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Is there any problems with older guys ( 26 years +) dating younger girls?
If the girl seems mature for her age is there any reason to say no to a suggestion of someone older?
I think it is nuts that older guys are still looking for 18 and 19 year old girls or girls who just got back from seminary. They have absolutely nothing in common. It shows a lack of maturity in those boys if they need someone that young. AND young girls are 100 percent discouraged from going out with someone more than 3 years their senior. Again for the same reasons, they are on a different wave length and they have nothing in common with them.
At that stage of life, every year makes a big difference in maturity and life experience. A 26 year old guy is not the same as a 22 year old or even a 23 year old. So for reference sake you should know that an 18 year old girl is no where near the maturity level of a 23 year old. So a 26 year old guy should be looking in the pool of 23 year old girls and leave the 18 year old kids to the 21 -23 year old guys.
I wonder if there are any divorce statistics by age.
Sometimes a 27 year old guy and a 19 year old girl are on the same maturity level. Guys are not expected to grow up as fast are girls are. It is common for a 23-24 year old guy to have no plans for his future. So if a guy is a late bloomer and only matures at 27, he is perfect for a 19 year old who also just matured recently!
26-ers, stick with girls closer to your own age. Certainly not younger than 22 or 23 years old. Leave the younger girls to the much younger guys. What Aries said is absolutely true.
There is nothing wrong with it. MANY older guys marry younger girls. Always been that way. The Chazon Ish (or perhaps it was the Steipler) said they should though be within 10 years of each others age, as a general rule.
No problem at all. If it’s not a problem with her parents,
or her, or the guy, It’s definitely not anyone elses problem
or business. I find that no normal guy that I know, that is 26 +
wants a girls under 21. Although they tend to be more mature than
guys, there’s a limit. Unless the guy is 10yrs + older than girl.
Which is a very unusual unless in itself unless the guy is
wealthy. Then all seem to be ok with that. Go figure!
Most people’s reaction if the gap is more than ten years & the person is over 30’s is that it is creepy.
If the girl and guy are okay with it, who cares? (Besides AZ who’s gonna start with the age gap.)
dunno, “If the girl and guy are okay with it, who cares? (Besides AZ who’s gonna start with the age gap”.
How about the undersigned Gedolim and last but not least Hashem. Marrying a girl similar in age isnt one of the clearly stipulated 613, but is a definite help towards easing the Crisis.
Ofcourse
So if a guy and girl think they’re perfect for each other they shouldn’t go ahead with the shidduch because they wouldn’t help in easing the shidduchim “crisis”?
I see nothing wrong with women marrying older men, provided they are women, not girls.
dunno, “So if a guy and girl think they’re perfect for each other…”
Aren’t we on Yeshiva World where most if not all Shidduchim come about through hundreds Shadchanim who each have lists of hundreds of singles? Shouldnt the Shadchanim first attempt to suggest girls closer in age? Unless we’re dealing with one of those pitiful guys who have already exhausted 200+ girls and arent attracted, most will find a girl closer in age attractive, unless they “meet someone at the office…”. They then wont have to resort to dating much younger girls. Unless the guy specifically wants to rob the cradle, with that being part of their “Trophy Shidduch”.
nothing wrong with a 10 yr age difference. main thing is they should understand, love and respect each otehr.
I know of at least 6 frum couples who are 10 years apart and are
happily married. Three of the couples are married over 20 years and there are 3 who were married in the last few years. If I put my mind to it, I can come up with more couples I know with that age gap…..and the age gap at time of these marriages was the girl was 19-20 and the guy 29-30. So if the Shidduch is
right…go for it!
If it goes it goes! I don’t see any problem.
“but is a definite help towards easing the Crisis.”
The only thing that will “ease the Crisis” is when people stop w their stupidities and Shadchanim start doing their jobs. Age gap has nothing to do w it, so if a 26+ year old guy wants to marry an 18 year old it should be with mazal.
Dunno, in rare cases a big age gap works. Nowadays, it causes more problems than it’s worth, and guys who are older should not specifically be looking at girls so much younger. Yes there are very mature girls, but no 20 year old girl is generally going to be emotionally mature enough for a guy 10 years older (notwith-standing the Steipler or Chazon Is ZT”L, who lived in a very different time than that of today’s youth). Even 4 years AT THIS POINT can be a real issue, and I would have to question the maturity of the BOY.
Dont bring the chazon ish or even the steipler into this. Questions like these are time-sensitive & should be asked of gedolim of our generation. But it certainly makes sense not to l’chatchila look for a girl/guy who is so much younger/older for many reasons, some of which are mentioned above eg maturity gap, shiduch crisis etc.
It doesnt suprise me that many bachurim dont see the problem here at all.
However, if in the individual circumstances someone knows both parties and feels that is a passendig shiduch, then to say they shouldnt ‘red’ it at all and should forget it completely just because of the age gap is also wrong.
I am not very impressed with the amount of negativity towards men being displayed here.
I realize that fate has put you in a disadvantage in the shidduch world, but you have allowed your emotions to completely devour your rational thought.
I am always amazed how people want black and white, one-size-fits-all answers for everything. Obviously it depends on the couple.
My grandfather z”l was 17 years older than my grandmother a”h and they were happily married for many years! But this doesn’t mean that I recommend bochrim should start dating kindergartners!
according to halacha it fine, according to social standars i thing the age gap at that level is too much. the difference between a 18 yr old and 26 is huge. not so for a 35 and 27 yr old…
Barauch Hashem 2 less single people to worry about getting married!!!!!!
The reason older men frequently marry younger women is because they have chiyuv to have children (whether or not they already have some it is still a mitzvah).
Ofcourse
No one’s saying shadchanim shouldn’t try girls closer in age to the guy. But if the guy is a few years older and it works, good for them.
oomis1105
I don’t think it’s a timing thing. I know of several couples today who are 5+ years apart and B”H have beautiful marriages.
When you are talking about older men and older women it is not an issue. But when you are talking 18, & 19 year old girls and older guys it is an issue. I know of these glick shidduchim who made it as far as 3 weeks before the wedding when both parties realized they had nothing in common and called it off. So we can all pull something out of our memories whether it worked on not, but it is not a good idea to begin with.
When you are talking about girls in their upper 20’s and boys in their 30’s they are both on a different level already and in a different maturity phase and life experience phase and age shouldn’t make that much of a difference at that point.
I’ve B”H seen many succesful marriages between a approx. 20 yr old kallah and 30 something chosson.
Sacrilege:
“the only thing that will ease the crisis is when Shadchanim start doing their jobs”
harsh words indeed for someone not on your or anyones payroll
please explain that statement….
What about for older singles. How do they feel about it? It seems to me that with the shidduch crisis and the difficulty in finding guys to date that women should be more open about age gaps. Are they?
How young can I guy date? There is supposed to be a the rule of thumb. It goes like this. A guy can date a girl half his age plus 7; so an 22 year old can date a 19 year old, a 28 year old can date a 21 year old and a 36 year old can date a 25 year old.
age equals mind over matter….if u dont mind, it doesnt matter.
Hmmm. Half plus 7.
74 year old man can date 44 year old woman.
14 year old boy can date 14 year old girl.
8 year old boy can date 11 year old girl.
divorced guy, i like your math. very clever and i agree with it too.
Nothing wrong with it. I know many, many couples 10 plus years apart and happily married. My parents are 10 years apart. My brother and his wife are also 10 years apart. My husband is 7 years older then me. Actually I find the older boys to be more established and settled.( they are working)
AZ
We arent going to agree because I’ve read your posts and frankly dont agree w you on… well, everything.
All I hear is Shadchanim are overworked underpaid and under appreciated. Do you want to know how I feel about that? If you cant handle the heat, get outta the kitchen!
The amount of Shadchanim that actually are “in it” for the mitzvah are few, the rest do it as a job and treat it as such, treating girls like merchandise and wont hesitate to bad mouth a “competitor” to push their “product”.
Do you think I am over reacting? I’m not. This story is personal.
A more important question: why are there so many guys who remain immature into their late ’20s? If a 26 year old man (not a *boy*, a *man*) is on the same maturity level as a 19-20 year old girl then he has got some very serious problems and shouldn’t be getting married at all until he gets his head on straight, peferably with some professional help.
Another angle: women significantly outlive men of the same age. A man who marries a woman 15 years younger than he is will leave her a widow for at least 20 years. And, if they have children, most likely she will be left with the youngest one or two to marry off. That isn’t romantic at all, that’s just cruel selfishness, both to the woman and to the man’s own children.
You go Sac!
Sac
Well said.
Sac, you obviously have a dislike for all/most Shadchanim. So do I! Especially the ones who mistreated me or my children! I hate them, hate them, hate them! Im sure there are those who hate me… What can I say?!? It’s a thankless job, in cases where you havent hit it right, and that’s unfortunately most cases….People feel if the Shadchanim only tried harder they’d be married, it’s the Shadchanim’s fault.
Now, please take out your magic wand, Sac. Let’s eliminate every single of the lousy Shadchanim (including myself). Let’s get them out of the picture. Done. Now, how would you suggest singles in the frum community meet, starting today?
Divorced_Guy – Forget the plus 7. I’ll stick to half my age.
Midwest2 –
Another angle: women significantly outlive men of the same age. A man who marries a woman 15 years younger than he is will leave her a widow for at least 20 years.These are the women who cause the early demise of the man. My grandfather outlived my grandmother by a few years and he was sick first. And they were the same age. There are good women out there.
Divorced guy – if you are 36, I sincerely hope you are not trying to date girls in their early-mid twenties. And just to let you know, many girls, aged 25-28, whom I know personally, who go to Singles events, DETEST it when divorced guys in the 36-40 group hit on them. They are too polite to say, “go away and pick on someone your own age,” but that is exactly what they are thinking. It totally creeps them out that a guy that much older than they, is trying to get their number.
Nothing wrong with a guy marrying a girl half his age. Don’t be jealous of those lucky guys.
Ofcourse: “Now, how would you suggest singles in the frum community meet, starting today?”
With friends and family as shadchanim, like most people do and the vast majority of shidduchim come from.
many girls, aged 25-28, whom I know personally, who go to Singles events, DETEST it when divorced guys in the 36-40…
Just what is odd about a 36 year old man dating a 28 year old girl?
OOmis – I haven’t addressed you in a long time, but since when is it now taboo for an older guy to try and get a date with a younger woman? In my opinion, it’s polite to say to the guy -“No thank you”. This is the preferred torah way. Instead of detesting other Jews, it’s more polite to say no and not be Oiver “Lo sisna”. They wouldn’t be so disgusted if they immediately let the other party know the score. They wouldn’t bottle up their bad feelings. It would bother them a second with a “Eew”, and then they would forget about it. Your definition of being polite, only causes the male to keep trying, and then this causes the female to build up more resentment.
Health, you wrote:
“These are the women who cause the early demise of the man. My grandfather outlived my grandmother by a few years and he was sick first. And they were the same age. There are good women out there.”
Just to clarify, are you saying that any woman who outlives a husband of similar age caused him to die?
Gabboim: “With friends and family as shadchanim, like most people do and the vast majority of shidduchim come from”.
Fellow posters, is that realistic (eliminating Shadchanim and relying on friends and family)?
No way, no how!!!
sac: funny you write that….
here are excerpts from a shadchan’s response to someone who recently had that same comment. ….
for the record this shadchan is a saint, as 98% of the shadchanim that I have come in contact with over the last few years- she makes around 8-9 shidduchumim a year)
I am so upset I don’t know where to begin. There was so much wrong in what you wrote.
If I told you what my day was like you wouldn’t believe it.
Reality is when I can’t go on a out for a Sunday outing with my kids because I have too many people waiting for my calls to many dates to follow up to many mothers counting on me to set up their daughters.
Reality is when I can’t speak to my own married kids for days on end because I can’t manage a break to fit them in.
Reality is when hours go by and I haven’t gotten up from my chair, haven’t eaten, haven’t made supper for my children.
Reality is when my phone rings all evening and my kids after school have to help with the phones.
Reality is when I can’t go out with my friends for lunch, can’t talk to my friends on the phone and can’t share in their lives because I’m helping strangers who came to me for shidduchim.
Reality is when a whole day goes by and my husband wonders am I still alive because he can’t get thru.
Reality is rushing thru homework/ supper so I can meet the girls that are begging to be met in the evening when the are avail.
Reality is going to a melave malka, bar mitzvah,bris and missing most of it because your either texting or talking abt some shidduch that’s ongoing and needs your attention that minute.
Reality is going to bed with a stomach ache knowing how many people are counting on you and wondering how you will possibly manage to get to everyone.
Do u think its fun going to a wedding and not taking a seat. Why should people pay for me when I barely can sit down. I miss my chance to catch up with friends at a wedding.
Does anyone ever ask me if I had a chance to eat??
NEVER
everyone feels I should just be available to talk to them since I’m there anyhow.
Sac: I guess you must deal with other shadchanim
I’m curious what kind of “job” you talk about, when you say shadchanim do it as a job??
The pay certainly stinks. The typical extremely busy shadchan makes MAYBE 10 shidduchim a year and max from both sides totals 3k per shidduch (which almost never happens). That’s a lousy 3Ok for a year. That is most certainly NOT worth the bother it takes.
Ofcourse
The way you choose to read my post is up to you.
It is very clear from my wording that I have a problem with Shadchanim who treat girls like merchandise. I never said I have a problem w Shadchanim who “havent hit it right” as you put it. It is those Shadchanim that should be applauded! The ones that keep trying, even though they may not have gotten it right on the first few tries. The Shadchanim who care enough to return calls and emails. The ones who realize that being single is hard enough without making you feel like they are doing you the worlds biggest favor by speaking to you, these are Shadchanim deserving the title Shadchan.
The people who tell you to leave messages on their machines only to get the recording that the mailbox is full. The people that you have to call every day for three months until you get an appointment and when you are *granted* 10 minutes of their time 8 of them are spent dealing with XY & Z. The ones that label a girls worth by her fathers bank account. The ones who’d rather make a “quality” shidduch. The ones who charge up front.
These arent Shadchanim these are Business Men/Woman who are working in the matchmaking industry, because lets face it, if youre good there is money to be made.
So dont tell me its thankless and youre overworked, because thats your job. Most people in America will tell you that they feel under appreciated and under compensated at work, but this is the profession you chose.
Wow, you have really taken on a hot topic! But simply put, to me, it is your motive. Why? If your answer for dating someone so much younger is something you hesitate to post; then it is obvious you are wrong for doing so.
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