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Why is it that girls are strictly required to include a picture of themselves on their shidduch resume, when guys aren’t? Isn’t it only fair for the girls to get to see exactly who and what they’re about to date also?
Its been discussed in a number of threads already, but I’m not looking for them.
I would ask though. “Strictly required”? By whom? I have seen dozens of shidduch profiles (I hate the term resume) and only once did it include a picture which was placed there at her own discretion.
Its not “required”, and IMHO, quite demeaning. If the shadchan will not take the time to meet you (and the boy) face to face, I’d look for a different shadchan.
And if all they can do is rattle off info from a resume, how are they any better than a web search engine?
Its time to start demanding a touch of humanity in the process.
i dont think its required..sometimes the shadchan wants one for herself to remember…
it’s so normal “aso kimt es”
Why bother with pictures on a profile. Just send a copy of the yearbook to all yeshivos every year and they can reference the picture when necessary. (This is written with tongue firmly planted in cheek)
Its not only shadchanim who ask for a picture of the girl. I have been asked for a picture directly from the boys mother- and then what are you supposed to do? If you don’t give a picture, it seems as if there is something to hide, and if you do give a picture and don’t look like a supermodel, they will say no. So its a no win situation. When I hear that the mother wants a picture, in my mind the shidduch is closed.
Many shadchanim do require a picture (from the girl), but you don’t have to work with them! I have a bigger problem with shadchanim who show the pictures to boys (or their mothers!), before they go out. I agree with bpt, if shidduchim is important enough to you, take the time to go out- even if it’s far. Being reduced to a picture is not just demeaning, it’s cheapening and can be very innacurate. Can you look at a picture of anything and know indefinately what it even truly looks like? Take pictures of Eretz Yisrael- if you’ve never been there, will they mean half as much to you? Some shadchanim I know keep pictures to keep names with faces, but some shadchanim I wouldn’t trust with my picture.
individual-
You are so right. Most people look way better in real life than in a picture. I would way rather the boy’s mother come “scout me out” by a wedding than make judgments on me based on a picture.
Darkoh shel Ish lechabesh velo Isha
its in the nature that Hashem put us in
I think it’s ridiculous
Its also in our nature to say no when an unreasonable demand is made. If you are uncomfortable with the request for a picture, say, I’m sorry, that is not something we do in our family.
whas the biggie? give them your 8th grade graduation picture.
lol mewho!!! dont think i wud ever get married if i wud give my 8th grade pix!!!!
I dont agree with the idea of giving your pix, but i can totaly understand them. every girl is labeled ‘stunning’ and that’s totaly not true. and guys can be very particular. a picture of a guy is totaly not needed because most guys are anyways not good looking 🙂 (sorry guys out there!)
” the boy’s mother come “scout me out” by a wedding “
I said almost the same thing to my wife, about how we should go about dealing with suggestions for our boys.
If she sounds promising on the initial info, its worth our effort to go see her. Not stalk her 24/7.. not hire a PI. But a simple visual at a wedding or other public venue is certainly in order.
I got married a year and a half ago and no one ever asked me for a picture. I never even heard of this. Is this a very new thing that pictures of the girl are “required”?
And I dont understand why any guy should decide that a girl is ugly before he meets her. She probably looks very different in a mugshot then in person. (and besides if he likes her personality, he wont care if shes drop dead gorgeous or not)
a shadchan arranged for the mother of Bachur Mrs.L to get a glimpse a ?????? in certain store, but she did not provide any clue who to look for. My wife was talking to one when the other passed by and said Hello. My wife being polite introduced them. They are B”H happily married.
If the implied premise of the question posed by the initial poster is correct, i.e., that women are required to include photos with their shidduch resumes, but men are not, then it probably represents a marketplace determination that women’s appearances matter, and men’s appearances do not. Is this an issue that should be addressed by frum men? Frum women? Yeshivas?
I really dont think that its the boys who are requesting the picture- its the mother!
People want know know why there is a shidduch crisis? Its because the boys’ mothers become psychotic when it comes to their sons dating. They make unreasonable demands, and expect a potential daughter in law to have all the maalos possible (Looks, money, education, personality…) And the sad part is that they actually have the power to demand all of these things, because they have a list of girls from here to Timbuktu that they can choose from. Mind you, they are the same people who are crying about the crisis when it comes to their daughters shidduchim!
pumper…why is it no win??!?! are u implying that ur ugly??
cshapiro -That was a VERY rude comment.
ur rite….i meant it sarcastically…im sorry
cshapiro-
actually I don’t think I am ugly at all, I am just really not photogenic, which seems to be a crime nowadays worthy of keeping a girl dateless!
dont worry a guy once told me i dont look like my picture, idk if that was a compliment or an insult?!!??!
People always look different in real life than in their picture. That is why I find this picture thing so frustrating! And if a person is super photogenic and look better in the picture than in real life, does that help anyone?
a woman once called my friend as a reference for me…she asked what i looked like a and what size dress i wear and if i was attractive..etc…..anyways my friend called me up two seconds after and said YOU MAY NOT GO OUT WITH HIM!!!!…I was like umm okay and i called the shadchan and said sorry its not gonna work. anyways their are superficial people out there…dont let it get to u, iyh ull find ur zivug and be married by this time next year!!!!
I think I good way to stop the silliness in asking for pictures if if girls would get together and use the same photo.
I believe what is sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander. If the girl has to show her pic, SO DOES THE BOY. IMO, neither should.
i think its wrong for only the girl to give a picture! but since this was already “discussed” in a previous- and really long thread- i’m not going to go into it again- and some ppl here would agree with me- u know who u r
Of course girls should have to give a picture. They are the ones who ruin their shidduch potential through their negligence (some of them, others through genetic things, bla bla bla).
It is no different than asking if a guy smokes.
“If you don’t give a picture, it seems as if there is something to hide”
Since just about every bachur is the best in the yeshiva and is looking for support, I think it is only proper that they attach the last three chaburas that they gave to their profile. If he cant or wont, can we can assume he is hiding something? Is the next step, having all shidduch profiles notarized?
popa-
are you trying to make sense?
apushtayid-
believe me, I totally agree with you! But when I am redt to a really good boy that I think I would have a lot in common with and his mother asks for a picture, what am I supposed to do? Drop the shidduch altogether? If it was the boy asking for the picture I would not be interested, but most times its the mother. Having a crazy mother in law is not a reason to say no to a shidduch IMO.
popa-
are you trying to make sense?
No. But this whole thread makes no sense.
We have some talking about the “requirement”- there is no requirment.
We have some saying that boys should also give a picture- what is the point of that? Would that make you happy? No, you don’t want to give a picture, and you don’t want a picture.
And we’ve already discussed everything there is to discuss a couple of months ago.
So, I decided to humor myself.
Please forgive me if I veered off course.
“I think I good way to stop the silliness in asking for pictures if if girls would get together and use the same photo.”
PERFECT!!!!
I remember 20-25 years ago hearing rumors about shadchanim who acquired school yearbooks to check out the girls. The one possible benefit of sending a picture is that the shadchan may connect more with a person, and remember who you are, rather than just a page of factoids. But a very small picture may work better, presenting a human face, with less to inspect and analyze.
zeeskite-
Many yeshivish boys do not “officially” propose, and especially not on one knee- way to goyish!
That I know, I referring to the concept. During the dating process it’s all the polite show, opening the car door (oh oh – that’s another thread), and walking her to her door (another one). Before dating, she’s an object, afterwards, well, that depends on his mentchlich kite.
Pumper. A crazy mother in law is one thing. A son who cant stand up to his mother is not a crazy mother in law problem, it is a flawed husband problem. Why get involved with such a guy at all.
apushtayid-
I dont think that the boys even know half of what their mothers are doing.
Seriously.
I have been asked for a picture by mothers of boys who are not even in the country now!
If the shidduch situation is as you describe it today, then I propose all first dates be with the mother of the boy and not the boy, a side benefit is that you wont have to send a picture.
Popa
Whats w the constant overweight agenda?
The majority of Jewish girls are small (which is a good thing being that the men dont grow taller than 5’7) so why the constant bashing.
In my limited experience w people, I am going to say this is not a surface issue. So what happened, did you marry a girl and she got fat on you?
Sacrilege:
See my later post, regarding this thread.
I don’t think I am bashing. If I have an “attachment” to weight, it is because I successfully lost serious weight, so I don’t really have as much sympathy for people who don’t.
Sacrilege-
I was just about to say the same thing. Popa seems to be obsessed with telling the world that girls are not allowed to be fat
I read it the first time. I thought it made sense the first time. The follow up was just a cheap cop out.
I don’t think I am bashing. If I have an “attachment” to weight, it is because I successfully lost serious weight, so I don’t really have as much sympathy for people who don’t.
Offen a Rashi that you didn’t lose weight. HOW DARE YOU ARGUE WITH CHAZAL!
On a more serious note, the most critical thing for a guy dating is that he be attracted to the girl. Without it their marriage is doomed.
ZeesKite: The gedolim disagree with you, what can I say.
apushtayid-
You are actually not far off. Some of my friends had to meet the boys parents before the first date! Talk about intimidating!
Sacrilege-
welcome back- haven’t seen you around in a while!
GAW: nice.
Gedolim disagree with me? Please explain.
Girls meet the parents first? Wow, I must really be out of touch.
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