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Rav Avigdor Miller on Raising Difficult Children
Q: What should a person do if he feels like he’s going through a lot of difficulties raising his children?
A: If a person is bringing up children בדרך התורה, only that it turns out that it’s a difficult job to do, he should know that his reward is tremendous. The Gemara says that if a person has צער גידול בנים, if he has difficulties in raising his children, then אינו רואה פתחה של גהינים – “he won’t even have to walk past the door of Gehenim.” So when you pass out of this world, you will go straight to Olam Habah.
The mitzvah of גידול בנים, raising up children, is one of the biggest mitzvos of the Torah! You know what it means to make Jews?! You suffer from them. But the more you suffer, the greater is the reward. Now, if you have a good boy or a good girl, and they caused you no suffering because they themselves chose to do good all the time, you’ll still get reward. But not a reward like that one who suffers. צער גידול בנים makes you a wealthy person. You should know that the reward in Gan Eden is to sit on a golden throne just because you suffered in this great cause of raising up children for the service of Hashem. Because that’s the true success of a Jew in this world, to raise up a family that will serve Hashem and remain after him forever and ever.
Tape # E-218 (January 2000)
The interesting thing about difficult “anything” is that often it has more to do with the person experiencing the difficulty rather than the object of that difficulty, be it one’s profession, schoolwork, a specific task or educating and guiding others.
Expectations in terms of achievement or the time and manner in which those achievements are realized play a major role in those experiences. Recognizing, as well, how one’s point of view along with one’s reactions to disappointment along the way can aid or hinder.
For example, forcing a child to choose a particular profession no matter how lucrative or safe may not be in the best interest of the child or one’s relationship with that child. Would the resistant or unsuccessful child be considered “difficult”?
If the child doesn’t fit the “mold” of one’s dreams, is that a failure in the child or of unrealistic expectations of the parent?
No, all children are difficult children, and then there are some that are even more difficult.
So how much schar do children or difficult parents get?
Does anyone know where the Gemara being quoted which says that if a person has צער גידול בנים, if he has difficulties in raising his children, then אינו רואה פתחה של גהינים is?
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