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There is a print newspaper which shall remain nameless that features a poem every week in its magazine section. The “poet,” who I’ll call Chatzkel Bolevnik, has even released a book of his musings. Usually his contribution to the publication is somewhat amusing and quite innocuous. Two weeks ago, however, he took the unprecedented step of mocking some of the folks who write into the paper in rhyme. Here’s just a small portion of the piece:
“They write about drinking,
And rhyme it with speaking,
No, I’m not critiquing,
I don’t know what they’re thinking.”
Well, I took umbrage. And I generally don’t take umbrage unless it’s lying around and nobody else wants it. I found his attitude quite obnoxious. He was basically making fun of some of the people who pay his salary for composing his rather lame poems. Anyway, I hope he comes into the Coffee Room occasionally, because here is my answer to his offensive composition:
And always been amused
And though I found your poems cute
Who write nice sonnets, too
So please sit back and just relax
While I explain to you.
You do it every week
But please, you have to understand
So I found it unfortunate
That you made the decision
To treat your readers with disdain
And even with derision.
Last week you chose to ridicule
The bards of Readers Write
You pointed out their weaknesses
But next time that you feel you must
Make sure that yours is wonderful
And perfect and sublime.
Last week your cadence changed, you see
From fourteen beats per verse
That only made it worse.
Most of your rhymes were pretty good
But one brought me to tears
After you read this letter
That others too, do what you do
Some even do it better!
Have a wonderful Shabbos, Chatzkel!
Excellent YaP!!
It’s okay not to rhyme when you write each line
Only if you aren’t trying to rhyme.
What a great poem
from our esteemed member,
who calls himself, oddly,
Yashi and Pember.
He goes after “Bolevnik”,
who writes insecurely,
of readers who write,
but make their rhymes poorly.
He does so with humor,
while taking his own advice,
his cadence is perfect,
his rhymes are precise.
(While driving on the Goethals,
I tried to rhyme with “umbrage”,
But I could hardly concentrate,
while crossing that dumb bridge.)
A message from Chatzkel,
to one Rocky Zweig,
If the FJJ rejects you,
maybe just shveig?
The words that I write here,
are purely in jest,
have a gut voch, and until next week –
hatzlocha, and all the best!
Dear Y&P & Daas Yachid,
Please read my words
On this wonderful site
Cause someone named Dad
Taught me how to write
Week in and week out
“Bolevnik” muses
You, I, and him
He surely amuses
Frankly he’s too busy
To read our hock
He has so much to write
And not much time on the clock
However, I informed him
About your little work
He chuckled and laugh
And left off with a smirk
You see, every week
His poem gets read
Then dozens of Hockers
Critique what he said
Indeed, listen up
And then you will see
That imitation sure is
The greatest form of flattery
Yes you do have a right
To write your own work
But please do not act
Like a glorified jerk
Do not come to tears
When “Bolevnik” mis-rhymes
‘Cause though he’s been writing for years
He’s been wrong VERY few times!
And you can call the Yated
Say “Bolevnik is Sloppy”
But remember that your FJJ
Of the Yated, its one big Copy!
I think perhaps your question
Should be sent to the Rountable
Maybe the Purim edition
Will make it more Stable
“Can I copy what
A great writer writes,
And mock it online,
Will it create fights?”
And all the Rabbanim will answer
“No way! Go back to bed.”
But Rabbi Kamenetzky will answer
“Sure! Go right Ahead!”
I hope I cleared up
Everything here
And you got your answer
That “Bolevnik” doesn’t care
About what you say
What you write or you Blog
He is way too busy
So you can go take a jog
He has many jobs
And things to do
But one is definitely not responding
To people like you!
So instead of him writing back
I wrote back in lieu
Do not critisize this poem
Or go on a Rage
‘Cause this one was writen
By someone less than half your age
True, I’m bored enough
To read this Hock
And I read your poem
Which put me in Shock
Thats why I wrote
This little “Muse”
To inform everyone
That might be confused
This poem is not
In defense of “Bolevnik’s”
He does not need that
He’ll write what he picks
I hope your still reading
‘Cause this is the end
Of my very long poem
To which “Bolevnik” I’ll send!
Dear Eli,
Your poem is magnificent,
You’re a chip off the old block.
Please believe me when I say,
I was’t trying to mock.
Your father is wonderful,
and his poems a delight.
No offense was meant,
when I sat down to write.
I never even saw,
the original ditty.
So please forgive me,
for trying to be witty.
So please send your father
my sincerest apology,
because insulting another,
is not in our theology.
A poem should ideally be short,
Never write more than a quart.
Also, it’s a waste of time
to stick words in just ’cause they rhyme.
(see above)
these be dangerous waters…
REAL PEOPLE,
REAL NAMES,
THE COFFEE ROOM
(what a shame, theres so much i have to say)
The thing about poetry
That’s sometimes a curse
The writing most often
Goes from bad to verse.
I don’t like machlokess,
Of that I’m quite sure.
So please, no oneupsmanship,
’cause who’s keeping score?
We all seem to have
Much too much free time here.
Isn’t anyone in the CR
Making Pesach this year???
Yes we are
by the way
this is free verse.
WOW.
Such talent!!!!
oomis +1 and nice poetry skills!! Love the play on words too 🙂
I enjoy reading poetry
I find it relaxing
But sometimes reading verses
Can be very taxing.
There are some people out there
Who think that they can write
As long it is rhyming
The poem is alright.
But poems need a rhythm
The couplets need to flow
The lines should be the same length
Something real poets know.
So have a read through my verse
Count each line’s syllables
And then you’ll get my meaning
And write verse that’s billable.
For those who really will try and count, let me save you the bother: I wrote this in an ABCB format, which means that the second and last line of each verse rhymes. Lines A and C contain 7 syllables each, and the rhyming lines 6. Example:
I en-joy rea-ding poe-try (7)
I find it re-lax-ing (6) etc
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