Regretting doing the shidduch

You should keep in mind that this was Bashert. There is nothing you can do!

Hopefully, your daughter will live a very happy life, but in the event that it turns out differently, you should know that was also Bashert.

Besides, that if you have other children, you will anyway have some DIL/SIL you will love everything about them, and others that you might be disappointed with.

As long as you’re daughter is happy, you should definitely be happy!

Purple:

While its okay to ask here how cope with this situation, do NOT accept advice from this forum as far as what to do about the shidduch itself. You should speak to a big Rov about that, and not anonymous people here who don’t know the nitty gritty details. Even personal friends who do know more of the details is not wise to follow advice before taking serious action that can harm you, your daughter, and your and her relationships. Speak to a Rov.

You got married already, its your daughters turn.

If she is old enough to get married she is old enough to choose a husband, and she did.

I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, but its really not about you.

I have to disagree with most on this board. If you have feelings of regret there is a reason for them. (I’m assuming they’re not based on shallow things, like this is the first boy, how does she know whats out there? type of thing…or we wanted real money and this guy is from a family of mechanchim) . the RBS”O doesn’t make us feel this way for nothing. Speak it out to a Rav who knows you and can sense what your issues are, if they are valid it may be important to act on your feelings. You know your daughter well, probably better than she knows herself, and if you feel ill at ease, look deep into those reasons and seriously ask yourself if they are important. If what bothers you is a pgam in his middos, I would verify it with his Rebbe, and act upon it, very rarely can people change, and the little things you (really meaning your daughter) notice now become magnified as life unfolds. MOST IMPORTANTly, AND I KNOW THIS WORKS>>> DAVEN FOR CLARITY!! in a way you have never davened before. i teach preschool for many years and can say with almost certainty, that when a conflict arises between a parent and child and the parent does not know how to handle it, its usually because of a middah that the child possesses that is foreign to that parent (meaning it came from “the other side” . I tell Kallahs the reason its important to look at the boy’s family, and to look at the silblings, is to see if they possess middos that you can respect and identify with, because even if the chosson does not have those shortcomings, it will most likely come out in the children. And it causes alot of pain and heartache. I don;t know what your issues are, I just know usually if you feel something is wrong it probably is… Get help soon so as not to make this worse down the road. and at the very least, keep dialogue open with your daughter, listen to her as she talks about her chosson. maybe she knows him in a way you dont. or maybe she just really needs a reality check. My shitta is that you are the parent, and you don;t stop parenting until C”V one of you leaves this earth! Hatzlacha Raba..

Stay far away from it, lady.

You need to tighten up your act. Do your michutanim know that you’re discussing this on a blog?

I mean why even bring it up here in the first place?

Why don’t you like him, be more specific.

ex. too big, too fat, too rude, arrogant, not learned.

too much beer, too much tv. too much video games. what is it

that you don’t like about him

As a father you have the right to say NO!.

and show you daughter things that she can’t see.

walk her out of it.

The truth is … she will be married to him not you.

But a parent knows better whats best for their children. Kids are easy to fool, and somewhat naive.

Bottom line.

Do what is in the best interest of your child and not whats best for you.

I agree with other posters in this forum- if there is a reason to be concerned then you have a valid excuse to be worried, but just because there were other better suggestions that doesn’t make sense. Your daughter has to find her happiness in her husband- not you! If she is happy with who her chosson is why should she consider someone that you like but she doesn’t- does that make sense to you? B’hatzlacha!

Sorry – I clicked “post” too fast.

What is it that you regret? There were better looking boys? More money? Yichus? More “wow factor” that the neighbors would be impressed with?

If its any of these, forget it. If its something fundamental like a middos flaw, that bears some looking at, but at this point, it should be looked at by your daas torah, so you know its objective.

Your post is very confusing and it does not reflect well on your own sense of confidence. You say you regret saying “NO” to better prospects and saying “yes” to this shidduch. Why did this prospect seem better at the time, and why did you turn those down at the time? Is it really this young man that you don’t like or are you suddenly in a panic about losing your daughter?

Is this your first child getting married? Is this your first experience with shidduchim? It sounds like it or at least your first experience with a daughter. Sosme of the posters assume you are the mother and some assume your are the father. I am not going to make an assumption other than you are getting cold feet and you really need to take a step back and take a deep breath. Is your daughter happy? That should be your main concern. This really isn’t about making you happy it is all about your daughter and her right to be happy and fullfilled. If she is happy you should be too. You should not feel a need or a right to control her or even the wedding plans, you had your chance when it was you who was getting married. Now it is your daughter’s turn to plan her own wedding along with her chosson. I am quite sure she has dreamt about this day for a long time. You probably have as well, but they are the King and Queen and what they want are the priority right now as long as it is within reason and within the budget both sets of parents set.

So unless there is something wrong with this chosson that will pose a physical or emotional threat to your daughter, you should really take a step back and take a good hard look at what is going on with you and why you feel this way. You might even need a Rav or a therapist to talk to in order to work out your feelings and have someone to vent to so you don’t cause any damage to your relationship with your daughter and future son-in-law. This is a very emotional time for all of you and there are going to be lots of different feelings and emotions that are going to come to the surface. There will be happy feelings as well as sadness. There will be nervousness, and doubts as well as eagerness and excitement. Weddings bring about all kinds of emotions as well as anxiety and some craziness. So find someone that will help you through this sea of emotions so that you can participate and enjoy your daughter’s happiness.

http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/coffeeroom/topic/primary-cause-for-frum-divorces-revisited-1

Buyer’s remorse. My relative who married off 14 kids had it after every single shidduch. Solution: Emunah and Bitachon.