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What is the right balance for parents to control their teenagers lives?
What is the right balance for parents to control their teenagers lives?
It really depends on the individual teen and the age of said teen. I don’t think there’s a “one size fits all” answer. Can you provide more specifics?
The Wolf
Based on the thread title, I’m going to guess that you’re the teenager.
The truth is likely that whatever the proper balance is, you will think it’s overbearing.
Sounding like my father A”H
What I tell my single children:
“When you live under my roof, you live by my rules.”
In fact, If I’m supporting you at school, you also live by my rules in addition to the school’s rules while you are in the dorm or apartment.
When you live in your own home and are self sufficient you may establish your own rules…until then…Momma and Poppa rule
My father had a saying…..on the other side of the front door is a free country. On the inside of the door is a dictatorship.
That being said it depends on the child and the parents. One has to define overbearing and has to tell us whether you are the child or the parent.
What I tell my single children:
“When you live under my roof, you live by my rules.”
CTLawyer: While that’s completely true, it doesn’t mean that any rule you make is a good idea and best for your kids.
For example, you could make a rule that your kids need to go to bed by 6PM every night, and eat saurkraut every day for lunch. And it is your roof, so it is your rules. But that would be a bad rule to make.
Popa_bar-abba
This past year our youngest child started college (after doing a year of seminary).
She came home for a long weekend in October. Motzei Shabbos she was going out with friends. When asked when she’d be home she replied by 1AM. She was told she had an 11:30 curfew.
But daddy, the curfew in the dorm is 1AM.
My reply, when you come into the dorm after midnight you don’t disturb your parents. Here we don’t fall into a deep sleep until you are in safely and the doors locked and all lights out.
As the iconic 1950s TV show title read: Father Knows Best.
You may not agree with every rule some other parent makes, but unless abusive or illegal, we do get to set the rules in our own homes.
Yes, we agree.
You have the right to set the rules, and the responsibility to use that right well.
CTLAWYER: I somewhat agree with your approach but my parents had a different rule about curfew. During the week it was 11:00 PM; on Motzai Shabbos it was 1:00 AM. Curfew was allowed to be extended if we called by 10:59 PM or 12:59 AM. If we called at 11:01 PM or 1:01 AM we violated curfew and curfew was an hour earlier for the next two weeks.Yes it was the end of the 1970’s and early 1980’s but……..
iacisrmma – “During the week it was 11:00 PM; on Motzai Shabbos it was 1:00 AM. Yes it was the end of the 1970’s and early 1980’s but”
I’d consider your parents loose even if it was during our day & age, for sure back then!
Pringles, I’m joining this a bit late, but there is a big world out there and it’s filled with pressing matters, not the least of which is a zany-insaney assortment of people who may have done better if they had parents with the right kind of control in their lives. That being said, I am looking at the wording of your question, and it is an impossible non-question if you are the teenager, as follows: what will you do with your answer? If you get all kinds of feedback which tells you that by-and-large parents of teenagers should loosen up and let teenagers make their own decisions and stop being so “overbearing” and “controlling,” what are you going to do with that, huh? Are you going to march with your laptop over to your overbearing parents (who may have done anything from locking you in your room for 3 days to saying, No, you cannot stay up all night listening to heavy metal with the windows open, to asking you to inform them – Hashem yerachem – where you are going and with whom) – and show them these responses on this thread and yell at them “See?!?! Ess shteit in Coffee Room! You need to get off my back!” And if everyone tends toward answers that support strict parenting will you run away? Jump out a window? Cry? Why is this a forum where you feel you will find answers to your pressing worries about your relationship with your parents? I would be shocked if this was written by a parent of a teenager, and if so – delete all of the above (except for the part about this not exactly being a heilige and authoritative source for life’s big questions) and suggest that you as parents – who pay the bills, POST BAIL, feed the child, cover tuition and clothing etc, can make all the rules you feel you need to make, find out what abuse constitutes and don’t go there, and make sure to communicate a lot of respect and trust, as well as open, accepting channels of discussion in which you encourage the teen to begin to feel the weight of making mature decisions. A teen who has been in a dorm should not confuse him/herself with a 35 year old who has been through life and learned from it, mistakes and all. So assert yourself as parents, but begin infusing “chacham einov berosho” thoughts. You need to be very open and straight with your teen about things you are worried about and be sure you are not too overboard neurotic, but that is kind of hard to achieve in this crazy world…
Health: For one, neither my sisters nor I thought of my parents as “loose”. As a matter of fact most of our friends considered my parents strict as they were not subject to curfews.These curfews were still in effect while my sisters were engaged.
Once a child becomes an adult, and demonstrates real responsibility, parents DO need to be less overbearing, if in fact that they are. Some behavior will always be viewed as overbearing, by immature teens. Some behavior WILL be overbearing, by overly possessive parents (read: Mothers).
Any rules made by parents for the reasonable safety and welfare of their children, who may be too young or immature to recognize that fact, nevertheless need to be followed. If a teen wants to be totally in charge of his/her destiny, let that teen mov out, be self-supporting,and make their own way through life. But that rarely happens that way. They want independence without actually being independent.
kabed as avov vas emoy.
iacisrmma – “For one, neither my sisters nor I thought of my parents as “loose”.”
From your description of your your parents, I’d consider them loose!
You’d consider my parents, when I was a kid, as abusive!
Mrs. D;
Totally agree with you.
From the wording (and s/n) of the OP, it’s quite obvious she’s the teenage child. Possibly letting off some seam here. Venting her frustration, anger or etc..
Health: I am not sure what you mean by “loose”. I generally had college classes until 9:30 or 10:00 PM thereby giving me an hour to get home before the curfew.
I wanted to write earlier, before my eyes drooped…
Sometimes teens forget the Mitzvah in the Torah ??? ?? ???? ??? ???. They’ll run around doing “mitzvohs”, segulos, farfrumte etc. while neglecting this one special mitzvah. In seforim it’s brought down that it’s part of / rooted in hakaras hatov and that is for just the very single act of bringing him / her into the world of opportunity. ?????, for that alone it’s worth all the thanks and reciprocation.
Then add to that what most parents do for their children (as outlined in the ?????? on Shavuos) and this Mitzvah will take on another meaning.
But even without all this – it’s an explicit Mitzvah in the Torah, we do because HaShem told us to do. ????? ????? ?????. An eved HaShem will do all His commandments with a fervor and geshmack!!
It’s a hard Mitzvah, especially for teens, because it involves parents whom teens may not always see eye to eye (putting it mildly) and even for others, because it involves another, a close relative who is at times on a different page… ??? ???”? ?? ??????? ?? ???????, HaShem takes all this into account… it’s call the hardest of the hardest mitzvah… there’s also the greatest reward for it, in this world and in the next ????? ????? ????? ???.
iacisrmma -“Health: I am not sure what you mean by “loose”.”
Like a free-for-all! Especially Saturday night.
Health: “free for all”?? These rules were in effect after we turned 18 which at the time was Legal age in NY even for drinking alcohol. Most of our friends thought of my parents as strict since we had a curfew. I guess my parents trusted their children; obviously you don’t.
iacisrmma -“Health: “free for all”?? These rules were in effect after we turned 18 which at the time was Legal age in NY even for drinking alcohol. Most of our friends thought of my parents as strict since we had a curfew. I guess my parents trusted their children; obviously you don’t.”
So you were treated worse than the average Goy.
Teenagers shouldn’t be out all night on Saturday night!
At least in the Frum world!
Making sure their safe, making sure their not being rebellious.
Health: You have some chutzpah to even say that I WAS TREATED WORSE THAN THE AVERAGE GOY. Unless you are over 50 years of age and know what the “frum world” did in the late 1970’s and early 1980’s PLEASE KEEP QUIET. IT WAS NORMAL to go out with your friends on Motzai Shabbos!
Moderator: (Yes I am using UPPPERCASE as I am shouting.)
It still is normal to go out with your friends on motzei shabbos. The thing is that its a waste of time and some people choose to use their time wise fully and stay home and study.
iacisrmma-“Unless you are over 50 years of age and know what the “frum world” did in the late 1970’s and early 1980’s PLEASE KEEP QUIET.”
Either I am, or I asked my parents that are!
“IT WAS NORMAL to go out with your friends on Motzai Shabbos!”
Maybe for the MO crowd, not for the Yeshivishe world!
Mod -“(Yes I am using UPPPERCASE as I am shouting.)”
Some women tend to shout. Some men get scared & some men don’t care.
It doesn’t affect them!
Really? Men don’t shout?
iacisrmma-“Really? Men don’t shout?”
They do; but not as much as women!
And what about those parents who beleive they can control their married children as well?
And what about those children who believe they can control their married parents?
health – men and women are equal their both people. thats the idea of feminism. you must not be a feminist. men and women scream as much as one another. it depends on the person. its one thing to be like in most families the boys are the smartest but to be like all boys are smarter than girls thats not true.
Joseph has never believed in equality.
Sparkly -“men and women scream as much as one another.”
No they don’t!! That’s the average, women more than men, whether you believe it or not.
Health – and how do you know this? wheres the statistic?
Women shout more than men because when men do it, it’s not shouting.
Sparkly -“Health – and how do you know this? wheres the statistic?”
I didn’t say I had statistical proof. This is my opinion!
Do you know the difference?
And we all know what opinions are compared to!
health – so no evidence no truth just opinion. you stated it like a fact and thats why you were arguing above with people about your opinion. if its just an opinion than dont argue it because others have their own opinion as well and will argue right back.
Sparkly -“health – so no evidence no truth just opinion. you stated it like a fact and thats why you were arguing above with people about your opinion”
Start growing up! This is an opinion site. Look around at all the posts.
But just to humor you, I did a web search!
From the UK Telegraph 2014:
“The study involves an analysis of more than 5,000 two-parent families with a view to understanding how the adult relationships affect those of their children. It throws up statistics such as this one: mothers are 16 per cent more likely than fathers to shout at their children.”
health – thats surprising you would think the opposite. that is true it is an opinion site but dont try changing other peoples opinions.
Health:
A statement like this one-
“No they don’t!! That’s the average, women more than men, whether you believe it or not.”-
doesn’t do much for your saying that it’s only an opinion.
And the statistic is interesting, though I’d want to see more of the study, but that could be adjusted for if, for example, the mother is the one more often in “parent mode” with the child.
WS -“doesn’t do much for your saying that it’s only an opinion.”
Why not? That’s my opinion on what I’ve seen! You can disagree and many here have! I have life experience, do you?
“And the statistic is interesting, though I’d want to see more of the study, but that could be adjusted for if, for example, the mother is the one more often in “parent mode” with the child”
Actually the newspaper or the study themselves try to defend it.
But the fact remains women scream more than men!
Young Girl – when I was married – I spent more time with my kids then my wife, but I hardly had to resort to yelling!
health – i have lots of life experience. also maybe thats why you got divorced like how you said when i was married because you didnt have a good enough close relationship with your wife. you cant just be a good father you need to be a good husband as well.
Health, all I was saying is that you said it in such a way that one might think that you had the force of fact behind you, so that people were a bit bewildered when you said that it was an opinion.
Sparkly -“also maybe thats why you got divorced like how you said when i was married because you didnt have a good enough close relationship with your wife.”
As far as I know, I never met you in my life! But you know that I didn’t have a close relationship with my wife?!?
Yes, I said I got divorced. So tell me how many years I was married for?!?
Maybe you misunderstood – “I spent more time with my kids then my wife,”
I spent more time with my kids – then my wife did.
health – the way you stated it was like you didnt have a good relationship with your wife.
Sparkly -“health – the way you stated it was like you didnt have a good relationship with your wife.”
“The way I stated” – what?
Are you a mind reader now?!?
health – if someone says i used to means they probably dont have that thing anymore in your situation you got divorced is what it sounded like. also everyone knows if your all in it for the kids and not for the spouse likely theyll be a divorce.
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