Opposite Gender Friendships

Aside from the Halachick issues, Issurim (if you hold that way), the entire concept is impossible.

Single Guys and Single Girls CAN NOT (not practical) be friends! All it leads to is akwardness and inner feelings being hurt.

A guy who says “my best friend is a girl”, is basically saying “I like this girl so much, but she doesn’t like me back, so we are best friends, so I can always have hope of marrying her”.

The guy who is “friends” with a girl, will ALWAYS hold out hope that they will get engaged/married to each other.

And yes the same/above applies to the girl also.

cherrybim,

at this point i dont think weiner is the best guy to call about immoral issues. he really wont be listened to as he has proved to be immoral himself.

I’m a girl and enjoyed the ladder theory idea very much.

It’s true, for the most part, although in the frum community people will generally try to avoid such situations so it doesn’t come up as much. A lot of girls are in denial about it and end up shooting themselves in the foot.

Bad idea, bad idea, bad idea.

It’s a tease and nothing more. One is inevitably more interested in the other, which leads to heartbreak. Friendship is about sharing to get close, breaking down barriers to become emotionally intimate (which can lead to physical intimacy). Anyone who denies this is in denial or in a relationship with someone who is the more interested party. It’s a modern idea that needs to be eliminated from the orthodox community.

There is only difficulties down that path. Many people have been that way and none of them were matzliach.

Okay, here’s another story to illustrate that being “friends” with a guy/girl if you’re a girl/guy does NOT exist !

My friend is very frum. I wouldn’t classify her as “yeshivish” but still doesnt-talk-to-guys frum.

In one of her classes this semester, was a yeshivish (looking) boy. (And very good looking unfortunately.) He would sit down next to her in class, come over after class and ask questions, and was, in general, making this girl think (with good reason!) than he wanted to date her. Eventually. At first my friend’s theory was that he first had to take the LSATS, and then he’d formally ask her out. I had misgivings because she was not the only girl he talked to, but didn’t want to ruin any high hopes for my friend – he was REALLY playing her emotions.

One day, they started emailing back and forth- it started off innocuous enough- about an upcoming test bla bla bla.. and ended up being used as an excuse to flirt outrageously.

My seriously shtark friend was sitting at her computer for hours on end trying to come up with funny responses to his funny responses.

One night, he ended his email with “Okay, I’m tired and cant be on my a-game anymore, layla tov!”

And he never emailed or contacted my friend again.

Who was heartbroken obviously.

And 2 months later, he’s dating someone seriously.

Honestly, generalizations across the board are difficult, but in this case- it’s just NOT worth it to start up with a a guy/girl unless you’re dating her/him.

imho.

even if you know that it defies all logic and makes no sense but there’s still a drive from both sides so its hard

Yes, everyone here is right that a guy and a girl of marriageable age shouldn’t try to JUST be friends, because it probably wont work. But if I may make a “bold”, or crazy,(depends how you take it) statement: I think this is mostly true for people that have grown up not talking to or being friends with the opposite sex. For them, suddenly having a “friend” of the opposite sex will almost never stay as just a friend, because they wont really have boundaries since they lack familiarity with such a relationship. But I think for people who have grown up having friends of the opposite sex, I can see it being perfectly fine to continue friendships even at a marriageable age. It might even help in finding him or her a shidduch, since a friend might know someone. But since I can assume most people here are of the former group (Not having those types of friendships), I wouldn’t advise to start having them now. Bad idea. (As bortez’s example clearly illustrates.)

MiddlePath:

The people who had opposite gender friends their whole life generally have a lot more problems (read: issurim) then the people who never had opposite gender friends.

Chein: I respectfully disagree.

adorable, Actually, no. I am saying this based on the community I grew up in, the schools I’ve attended, and the friends I’ve had. I, personally, didn’t have too many friends that were girls, and now, I also don’t. But most of my “guy” friends have plenty, and just about all of them are wonderful, responsible, mature, and all of their friendships with girls (except for one guy who is dating a long-time friend) are just friendships. I honestly don’t see anything coming from it. But that’s just for people who have grown up that way. I think for people who haven’t, it’s a bad idea to start it now. I’m not saying growing up with opposite sex friendships is right or wrong (I happen to think it depends on a lot of things), I’m just saying that continuing those friendships won’t hurt nearly as much as starting new ones with people who have never had such friendships.

middle- I agree that its much worse to start now and it is much more natural when ur friends for years but

http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/coffeeroom/topic/rav-moshe-feinstein-prohibition-of-social-dating

Boys and girls who break this Halacha and are boyfriend and girlfriend should not be allowed to marry just like we don’t allow a man who cheats with a married woman to marry her after her divorce. And if they do get married, they should be forced to divorce, just like the other relationship that began without kedusha.

That’s a good idea. Why don’t you tell Hashem that, and maybe next time He creates a world, He’ll put that in the Torah.

(Or tell the chachamim and maybe next time they have an anshei knesses hagdola, they’ll make that gzeirah.)

actually tosafos in yevamos 24B says it is a mizva to marry her of “vi’lo si’he le’isha”

guys- what about once your married? is it ok then?

to Mz. adorable:

I believe that one can be “friendly” without being friends, but only with Jews. Non-Jews you can be more friendly/friends, because there is always that natural distinction/separation.

However, know yourself, and get hadracha that is tailored to you and your own Yetzer.

im asking if a single girl can be just friends with a married guy or does it also not work then

IMHO, bad idea.

dont worry hes been cheating her for a while and she cheats him too…

Two wrongs dont make a right!

I had a bf and it almost destroyed me.. at first i thought its only talking/texting.. big deal . But i realized my mistake a bit too late it DOES NOT end there. It is a Very Dangerous situation to get into!!

are you engaged?

tracht: You are engaged and falling into this with someone else?

Adorable

“dont worry hes been cheating her for a while and she cheats him too…”

1. You are playing around with the issur of aishes ish. One is supposed to allow themselves to be killed rather than committing adultery.

2. What goes around comes around. If you do this sin, you will be ruining your life and you will probably have a hard time finding anyone to marry and if you do get married I can almost guarantee you that you will not have Shalom Bayis and your husband will probably break your heart and cheat on you.

Run away from such sins. Stay far far away from opposite gender friendships. It ALWAYS ends badly.

tracht gut,

Than make up your mind to only freely speak/communicate with your fiance/husband and no other man. If you have to speak sometimes speak only with other men as needed and no more, and only as many words as needed and no more.