 He’s not so yeshivish and doesn’t care about yeshivishe dating rules. That decision is yours!
Keep us updated! Pun intended!Milchig or fleishig?
What did you order?
What did he order?
Did he leave a big tip?There are too many details missing from this story to answer your question.
“Cuz I finally got a date”…You are 22. You didn’t “finally get a date”, you just “had a date”.
Also, to think that a guy would actually spend money on a first date, and take you out to a restaurant, isn’t something that needs to wait for a third or fourth date, contrary to whatever false information someone is putting in your head.
If a guy wants to go somewhere nice, why would you turn that down?
And if someone you know actually sees you on a date, and you get embarrassed to be seen with that person…then you shouldn’t be dating him.
Dating isn’t embarrassing, it’s called being an adult.There’s nothing wrong with going to a restaurant, but both should have some input in the decision.
Your outrage is duly noted. I don’t know who makes the rules up about where one goes on a first, second or eleventh date. And I certainly don’t understand your outrage. Please explain it. As to being 22 and single, my honest advice is get a job, work for a few years, save some $$ and then consider ‘dating’. You have a lot of growing up to do. If you got married this week it would be reasonable to expect you would be a mother within your first year of marriage. That thought is frightening to me, considering how shallow you are.
I was terrified the whole time. of course I just smiled and pretended everything was fine cuz i finally got a date,
I wonder why
30 year ago this was normal.
I liked to take girls to restaurants. Table manners are important to me.
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“it was so embarrassing! and it was in brooklyn so I thought I’d forsure know someone there! I was terrified the whole time.”
” im already 22 so people consider me an older single”You are too concerned about what people say/think about you.
Do you want a relationship with a young man or a supposed societal image?
Right now, you seem to prefer the image thing (which may all in your mind).I agree with your sentiment but at 22 you don’t have the luxury to be so choosy. If that is the only big problem you have from the date, then I think it’s worth trying it again.
I’m sorry for the misunderstanding. You looked famished so I switched the GPS from the park to the restaurant. I didn’t realize you’re anorexic until I saw your order at the eatery. Next time we’re going to the lobby and we’ll get soda.
I do agree with some of the answers. I don’t think it unusual that you are surprised by a guy doing something out of the ordinary in your circles. I think it’s a incredible that some very “mature” people are being nasty to you for absolutely no reason. And I’m sure they all would be ashamed to talk like that in person. But it’s ok to be extremely nasty (unjustifiably ) over the internet.
I think you are new here, let me explain. The “nasty” is not directed at the complaint, it is a special tone reserved for troll posts and their posters.
It is so funny that I am reading this because I went on a first date with a girl from Brooklyn last night, and I also took her to a restaurant! Now I did it because I figured it was possible that maybe my date wanted something to eat, and also because it was out of Flatbush (where she is from) so I figured it wasn’t such a big deal. I don’t typically do first dates in hotels, so that is why I picked the place I picked. It would be so funny if you are the girl I went out with (or not funny lol).
MDG,
Thanks for wording what I was trying to say so eloquently
Did you like him? Part of being mature is realizing that you are looking for your shidduch. You aren’t in school. The guy should have known not to take you to a restaurant where you live/might bump into people.
What exactly is wrong?
I guess I’m missing something rather fundamental. What is wrong if some of your friends see you out on a date?? Isn’t that better than their thinking you are sitting at home with no prospects? Are you worried that the same bochur might also be dating other girls in your town?
“30 year ago this was normal.”
Ha! 30 years ago this August I went out with the young lady who became my wife. She lived in Flatbush. We went out, on our first date, to Bernstein’s. (I didn’t live in NY, and that was the only place I knew.) It was a Monday night, so the place was empty. Afterwards we went over to South Street Seaport and sat and talked until some early hour of the morning. We were married the following June, and still B”H married 29+ years.
The moral of the story: there’s nothing wrong with going to a restaurant on the first date.
It is the proper tzniusdik thing to take steps to avoid being seen with your date by acquaintances.
Amil Zola
As to being 22 and single, my honest advice is get a job, work for a few years, save some $$ and then consider ‘dating’.
In regards to this .message of yours. In yiddishkeit everyone knows that no matter how poor C”V a person. Money should never hold back a person from getting married.
Faith in Hashem regarding livlihood or any issue for that matter is for a totally different chat a different time
I hope the assistant teaching job you have is in lumidei kodesh, and I hope your parents are very wealthy.
Otherwise, your English skills are so poor that I doubt that you would be able to support a learning boy for very long.Good luck supporting your husband on an assistant teacher’s salary.
You hope to support your husband in learning as an assistant teacher?
I think you should switch the last 2 statements. It should say something like: My parents will support my husband in learning, and my job as an assistant teacher will help out a little (with a heavy emphasis on the little)Constructive criticism vs. being mean.
Some of you are just mean.more likely a bored teenage male making fun of the shidduch system and for some mind boggling reason there are sane posters buying in to it.
Suspected as much but wanted a go for the laughs
takahmamash: the unwritten rule back then was not to go to “Shmulks” or “Weiss’s” in Brooklyn on a first date.
devny: all I wanted was advice on what to say to the shadchan. The truth. Just like you told us. I was not expecting to be taken to a restaurant, i was taken aback as I was not used to this. I may have not been at my best because of this.
He should have clarified to you when you got into his car that he planned on taking you to a restaurant. It isn’t something to cancel a shidduch over.
Joseph,
“It is the proper tzniusdik thing to take steps to avoid being seen with your date by acquaintances.”
Why?
good point, im not a regular by girl, im a bas melech! and every bas melech is a diamond, as my sem teacher said. thanks for the confidence booster!! 🙂
There’s your problem. You’re a diamond! Your place is not to be dating these types of guys and become a kallah. Your place is on a kallah’s finger.
adocs: Because a guy and girl going out together isn’t something others should know (unless for tachlis), let alone see, since even though it is for tachlis of potential marriage and as such permitted, it isn’t for the world to know since it isn’t tznius outside of potential marriage.
Joseph, I don’t understand why it’s OK to be seen in a hotel lobby but not in a restaurant. People go to restaurants to eat. People go to hotels for a variety of reasons, some of which are less innocent than eating.
Maybe it’s the” like…hellooo!!!!”! I’m like THANK YOU THAT WAS DELICIOUS
LAmother, could your translate that into non-teen speak?
Certainly, YehudaYona.
Devny’s reaction to being taken to a restaurant was, “like, hello?”
AMother was pointing out that a more appropriate reaction would have been, “Thank you, that was delicious”.I wonder if this man drove in a vehicle alone with the woman in question after dark. Please note the pronouns I’ve used, man, woman. That’s because I believe that boys and girls are a bit too immature to consider marriage. I accept that there are those who would beg to differ.
Anil: What are you implying about referring to after dark?
Anil: When I was single, I used to resent the women who opined that a man should wait until he’s, say, 24, before getting married. I was suffering as a single. Furthermore, Chazal say “ben sheminag esray lichupah.” Are we going to push up the year for a bar mitzvah too, because “today’s boys are less mature?”
motchah11: Please clarify the point you are attempting to make. Are you criticizing my use of pronouns? Certainly feel free to call the female a girl if it makes you feel any better and the male a boy. I just find it rather stupid and inaccurate.
Jos: I find among many frum, an unrelated woman and man alone in a motor vehicle after dark is frowned upon
Let the young man and young woman communicate normally and mutually decide where they want to go on their first date and ignore all this meshugaas about who might see them and whether they have drinks, eat a full sedudah or simply walk around Central Park Lake . No wonder the younger generation is becoming so stressed out with all these well-meaning shadchanim, parents, prospective future in-laws and most importantly YWN CR baalabatim providing musar about something incredibly important but personal to them only.
It’s amazing to me that people are still responding seriously to someone who was exposed a troll (if it wasn’t obvious enough on its own…).
Amil, the frum (and even the very frum) don’t differentiate before dark or after dark, regarding this, any more than the non-frum. Unless, perhaps, the darkness is a hindrance to the couple’s being seen whereas that isn’t the case in daytime.
Motchah’s point was to not try to push people into waiting to get married (even for the reason you cited.)
DY: I don’t think anyone is responding to the clown who posted the original question..after the third of fourth post, .it has morphed into a generic exchange on first date protocols.
Maybe you’re on a different thread
If I were looking for a wife (I’m not, I’m happily married over 25 years), I would have no problem taking a woman to a restaurant for a first date.
I guess it’s just because I’m an unrefined boor.
The Wolf
A man and woman together alone in a car at night on an empty street could be a prob of yichud, if the street is not empty or its day it’s not a problem
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