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I was reading the IY”H by you thread and I wanted to (rant) reply to a certain comment (which hit close to home). Heres goes:
Pardon my using this very overused line, but think before you speak. And before you ask. B”H, I’ve been put in some awkward situations. By awkward I mean being asked about such and such, and having to say that you got the wrong person because such and such aint happening. (Imagine looking for a job for a few years when someone asks you how your new job is working out and you need to explain that you never had one. Now change that to any topic you find a lot more sensitive.) Especially if I don’t know you very well, its very uncomfortable when I need to answer you. (If you have a legitimate question, maybe I don’t want to discuss it, but its a legitimate question. Not some random person I haven’t seen in 10 years trying to make conversation.) For you and for me. You’ll save both of us a lot of feeling bad.
(I know no one is perfect, including me, but having been on the receiving end of the questions sometimes I just get the idea that people don’t think.)
(Please don’t speculate. TIA)
*completely shocked that I just did that*
kapusta
I delayed answering because I wanted to make sure that I respond with sensitivity to you and your trying situation.
Please be mochel me if this does not come across.
“its very uncomfortable when I need to answer you.”
No, you don’t need to answer. It’s nobody’s business but your own.
But you DO need to come up with ready responses in advance.
I have a relative in her fifties who has a sense of humor up to a point. After being sensitive about this issue for so long, she decided that she’s going to make sure that she won’t be on the receiving end of ridiculous comments and turns the table on them by developing this basic repertoire:
Q: What does your husband do?
A: (looks them straight in the eye) I don’t have one. (the other starts squirming and apologizing)
Q: Where does your husband daven?
A:(looks them straight in the eye)I don’t have one. (the other starts squirming and apologizing)
Sometimes she’ll add a “yet” at the end if she doesn’t totally want them to feel bad.
Q: When are you due? (her stomach protrudes)
A1: Don’t worry, I’ll make sure you’re one of the first to know.
A2: After you.
A3: I’ve been carrying this for over a year now.
I could tell you more, but you would plotz at some things people ask.
Keep in mind that many people SINCERELY wish you well, as I’m sure all of us here in the CR do.
Kapusta, I’m not sure I understand what you’re saying but I really want to understand because it might very well be that it’s something that I do to others and if it bothers you then chances are that it bothers them too.
If you don’t want to explain though, u don’t have to. Don’t worry!
For now, good luck!!
Thanks kapusta for explaining. That must be so painful. Thank you for posting this because now I will be super careful with what I say and what I ask people…
kapusta
I’m wondering if you gave some thought to the idea about coming up with some ready “non-answers” for prying questions.
kapusta, I completely agree with everything you’ve said here.
happiest, I agree with kapusta that what you said really shows your sterling middos. But really, you’d be the last person I can think of that would say something that would upset others.
ayc, very informative examples you’ve brought here. I’m actually laughing right now thinking how awkward I can make someone feel in the following situation: Person asks me “So, what does your father do?” Me: “Oh, he’s a child molester.” It’s actually not funny, but I really am laughing about it!
Kapusta, I lared many, many moons ago to be careful asking questions. It must have been 20 years ago, I asked someone who I knew was expecting that I had bumped into months later. I asked how she was and excitedly asked what she had. I was so shocked and embarrassed when she told me “A miscarriage”. Obviously I did NOT ask her to be nosy or to pry. I asked from excitement and happiness for her and felt like I put my foot in my mouth or even worse like I got shot in the heart.
I’m glad it helped, MP.
I’m wondering if the following is acceptable to you when encountering any uncomfortable question:
-“I appreciate your interest, but I prefer not discussing it now”
-answer humorously. E.g., “I’ll tell you what my father DOESN’T do…dishes and windows!”
-change the subject
-turn the conversation back to the “yente” and ask questions about them. Many times people like this love to talk about themselves.
Hope this helps.
ayc, thanks for those suggestions! I’ll try to remember them. It actually once happened that someone asked me what my father does and I said something like “Um, I don’t really know…”. Needless to say, he was pretty shocked that I said that, and changed the subject.
MP, try this. “What does your father do”, “this best he can”.
What about when someone asks someone how many children they have, when they don’t have any? It can be a totally innocent question and yet so insensitive! The point is before we open our mouth we need to think, is this appropiate under all circumstances?
kapusta
“how should an only child answer a question about siblings?”
Q: What do your siblings do?
A1:I wasn’t aware I had any, are you?(while maintaining eye contact)
A2:I wasn’t blessed with any (while maintaining eye contact)
A3: You are assuming that I have some.
A4: I had a sib who passed (if true, they’ll stop pronto)
A5: What do yours do?
A6: Am I my brother’s keeper? (humorously, then change the subject)
It’s important to feel “armed” with responses and empowered, IMHO.
Would any of these work?
how should an only child answer a question about siblings?
Like blazes that I’d share my ????? with anyone!
Thanks, aries. Good suggestion.
MP
You’re welcome. I’m glad it helped.
Just realize that EVERYONE in life is confronted with questions they prefer not answering, albeit different in nature.(How much do you earn, what did your mother look like when she died, etc.)
You’re not alone.
Kapusta, Look over your shoulder and say “What siblings???????”
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