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What are the red flags and bad things to watch out for????
Is there a general rule for everyone or is it more individual???
If he is cheap and doesn’t tip……….RUN
if he walks into a place and doesn’t hold open the door for you, but instead lets it slam in ur face. my mother said someone did that to her. and no, it was not my father;)
How he interacts with other people for example gas attendant, waiter and etc.. how he talks about other people does he talk about people and put them down? See how he reacts when things arent going how he wants them to…if when you are stuck in traffic with him how does he react?..all these things are small things about the person’s personality.
If he doesn’t learn shtark, run away as fas as you can.
If she doesn’t have chein and chesed, run away as fast as you can.
Laid back can equal lazy. Also, if they show anger over trivial things, head for the hills.
How he treats other people around him. I dated a boy who was very sweet to me, but tended to criticize other drivers exessively and people he worked with, people around us, etc.
Absolutely pay close attention to how he talks to other people. IF in a restaurant, does he order the staff around. Is he never pleased with the service> does he send back his food. ABSOLUTELY listen to how he talks to his mother. ANd honestly before you get engaged. put yourself in a situation where you watch him interact with his mother, cuz that is how he will treat you down the line. NO MATTER WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE llike she is annoying and You are not” (i am assuming you are a girl)
if he tells you constently what to do then he is a controll freak, get away before it becomes ugly!
Watch how they talk about family – if they speak derogatorily about them, chances are he’ll talk about you that way too.
Also remember, that not everything someone says is an indication that they’ll make a bad spouse. Be realistic.
People are not saints, we all have character defects
Just be comfortable with them when you date them and see if you can live with the person
People can change,
Girls are not saints either, you know
Is everyone in agreement that cheap, angry, ungreatful and impolite people shouldnt be married?
I think those are just personal preferences and doesnt mean everyone should look for it.
One thing that does apply to everyone is abusiveness but how can you spot it?
2q,
Unfortunately you can’t,not while dating t at least, sometimes even the abuser doesn’t know that they’re being abusive
daven, daven, daven – it’s very very hard to spot red flags. sometimes nervousness makes you act atypical of your normal behavior – he may be acting cheaper because he heards that your family hates big tippers cause they think its showing off – he may look more aggressive cause someone told him you like a confident boy – not necessarily red flags – try to relax and set a relaxed atmosphere to get as realistic an impression as possible – and try to focus on the goals you want to accomplish in life as they are really the priorities.
The biggest red flag of all is if her dress doesn’t cover her knees when sitting or she it otherwise not tznius.
If she nags you, (ex. drive this way, park there) drop her like a hot potato.
2q is right. how do you spot it if in the chareidi world pple go out for 3 weeks then get engaged. those are things you will spot after a couple mnths together.
I once heard, and i think this has merit, Watch how dogs and kids react to him. Sounds crazy but there is some truth to it. See how children react to him. Although Charedi dating is shortlived you can still spot red flags. and dating is an Indicator of how the person will act in real life. So while uneccessary nipicking isnt called for, look deeply into certain actions that bother you, because those little things now, in real life will be magnified.
I find it rather depressing that 99% of the posts so far, have been aimed at “looking for warning signs” in men.
Which leads me to the conclusion that women are to be trusted to be what they present themselves as, whereas men are to be regarded with suspicion.
Not that this feeling is unwarranted; most girls have proven themselves.. most boys have yet to do so.
We really need to do something about this perception.
BPT – I find the opposite to be true.
I went out with a boy who related a story about a certain Rav (he even told me this Rav’s name = no regard for shmiras halashon) – he started talking about how fanatic and “farfrumt” he was. This was a red flag for me – because unfortunately in today’s day and age there are so many people who put down Rabbanim because they don’t agree with them in different areas. This isn’t something that I wanted in a husband – because da’as Torah is so important to me. I also didn’t want my children to see how their father is always putting such great people down.
yep you probably made a good decision there.
The reason women are more congnisent of abuse is that statistically, men are much more likely to be the abusers than women are.
Men can be physically and monetarily abusive,
But woman can be emotionaly abusive which can “kill a man”
There are many more emotionally abusive women than physically abusive men.
Which raises the question… What red flags should a guy be on the lookout for, for an emotionally abusive girl?
from the United States Bureau of Irreproducible Statistics:
from 1987-1997: within marriage
emotionally abusive women: 18.46%
physically abusive men: 18.44%
cedar,
Probably hard to tell, but i look for someone who has simchas hachaim, and i hope i’ll be able to see that after a few dates
AGREED!
The time proven mistakes people make when picking a spouse…
SHE thinks he WILL change after they’re married, but he DOESN’T.
HE thinks she WON’T change after they’re married, but she DOES!
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