- This topic has 23 replies, 13 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 8 months ago by .
-
Posts
-
I would like to suggest a radical idea to ease the shidduch crisis.
Letâs be mekarev single young men of marriageable age who may possibly then marry an ffb girl.
I donât know how unusual this is but a number of years ago a friend of mine joined Partners in Torah & learned with a non religious college student on the phone for a year or 2. The young man eventually went on to Ohr Somayach in Yerushalayim & became a true ben Torah. After several years, he returned to the US & married a FFB girl & is a pillar of his community.
Iâm sure there are more young men we can be mekarev who wouldf make fine husbands to some of the many frum girls waiting for their zivug.That might also help the âtoo many Yidden donât keep the Torahâ crisis, as a side benefit.
Or, could drive some of the girls OTD.
I mean, more than we already do. It feels like we try harder with boys to drive them OTD (probably to reduce competition for paying kollels), and maybe thatâs the real problem that causes age gap.
Why would you not just aggressively try to be mekarev non-frum young women of marriageable age? Are Jewish girls who arenât frum to be ignored and not be â just as aggressively â helped in becoming Torah and Mitzvos observant?
Thatâs an obscene idea.
Maybe men can start taking 2 wives, that will also help the shidduch crisis.
How about stop talking about a phony âshidduch crisesâ , stop making young women feel like âdamaged goodsâ if they are not married by 18 or 19 yo and want to take a few years to pursue a graduate degree and career, stop creating phony and artificial environments where singles feel pressured to âconnectâ with ANYONE. Most importantly, start encouraging our young men and women to meet under normal circumstances with due deference to halacha and yiddeshe values, but otherwide engage in normal introductions, connectrions and dating the same way as the large percentage of people do.
Most importantly, start encouraging our young men and women to meet under normal circumstances with due deference to halacha and yiddeshe values
Thatâs an oxymoron.
otherwide engage in normal introductions, connectrions and dating the same way as the large percentage of people do.
Should we copy their divorce rate too?
A large percentage of people in general society live together before marriage, meet in the pizza shop, are boyfriend/girlfriend for a few years and if theyâre lucky get married before getting divorced a few years later when realizing being infatuated with each other even meeting in the pizza shop doesnât make an appropriate match.
To Daas Yochid.
You are sadly uninformedâŠ..the rate of divorce in the frum community is rising according to the JSWA statistics (I believe of 2014 or 2013 vintage)âŠâŠalso, they noted, albeit anecdotally, that there are large numbers of frum couples that stay married because they donât believe that divorce is an option for social/economic reasons and/or the virtual impossibility in some frum communities of remarriage. I personally am not sure that any of these surveys is really reliable but these absurd comparisons to âyenemâ are really inappropriate. Our shidduch structures and protocols do not provide for a more natural process of allowing young men and women to explore their options in choosing a lifetime partner to build a bayis neaman bâyisroel.
the rate of divorce in the frum community is rising according to the JSWA statistics
Compare to the non frum community.
If there were statistics for the communities that use shidduchim vs. those that donât, I would say compare them.
Yes, there are marriages that should not exist which do because of social norms. There are also many which end up being worthwhile which would have ended in other social contexts.
Weâll never have precise statistics, but Iâm quite confident that despite its flaws, our system is the best that exists.
And the JSWA doesnât have statistics. They proffered their own biased guestimates about the frum community.
The divorce rates are going up because people are trying to change the way shidduchim where done.
To address this comment of GadolHaDorah (by the way do you mean to say you are gadol HaDor or Gadol HaTorah, or is your name a combination of both, or is it just a typo?)- : âbut otherwide (sic) engage in normal introductions, connectrions (sic) and dating the same way as the large percentage of people do. â
I assume you are referring to the secular world who do not date shidduch style. When I was single, I would commiserate with a fellow single co-worker, who despite my difficulties finding a shidduch, still told me she was jealous that we had a system in place that made a priority of setting people up. In her secular circles, if you did not meet your future husband by the time you finished college, then it was really hard. She was not the type to hang out in bars, and was not interested in dating guys who wanted a girlfriend but not a wife. Note that in the secular world, there are a lot more âolder singlesâ around, and not always by choice. So as much as our system may be flawed to some degree, it is still better than the alternative.
An out of the box idea for shidduchim is for the Litvish world to adopt the Chasidish shidduch model. Beshows, shidduchim setup by the parents, extensive pre-shidduch research, young marriages, etc.
It works very well for them. Better, I might add, than our own system works for us. And it has yet to be demonstrated, as some posters here are bound to allege, that us adopting the Chasidish shidduch system wonât work out as well for us as it does for them. Despite the naysayers proffering a host of imaginative reasons why it canât work as well for us as it does for them.
My idea would be to put the responsibility on the father rather then the mother.
In my experience, getting a mother to agree to a shidduch for her son is far more difficult then getting the father to agree.
You would think it would be the reverse. After all , Iâm sure the moms didnât appreciate the degree of difficulty in getting a date when they were young.
But the reality is different. It never ceases to boggle my mind how moms consistently put a girls âprettinessâ at the top of the list, even when no one would apply that label to them.
I think men would be far more practical and âdealâ oriented.I also think that the if the olam insisted on joint/equal support, it would go a long way to putting women on a more equal footing in the process. My understanding is that this is the way it is in the chassidish velt.
Abolish the shidduch system and allow individuals to organically meet on their own.
Divorce rates are the wrong number. You should be looking at the successful marriage rate. Unfortunately, that is very difficult to calculate.
Abolish hooking up in the pizza shop, where you can get infatuated with a marriage-incompatible or wrong person, and allow everyone to have a pre-researched shidduch.
mentsch1: â You wrote: âI also think that the if the olam insisted on joint/equal support, â
Maybe we should go back to 20 or 30 years ago where in the yiddesheh velt people generally married without getting ANY support from their families.
One of the root problems is the âsupportâ system. I am not in the position to pay any support. Does that mean that my children donât deserve a shidduch because I canât pay support?
iac
you are preaching to the choir
but i am being realistic
As for support
I have known many people to solve this issue by repackaging their childrenâs money
If your daughter worked or has savings from any other place, there is no reason she needs to disclose this Simply have her give you the money and you give it back as âsupportâSaying the chasidim have a lower divorce rate than the yeshivish world is irrelevant.
What is their happiness rate is the question?
Wouldnât being allowed to marry many wives solve the shiduch crisis.. i mean rabbeinu Gershons takkanah ended not too long ago, so maybe itâs Hashems way of trying to increase the Jewish population? Chazal say that Moshiach isnât going to come untill all the souls are brought down to this world. I heard in recently that the Jewish people reaccepted the Takkana but honestly i donât know what that means
What is their happiness rate is the question?
Very happy. Happier than the average frum marriage.
Joseph: how would you know that? what is the happiness measuring stick?
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.