Random funny jokes!

A chabadnik on a train walked up to a man across the table. “Excuse me,” she said, “but are you Jewish?”
“No,” replied the man.
A few minutes later the chabadnik returned. “Excuse me,” he said again, “are you sure you’re not Jewish?”
“I’m sure,” said the man.
But the chabadnik was not convinced, and a few minutes later he approached him a third time. “Are you absolutely sure you’re not Jewish?” he asked.
“All right, all right,” the man said. “You win. I’m Jewish.”
“That’s funny,” said the chabadnik.” You don’t look Jewish.”

Two bochurim are walking through a neighborhood one evening when they notice they are being followed by a pair of hoodlums.
yossel, say his friend, we better get out of here. There are two of them, and we’re alone!

Bernstein walks into work one day at 9. He is very late The boss is furious. “You should have been here at 8:30!” he shouts.
“Why?” says Shapiro. “What happened at 8:30?”

what did the right eye say to left eye. “between me and you somthing smells

When Ben and his family returned home from his son’s Bar Mitzvah, they were shocked to discover that all the money and cards he received had gone missing! Rivkah, Ben’s wife swore she handed all the cards and money to the Rabbi and asked him to keep an eye on it throughout the party. Ben didn’t want to accuse his Rabbi of stealing, so decided it was best to avoid him!

A full year later, Ben see’s the Rabbi at the grocery store. The Rabbi corners him and says “Ben, nu! Why have you been avoiding me!” Ben sighs. “To be honest Rabbi, I have been avoiding you ever since we discovered that the cards and money have been missing from the Bar Mitzvah!” “Tell me, Ben,” the Rabbi says. “Has your son been putting on his tefillin?” “Of course!” Ben answered. “But what does that have to do with the money?” The Rabbi answers, “I put the cards and money in your sons tefillin bag which he clearly hasn’t opened since his Bar Mitzvah!”

“Does marriage change one’s personality?” Greg asked his buddy Mike. “In a way,” says Mike. “You see, when I was engaged, I did most of the talking and she did most of the listening. When we just got married she did most of the talking and I did most of the listening. Now we both do most of the talking and the neighbors do all of the listening.”

Yeshiva University decided to field a rowing team. Unfortunately, they lose race after race. Even though they practice and practice for hours every day, they never manage to come in any better than dead last.

Finally, the team decides to send Morris Fishbein, its captain, to spy on Harvard, the perennial championship team. Morris schlepps off to Cambridge, Mass. and hides in the bushes next to the Charles River, where he carefully watches the Harvard team at its daily practice.

After a week, Morris returns to Yeshiva. “Well, I figured out their secret,” he announces.

“What? Tell us! Tell us!” his teammates shout.

“We should have only one guy yelling. The other eight should row.”

Teacher: “George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?”

Louie: “Because George still had the axe in his hand.”

They say what is the difference between a 20 year old, 40 year old and 60 year old?

A 20 year old is very self conscious. Who am I? Where do I fit in? What do they think of me?

A 40 year old says to himself: This is me, and I could not care less what they think of me and how they look at me. They don’t like what they see, tough luck on this, this who I am. Take it or leave it.

And then the 60 year old realizes that nobody was ever looking at him in the first place…

A Russian Jew wanted to immigrate to Israel.

The local commissar calls him in for questioning
and asks:

Q. Haven’t we allowed you the right to worship in
your Synagogue?
A. Can’t complain.

Q. Haven’t we let you live in peace with your
fellow Jews?
A. Can’t complain.

Q. Haven’t we allowed you to travel freely within
and beyond the village?
A. Can’t complain.

Q. Haven’t we allowed you to teach your children
Torah?
A. Can’t complain.

Q. Haven’t we let you practice your profession?
A. Can’t complain.

Q. Then why do you want to go to Israel?
A. “There, I can complain!”