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We always hear about problems facing overweight girls in the shidduc parasha. What do girls feel about overweight guys? Is it an automatic rejection for some, an issue for others and a non issue for others? I’m interested in anyone’s (Girls, Guys, Shadchanim, Wise men, knowitalls) take on this. Thanks.
Are you asking a normative question or a positive question?
The answer to the positive question is that it is not a big deal unless they are obese.
The answer to the normative question is the same, in my opinion.
As an aside, how do you define obese?
It’s like obscenity. I know it when I see it.
@Medium Thinker – Everybody is different and some women are fine dating bigger guys, but alot of women are bothered when a guy is overweight. Reality is that first impressions count in dating, as they do everywhere and people who are attractive on the outside do get more attention. Of course ultimately to marry someone you need to be attracted and respect the inside (middos, values, personality, ambition etc.), but both men and women need to see their spouse as attractive as a marriage is partially physical. Also consider that, in general people are more health conscious than they were in the past and if somebody has a very unhealthy lifestyle that can lead to bad health at a young age, if a potential partner looks unhealthy at 22, it could be scary to think of what will be in 20 years. In general it’s good to put your best foot forward in dating, some people can carry an extra 15 lbs. and look terrific and put together and they will be fine in dating. However, some people are overweight and look very sloppy and unhealthy. A dynamic overweight guy will have a totally different dating experience than a guy who’s overweight, sweaty and breathing heavy and can’t seem to keep his shirt tucked in. Just giving it to you straight, from a woman, who’s had lots of conversations about men and dating with other women Hope it helps.
We should be less critical of overwight people. They tend to live quite nicely through middle age, meaning they don’t expire until they are in late middle age – when they would retire anyways, and when their children are married off. By leaving early without spending a lot of time in old age they save society a lot of money since old people often need support. Obesity will help reduce the problem of poor elderly (by removing them from society just at that point that they start needing financial aid).
akuperma – Very shrewd observation
@Akuperma I’m not sure if you’re serious, but in case you are, most relationships boil down to more than economics. I would like the people I love to live past the point that they are financially useful. Jews aren’t Eskimo’s, we don’t send our elderly off on an ice floe when they become a burden, we cherish every day. Also, obese people have a far lower quality of life at any age. Having a young, obese spouse that has health issues that are bought on by obesity is a huge burden on the family. I know young couples that have to deal with heart conditions, diabetes, fainting episodes etc. and miss out on many opportunities for financial security and enjoyment because one spouse has a big weight issue. A 30 year old should not have the health of a 70 year old, unfortunately people sometimes get sick no matter how diligent they are about their health, but why abuse your body in a way that will certainly bring it on?
A person with a weight issue is showing to a degree their personal, emotional issues as well. Most of the time extra weight is the direct result of certain middos that could use some serious fine tuning. Therefore, beyond the aesthetics which may or may not be an issue, the extra weight on a potential spouse should be a serious red flag regarding the persons middos.
Also, having extra weight could very well have a direct impact on a persons ongoing mood and ability to exercise calmness and other nice, quality middos so the bottom line is, extra weight and good / bad middos are not really 2 separate things to consider when going out.
“Don’t worry, be happy” – Remember that being overly obsese proves your faith in HaShem since you are so how anxious you are to arrive in Olam Ha-Ba. Whether this appeals to women will depend on how whether they look favorably on the idea of widowhood. The reality is that a serious overweight person in their 20s (when most people get married), will probably make it to 60, by which times the kids are grown, and the family probably can do just as well with an inheritance rather than a steady income (and especially better than a steady income undermined by health issues).
Remember, we are supposed to look at the bright side and be happy.
Girls don’t have much choice but to accept overweight bochorim, as their are more girls than bochorim in the shidduch market and thus the girls must take what is available or risk being stuck unmarried indefinitely.
akuperma: If someone is still too healthy at old age, and doesn’t have a bundle of money to support themselves, they can go the euthanasia route in one of the States that legalized it.
You have to look at the etymology of the words in order to understand the problem.
Overweight is a compound of two words, over and weight.
Over is related to the German word “uber” as a prefix indicates superiority over something.
Weight comes from the German word “gewicht” meaning something that is very important.
Guy comes from either the Old French or Northern Germanic word that means “guide”
In other words, “overweight guy” means a super-important guide. Someone who thinks he knows everything and has to tell everyone what to do.
No one likes that.
2morecents: “the extra weight on a potential spouse should be a serious red flag regarding the persons middos.”
Praytell what middah? Please elaborate further.
Shein: “Girls don’t have much choice but to accept overweight bochorim, as their are more girls than bochorim in the shidduch market and thus the girls must take what is available or risk being stuck unmarried indefinitely.”
By that logic, a girl should accept a male mannequin in a dress shop since that’s “available” & we really don’t have many choices do we…?
The double standard here is making me sick.
The middah to worry about with an overweight person is gezel by taking more out of the world than one needs. I use the thought of it to control my weight and it (usually) works.
Unfortunately most people today who are overweight are a product of the consumption society we live in. If someone is obese (really overweight) then maybe it says something about their middos and personality but someone being overweight by 10-25 pounds is so common today that it doesnt mean anything. It just means they live in the US and have tons of unhealthy high fat/carb/calorie foods available at all times.
Loyal Jew
Eating a lot is not gezel unless you are eating someone elses food! If you paid for it and made a brocha its not gezel!
1. It could be just giving in to Tayva.
2. Destructive to the body which is against Venishmartem meod lnafshoseichem.
3. Possibly baal tashchis of the food if the person is no longer really enjoying it and just “fressing.”
4. A bad idea because it will make you unhealthy which will make your quality of life worse as well as make it harder to do anything including mitzvos.
I am overweight, and my wife is quite bothered by this. Though I myself think it’s not that bad – in America I’d be considered average, probably….
I’m 180 cm and 85 kg, or, 5’11” and 187 lbs or 13 stone and 5.39 lbs.
Opposites attract. Which is why heavy guys and skinny girls are many shidduchim in our community made of.
It’s all about the presentation for a woman. If a guy has a dull personality, frequently his looks won’t buy her no matter how beautiful. But if the girl finds the guy awesome to be around, chances are she’ll convince herself to fall for his looks too.
Looks are much less important for a girl than it is for a guy.
Kiryas Yoelite, my theory is more physics based: Massive objects gravitationally attract other objects. The more massive one object is, the harder it pulls on the second object, and the less massive the second object, the less inertia the first object needs to convert to pull it in. Thus, fat guys attract skinny girls.
Curiosity: Oddly, you’re theory also explains why I can’t seem to get these absurdly delicious chocolate chip cookies from Winn Dixie (P.Y. ORB)out of my hands.
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