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One should never interfere with choices your kids make between them when they are married.
However, to what extent should you remain silent EVEN if you know that they are doing something wrong?
Please share your thoughts and perhaps give some examples.
How do we keep a good connection with our married kids and at the same time control our desire to ‘improve’ their ways?
You ask a very important and pertinent question. It’s very hard for us to watch our kids make their mistakes, as they inevitably must (as we did before them). But unless it is life threatening or dangerous in some other way to their well-being, parents should let their kids find their own way UNLESS asked for their input. Just as we did not want our own parents interfering, our kids feel the same way. Kids who respect their parents’ wisdom and experience will ask for advice if they need it. It is for THEM to “improve their ways” not for us to do it for them.
It’s so hard to bite our lips and refrain from comment when we see what we “know” is a big mistake on their parts. Even when we might be right (purchasing a house that is a bad deal, making a bad shidduch, buying poorly made furniture, etc.)we have to be very careful how we word our comments, so they will not be resistant to hearing what we have to say.
It’s hard to say without knowing what you mean by “doing something wrong”. Does “wrong” mean mistreating the children, or does it mean sending the children to a school you don’t like? There’s very little that you can or should bring up with an adult child. You don’t have to stay silent, but if you do speak up, it must be within the context of giving advice- which your child may feel free to disregard. You cannot and should not tell your married kids how to live their lives. You can give them your opinion, phrased respectfully, and with full acknowledgment that they may ignore it. It’s hard to hear, but it’s all you can do.
There are many times when WE are so sure THEY are making a mistake and yet in the end, their choices turn out just fine. It just happens to be a totally different choice than what we would have chosen for ourselves.
If THEY are discussing the issue with you, then you can offer a suggestion in the form of “may I offer a suggestion?” and then offer it in a such a way “you might consider …….” If you push an idea or tell them they are wrong they will most likely tune you out.
In the event that they make a bad decision and it turns out badly be careful not to sing the I told you song or the “you should have asked me song”. The last thing they want to hear is that you are smarter than they are. The best thing you can do is be supportive and say ” everyone makes mistakes, that’s how we learn. Where do you go from here?
I have thought this over quite extensively. If and when they are in the process of making some grave mistake, like selling their house to invest in options or futures, I would get involved, preferrably by someone from outside. My first son-in-law takes advice from me infrequently on business matters, although his father is the succesful businessman and his uncle as well, and I don’t think he asks them, although I personally asked his uncle about something. My hunch is that he knows that he doesn’t have to do what I say, and I don’t take not listening to me personally. he asked me a few times about investing in futures, and proven methods for winning. I told him it’s all a bunch of …, he said he had a friend who took a class in a specific “no risk” trading method and asked if I would like to join him, I told him, I wouldn’t mind, but I’m firm on my beliefs. He asked me about getting a credit card, after they got married, and I told him I thought it wasn’t a good idea for a young couple. He decided he wanted to get one, and asked me how to convince the bank to give him one, which I did. I think they are only using a debit card now.
Let me know what you think. I’ll try to write some more.
It should NEVER come from the parents. If a married child does wrong, then the parents can send a third party to speak to the child.
If YOU are the one paying their living expenses and they make a costly mistake which YOU will have to pay to bail them out of. By all means let them know.
If THEY pay their bills and they make a costly mistake. If they ask for your input, by all means give them your honest opinion. If they don’t ask, you shouldn’t tell.
If you disagree and think that they are mistaken with where they daven, send their kids to school, go on vacation, etc. These issues are NOT costly mistakes for you to have an opinion to offer.
I’m not in that stage yet, but what I try to do is explain to my kids how I / Mrs arrive at decisions, so they at least see what goes in to making a choice.
But I can only imagine how I’ll struggle with not butting in to their lives.
Obviously it has to be done with sechel but the fact that the parent wants to get involved shows that they love the child. You give advice to people you care about and want the best for. People have to stop being so sensitive. If you don’t want to listen to your parents advice, that’s your prerogative. But rather than be upset, appreciate their care and concern.
Hopefully one should know their children well enough to know when they are overstepping their boundary.
Setting that aside- it all depends on the situation.
I think what it comes down to is if the person knows that what they are doing is wrong. When my in-laws came to visit shortly after we moved nearby my father-in-law pointed out that a mezuza or two was in the wrong place. Of course I’m happy he pointed it out. After spending close to $100 on each mezuza I might as well have each one in the right place.
On the other hand if I didn’t go to shul in the morning and my father-in-law would say something I’d probably feel differently.
Dr pepper- mezuzos in the worng place isok to say! The parent is allowed to point out something which the son/daughter obviously doesn’t know or realize.
But when the child knows what he’s doing(like not going to shul, or even wearing a blue shirt instead of white:)….) Then it is SO WRONG for the parent to tell something.
I’ve had my experiences when my hubs or my parents pointed out certain(real dumb) things and what should I tell you…it didn’t do too good.
If you marry off your child, you gotta trust him/her that they know how to go about their own lives. Even if they don’t do 100% as you want.
smartcookie-
I stand corrected. I wasn’t considering the case where there is nothing wrong but the parents might not approve (i.e. blue shirts).
When a child marries, he or she is now in charge of his or her own life, with the spouse’s input. Kids will not always do what we want, but what we want may not always be what they need.
The WAY in which advice is conveyed is crucial. We did not want our parents to tell us how to run our lives when we became adults, and neither do our children. OTOH, kids who want to be independent, should not be expecting handouts from parents every two minutes.
I like Artchill’s approach.
Kibud Av V’Eim is no less a mitzvah rabbah after marriage, then it was before marriage.
It is one of the 10 commandments.
Apparently, the mods and I disagree on what the Aseres HaDibros actually are and what the words actually mean. 🙂
The Wolf
We don’t disagree with what the translation of “dibros” is. 🙂
“Kibud Av V’Eim is no less a mitzvah rabbah after marriage, then it was before marriage”
Except when it interferes with shalom Bayis between husband and wife, no? A husbna’d chiyuv, according to the Torah Shebicsav,is to leave his parents’ home and cleave to his wife. That means that when he builds a new home with his wife, SHE is his priority. yes he still has to be mechabeid his parents, but not when the choice is between their wishes and his wife’s. (obviously we are talking about reasonable people, not crazy demands made by irrational wives or overly-demanding parents).
No, according to the Torah and halacha, Kibud Av V’Eim comes first for the husband. If his mother and his wife ask for a drink, he needs to get it for his mother first. For the wife, she needs to get it for her husband first.
If parents ask their son to come over to do something at their home, and his wife needs him at home, he is supposed to stay home. Either that or my kallah teacher was a liar.
And Max,what you are talking about is when the parents and wife are together and ALL need the same thing. The wife ALSO has the obligation of Kibud Av towards her in-laws. It’s not exactly the same thing as listening to their advice versus hers.
There needs to be a balance. When a child gets married he or she needs to have some level of independence. When your married child does something dumb with money you can offer advice but your child is now an adult and has the right to make choices, even if you think they are dumb.
It can be hard, if for example my child were to go and want to borrow a $25,000 to buy a car or start a business I would very much object. But as long as they didn’t ask me to co-sign the loan I would comment once “I don’t think that is the best idea, here is why…” and then let it rest.
Being an adult means having the right to screw up, and as parents we have to let our children grow up.
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