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My parents do not want me marrying someone learning full time and I want someone learning full time. Not only do they not want me marrying someone learning full time they also do not want me getting married until I am at least 25 – 30. My question is how do I go on the road alone of shidduchim? Is it okay for me under these circumstances to go behind my parents back and find a guy without my parents? How would the shadchanim view this?
Speak to a Rav/Rebbetzin/mentor. If you don’t have one, try to find one, preferably before you start going out.
1) This is an issue which is a daily occurrence amongst many people.
2) This is a question for your [LOR] rabbi &/or mentor to deal with {& it shan’t be 1st time they handle this very question}
3) 5th commandment which we read as recently as this morning, does not mean that parents can you hold you back from a Shidduch you wish to marry.
However:- Can you go it alone without thy parents’ money? if this is what transpires if becomes necessary to move ahead without your parents’ benedictions.
Getting a rav and/or rebbetzin to help is good. You’ll have an adult and authority in your corner.
I don’t know but there must be a shadchan or shadchanit who has handled this type of situation before and can help you assert yourself in the process.
Maybe you can be honest with her. Tell her what you want. Ultimately it’s your decision and your life.
Many parents want something different for their children. Another person’s parents might want them to marry now and not wait and hopefully that person is telling the shadchan how he/she really feels.
Some parents want a learning boy for their daughter and their daughter doesn’t want that.
You’re not the first or only girl in this situation where your parents want something else for you.
Remember that… The shadchan or shadchanit works for you. Imho you want someone who you can be honest and open with, and someone that you trust to help you navigate this.
I’m totally inexperienced when it comes to shadchanim though. And this is me telling you my perspective based on life and having someone help you find your beshert.
You need one in Lakewood?
147 – good points. I would just add though, that Kibud Av v’aim and money are not the only issues here. It’s the emotional and relationship issues that would concern me the most:
1. How will this affect your relationship with your parents? What can you do to make sure that it doesn’t have a negative affect? What should you say to them?
2. How will going against your parents affect you emotionally (even if technically kibud av v’eim doesn’t apply in this case)? What can you do to make sure that it doesn’t affect you negatively?
3. How difficult will it be too get married without your parents’ emotional support? How can you find a way to manage? Do you have another support system in place before you get married? Marriage is hard. Shana Rishona is hard. You need to have some kind of support system in place BEFORE you get married.
4. Are you really ready to get married? If you have some kind of mentor, they might be able to help you answer that question.
5. Is there someone who can give you advice before or during the dating process?
Bottom line, as I wrote above and as 147 wrote, you may need some kind of Rav/Rebbetzin/mentor before you start dating.
What did I suggest that didn’t work?
At the risk of sounding like a broken record (if you know what that is), I think before you go shadchanim hunting, you need to find a rav/rebbitzin/mentor. Someone familiar with the shidduch process and who knows you, who not only will help you figure out who you need, and coach you thru the dating process, but can also handle the shidduchim for you. While a 20 yr old can talk to shadchanim on her own, shidduchim is a difficult process. Are you going to be able to handle checking out prospective shidduchim, calling up roshei yeshiva and friends of the boy? Will you know what sort of question to even ask? A shidduch mentor is also an advocate, can field the suggestions from the shadchan, spare you a lot of the frustration that comes with dating- the things a parent would normally do. I think you really need to find someone who will fill that role for you, because it is very difficult for anyone to handle this on her own.
I don’t think you should follow anyone else’s advice here (who tell you to confide in a Rebbitzen, Rav or mentor). I think you should ask me. And I’d tell you, of course, to confide and seek counsel of a Rav, Rebbitzen of mentor who knows you.
Rebshidduch – I don’t think you should follow my advice. I think you should listen to LF instead. After all, unlike me, he has a chiyuv to learn Torah, so he must know more Torah than I do. Also, he has more daas than I do.
Oh wait, but if you don’t listen to me, you won’t listen to him, so that’s no good….
Rebshidduch, the reason I asked you what advice I gave previously that didn’t work was because it will help me to figure out what advice to give now.
The truth is that I’m not sure I can help you to get a mentor. It is very hard to do these things over an anonymous website where no one can speak too freely. I have tried before and not been successful. And apparently I tried with you as well.
I don’t know where you live or who you are or where you go to school, etc. And you can’t give me too much information.
What you need is someone who can give you advice about getting a mentor, but someone with whom you can talk more freely and they can speak to you more freely. Maybe there is another trustworthy online source where you have that option. I don’t mean a chatroom.
I am thinking of some kind of Frum website which has people (preferably experts) whom you can ask advice from on a one-on-one level. Maybe you can write to one of Aish.com’s advice columns. Or maybe you can write to the Yated’s Shidduch roundtable.
If none of those work, maybe you can find something similar. Or maybe you have a friend or teacher in real life whom you can ask about this (how to find someone to talk to). And truthfully, if you have no one in real life whom you are comfortable asking such a question to, then maybe you need to work on building such connections before you are ready to think of getting married.
Marriage is wonderful (so I’ve been told), but it’s hard work, especially at the beginning. You need a support system before you get married, imho.
I’m sorry I can’t help you further. But I really hope that you find someone who can.
Have you considered going to seminary or taking classes in a seminary? In a seminary, you would have opportunities to find Rebbeim or Rebbetzins or teachers whom you can connect with. Either they can be your mentors or they can help you to find one.
I don’t know where you are located, but if it’s realistic, have you tried Ohr Nava? I think that might be a great place for you.
edited. It is not advisable to recommend websites that you do not know to be safe.
Rebshidduch: Asked my LOR for you (20yo girl needs a shadchan in Lakewood and wants to marry a learning/kollel boy).
Also gave him the link to this thread for reference.
This evening he told me that he’s working on it and will have a name and contact info for you soon B”H.
When I hear back I’ll pass the info on to you asap 🙂
Chances are it won’t go through…
can’t imagine it would be too hard for rebshidduch to find shadchanim in lakewood who work with 20 year old girls looking for learning boys….
Then do some action yourself rebshidduch! Go find an LOR to ask! Lightbright, you are from lakewood?
“because I do not want to go thru a site like YWN to find a shidduch, no thank you. “
So why all the shidduch questions here?
I think LB was trying to find you a shadchan/contacts, not a boy to date.
I don’t recall ever posting boys names, or anyone else ever doing so, and as I already told you I am unfortunately not familiar with today’s shadchanim in Lakewood.
“Winnie, then please post names of shadchanim and not boys names.”
Rebshidduch, the Mod already said that she probably won’t let it go through
“Lilmod, if that is true, do you think I would get redt by at least 1 of the 4 shadchanim?”
I have no idea. I don’t know enough about it. But I have heard that the well-known shadchanim in Lakewood get hundreds of emails a day. So it’s hard to imagine that they are able to set everyone up.
I’m guessing that you might be better off with less-well-known shadchanim or shadchanim outside of Lakewood.
But I don’t know enough about it, so I don’t want you to rely on me. Maybe try one of them, and ask him/her if he thinks he would have anyone for you, and what he thinks your best bet is in terms of shadchanim who would be able to help you (if he doesn’t think he can).
I didn’t say you shouldn’t. I just said you might want to try non-Lakewood shadchanim.
rebshidduch: My rabbi is finding a shadchan for you in Lakewood.
You don’t have to call the shadchan if you don’t want. I don’t even have the contact info yet. He’s still asking rabbis he knows for a reputable one in Lakewood who can help you.
Anyway… will let you know.
WinnieThePooh: Thanks for explaining 🙂
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