YOU can Resolve the Shidduch Crisis

The bottom line is – YOU can Resolve the Shidduch Crisis! Yes, you! If everyone takes it upon themselves to take a few minutes a day to try to suggest a shidduch – it will help tremendously. Never underestimate your own shadchan skills. Most shidduchim are made by relatives & friends. Make this your kabbala for the new year. You can do it as a z’chus, as it is a huge z’chus!!

…except when you’re wrong!

… except now.

Joseph: I’m all for reinstating polygamy. I’ve been trying to get people to listen to me for years.

Goody 613: Please explain how arranged marriages will alleviate the problem of their being more girls in the dating pool than boys. As the Letter form over 70 Roshei Yeshiva states, the problem is a result of having more girls in the available pool than boys, which is directly is caused by AGE GAP.

Ronrsr: See what was just written. Having more than 10% of girls never getting married is at the very least a crisis. If you have time do some research on HS and their alumni. The data of alumni still single at 30 and above should make anyone shriek. (The boys have less than 2% single after 5 yrs of dating).

Mybat: This problem is not limited to the yeshvish community in the slightest. One difference in the Yeshiva community is that they typically larger families and thus age gap creates a higher discrepancy of numbers.

AZ:?

Joseph: There are obvious benefits to polygamy.

First, there’s the obvious that we will be able to get by with fewer boys instead of needing equal numbers.

Second, I’m not sure men are designed to be monogamous. This will give them some variety within the bounds of halacha.

Third, and my favorite reason, “You want dinner? Go bother your other wife.”

Maybe the problem is that the girls are too accomplished for their age and any guy they go out with will not be smarter, more succesful, more religious, etc. So how is a guy going to marry a girl that is “better” than him and how is a girl going to marry a guy who is “less” than her?

Just a thought…..

I think mybat is touching on a major source of the “shidduch crisis”. Namely, girls going for a higher education and neglecting shidduchim in the interim. They are both delaying their marriage and over-educating themselves and effectively (in the real shidduch world) making themselves less attractive as such. A female PhD. will have eliminated a major portion of Bnei Torah from considering her, G-d forbid leaving her with the shrayim.

Is it possible that, for the most part, our single people are just going through the motions of shidduchin, but for whatever reason, have been influenced by the goyish world or other factors, and do not want to marry? And a good portion of those who do not want to marry, but marry anyway due to pressures; are getting divorced?

Well, someone told me that they tried to introduce a girl that is 30 to a religious guy, but she didn’t want to go out because he’s not a kollel boy…..I was like what???

Excellent points.

Once the out-of-town girls move to other cities to further their education in order to “support their talmid chacham” they assume an aura of superiority and feel they are Hashem’s gift to mankind. Many boys aren’t as special, and certainly wouldn’t want to take away Hashem’s gift to mankind from the rest of society!! So, they take a pass on her.

Cherrybim: Most of the divorces/disaster stories we are seeing in the past three years are directly linked to girls and their families settling for the bottom-of-the-barrel families, out of fear of becoming a “statistic”. So, yes those who married from the pressure are getting divorced at higher rates.

Also…

I’m writing this very vaguely, but try to understand. More boys went through very difficult circumstances and have therefore spent time vacilating in frumkeit, and many have lost the interest in marriage and staying married. The loss of so many boys from the potential pool is the “direct” cause of the shidduch “crisis”. Deny it all you want but it’s the sad reality of our times.

artchill, why do you assume that women who move out of town to further their education consider themselves superior to others? I know many women who’ve moved from smaller cities (such as Chicago, Cleveland, or cities with smaller Jewish communities) to the NTC area. Most of them moved for both educational/ job reasons & for shidduch purposes. The women I’ve met don’t have a superior attitude about this. Apparently your experiences are different.

I only mentioned the fact that many women move for shidduch purposes (especially if they are older than the average single), so your 2% data point may be artificially low (what is your source for this, by the way?)

False. Funny you say that. I am actually quite friendly with them and from the data on girls schools alumni it seems to be higher. Would you please clarify when and who made the comment that 10% is an exaggeration. What they have said is that the community needs to be awakened out of their slumber and realize the tragedy – even if it means publicizing the numbers and thus scaring people……..

P.S. I am very happy you made $12 million in a business venture. You should have much hatzlacha further.

I have the greatest sympathy for people who wish to be married and can not marry, due to a shortage of the opposite sex.

But, this doesn’t sound like that problem. This sounds like a question of either 1) changing standards on the part of the young women (they wish to marry “white collar” workers); or 2) We have a generation where there are many more accomplished girls than the previous generation.

Will our making more shidduchim help the problem? If there si still a shortage of spouses that meet expectations, then making a shidduch will only take one boy out of the boy pool, and one girl out of the girl pool, still leaving us with the initial problem.

Is the problem, really, that we have honored the kollel boys too much, and the working boys too little? Have we passed this attitude on to our daughers? There is nothing ignoble or unholy about honest manual labor. After all, if your toilet is backed up,

who do you call? The rabbi, or the plumber?

A more realistic solution would be to match girls with higher expectations with charming and hardworking boys, so they can see that such a match may be for them.

AZ, I’m with you all the way. I just don’t post because I have nothing to add to what you say.

It bothers me immensely the way the people in the coffee room don’t take what you’re saying seriously and I have no explanation for it, since in real life, most people that I know do believe in the age gap problem.

What’s interesting is that the same people here who post in other contexts, “How dare we question the gedolim” and the like, are still mocking you after the letter with all the signatures.

AZ, I do agree that the age gap is a significant issue. However, I have observed that among my classmates who married young (age 20 or younger), most of them married men several years older. My classmates who married when they were older–around age 24-27–married men who were only slightly older or younger than they were. One classmate married at age 27, to a man 5 years younger. Have you observed this phenomenon in your research?

AZ:

People who deal with REAL problems caused by fallout of the AGE GAP “Crisis”, are far less sympathetic to the awareness raised by a young, idealistic spokesperson. Perhaps, when you meet the victims of the AGE GAP “Crisis” campaign, you’ll see that sowing fear or raising awareness (call it what you want) caused far more harm than good. I am an idealist too, which is why so many heartbroken people end up on my doorstep. The negative fallout of the NASI campaign will be felt for many years down the road.

I have the utmost respect for your idealism. There are many good causes in Queens and Long Island to get involved in, you could make a difference. Put your kochos into worthwhile causes.

what is NASI?

AZ:

You win.

You are so gifted and talented.

I totally agree with you.

The shidduch crisis IS caused by the AGED GRAPE issue. Too many people are drunk and fall into the bottom of the barrel.

I don’t know if the age thing is the reason or not; my personal feeling is that it’s not.

And even if age is the prime factor; since we’re not going to change human nature, let’s not waste precious time and resources running up that road. Obviously, men and woman are not willing to settle and will continue searching for that non existent gold at the end of the rainbow, until it’s too late.

So why the age gap in the frum world now? Formalized Shidduchin.

Young frum people used to meet each other in informal settings and the age difference was minimal, or it didn’t make much difference since there was the hormonal factor.

And yes, many of today’s Rabbanim and Rebbitzens met this way too years ago; they would like to forget but I was there (Thirteenth Ave, on Friday night and Fourteenth Ave, Shabbos afternoon).

However, now we think that we can order what we want for shidduchin. Yes, that works if you have real yeshivish yichus or money; no age gap crisis there. But, for the “hamon am”: Get Real and don’t waste your time.

My advice: Marry any person who is a true Yiras Shamayim and that’s it! If you can do that, you’ve won and the rest is window dressing.

bein_hasdorim:

Shaindel has a point, bec. outside of the handful of big name, highly successful, Shadchanim, and there certainly arent enough of them, others toil endless hours and get absolutely nothing for it, even when a relationship goes on for many dates, and then realize they can no longer invest the required time and effort.

AZ: “Suggestion: After three dates each side should give $150 and %50 per date for each further date. If they end up getting engaged a additional gift would be appropriate.”

How about: Nothing now, and $5,000-$10,000 after three years of marriage (held in Escrow). This way the shadchanim receive what they deserve and the candi-dates are seriously considered.

bein_hasdorim – What? UNDERPAID? YES!!! Underpaid!!! Most shidduchim – even the ones that work – require so much work, that if you do the math – the shadchan is getting paid below minimum wage for his efforts. Forget about the ones that the shadchan spent hundreds of hours working on & didn’t work….. I’d like to ask you – which state are you from?