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I have a situation I’m hoping you can help me with.
I have been married for several years, and I’m very happy with all the blessings in my life. My issue is that my mother constantly makes comments that I don’t spend enough money on myself. She gets upset that I don’t buy the designer clothes, shoes, and bags that she wants me to get. She asks me if we don’t have money. Sometimes I wonder if she thinks we’re poor. She’s very generous with us, and buys us gifts all the time. My problem is that I want her to know that I am happy and I don’t feel that I’m lacking in anything. I don’t want her to spend money on me, and I don’t want her to think that I’m deprived either. She just doesn’t understand that we need to pay the bills somehow.
I’m not complaining about her, and I’m not looking for comments about how parents shouldn’t get involved in their married childrens’ lives. I just need advice on how to respond to these comments without upsetting her, and hopefully make her understand.
Thanks
Have you tried speaking to her in a direct, but respectful way when she brings it up? I think that being direct is always more preferable than hinting at something. Or sometimes women say something in a way that they might think is “obvious”, but they don’t actually say it outright. It is not always obvious to the person listening, so speaking directly, but in a pleasant tone is always best.
Also, you might want to say it directly, but in a light/joking way so your mother doesn’t take offense.
For ex: Mother- Why don’t you buy yourself something nice for Yom Tov? Isn’t your husband taking care of you properly?
You – Oh, Mommy! You don’t have to worry. You married me off very well! I have the best husband in the world! I’ve been planning to get myself something when I can find the time. Anyway, I think my blue outfit still looks pretty good on me! No?
Hope that helps.
Cest la vie-
Hello.
I have relatives who had the almost same issue.
The husband told her that gift-giving was something that made them happy, and the gifts should be graciously accepted.
(As others are surely thinking, this should be your worst problem.)
we welcome a brand new member- CEST LA VIE 🙂
It really sounds like you want to live a different lifestyle than your parents. You are happy with a nice outfit for yom tov, while your mother seems to believe it doesnt pas to greet each of the ushpizin in the same outfit.
My advise, continue living the lifestyle you and your husband are comfortable living and let your mother know, graciously.
First off, I want to say that IMHO your screen name says it all – this is the life! I admire your way of living.
Putting a sigh in the phrase, <sigh> this is the life. Mothers are mothers. Bills are bills. Priorities are priorities. The best advice I can give you is that you should tell you mother in a very respectful way that while you will graciously allow her to spoil you, at your stage in life spoiling yourself is a low priority. While of course everyone family is different, most couples who are married for a few years simply do not have the disposable income to live like that. So it’s a trade-off between responsibility and gratification. She will admire you for choosing responsibility if you let her know that it makes you happy. Reinforce your happiness over time to her.
Tout le meilleur!
Can I apply for some of these funds and gifts? I will post my address.
I also agree with ICOT about accepting gifts graciously.
I remember early in my marriage, my in-laws wanted to buy us our first washer/dryer, and I considered that to be too expensive a gift and not their responsibility to buy for us. I really did not want to accept it and even told them thank you, but that it was not necessary for them to buy this for us.
My husband asked our Rav if we should accept this gift. The Rav said essentially what ICOT wrote above: that giving gifts is a parent’s pleasure and we should accept it and just say “Thank you” to them for their generous gift.
Cest la vie – Glad to be of help! Hatzlochoh with your talk to your Mother and in the zchus of doing the mitzva of kibbud aym, may you and your family be written down for a shana tova.
Amein, kein yehi ratzon. I’ll take all the brachos I can get!
it is nice to hear each other helping, well i guess as a mother and mother in law i really have a hard time, must of the times i have to keep my mouth shut, wether i like it or not, it is very hard for a mother to see her children laking something, and having to keep quiet about it. but i guess anything a mother or a mother in law says is never too welcome… c’est la vie
Cest la vie: What is so terrible about wearing designer cloths when you see your mother, if that is what’s going to make her happy? It’s not about you.
Kibud Av V’eim is one of the most important and difficult mitzvos to attain. Be thrilled that you are able to be m’kayem it in a relatively simple way.
Take advantage while you can and make your mother happy.
Sorry, I got the wrong impression about the money aspect from your post.
You are a wonderful daughter but if you haven’t been able to change your mother’s mind set by now, you probably never will.
So play the game and make the best of it; and continue to make her happy.
Cest la vie:
If your concern is truly about chaval al hakessef, may I suggest a beautiful idea for you. If you frequent Boro Park, why don’t you ask your mother to go with you to a fine eatery called Masbia. They feed a hot meal to ANY Jewish person in need, in an upscale feel enabling them to not feel ashamed. There she will see how many people she can feed and make so incredibly happy for a quarter the price of a Prada. This realization will certainly cause a lightbulb to go off in your mother’s head.
c’est la vie, if a daughter doesnt feel she is lacking anything, its fine with me believe me, i see my daughters could use this or that but i dont get involve, why point it out to them. so they could have shalom bayis problems….no i am not that mother or mother in law, and guess what??? they think a tell them too much…. i really dont ,,,they should just know what i think sometimes, they would faint.
and trying to make ur mother happy is fine, but are u truthful with yourself…maybe you just want to make yourself happy and use your mother as a pretext. first make your family and husband happy ..i think so dont you?
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