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What is the proper way to be menachem avail for a friend who is sitting too far away to make a shiva call? I heard of the petira via e-mail (from a relative of one of the availim). ) Is it proper to write a condolence letter via e-mail or is it preferable to call?
Call. More personal.
If it were me, I would prefer a phone call. When we were sitting Shiva for my mother A”H, people also MAILED us letters!(I know. So 70s) But they were beautiful letters, and we kept them. When I sat Shiva for my brother A”H 2 years ago, I got a lot of phone calls. Sometimes it was inconvenient to speak on the phone, so they left me a message. I appreciated it.
I asked a shailah, because I thought they could not talk on the phone (they can). So I call, and say exactly what I would if I were there in person. I also ask if they have people with them, ebcause if so, I don’t want to take their time when people are trying to be menacheim aveil, so in that case, I will make the call very quick, and often follow it with a more extensive condolence letter that week.
definitely call. sometimes the avail has a housefull of pple and cannot speak at lenghth. tell her you are thinking of her and after shiva call back and see how they are doing. the hardest time is after shiva when life tries to return to normal.
I always thought one was not supposed to initiate conversation with a mourner. How is that possible with a phone call?
You start by identifying yourself, and wait for the avel to respond. When the conversation stops (or if the avel doesn’t respond), you say “Hamokom yenachem”.
Rabbi Doniel Yehuda Neustadt dicusses this (“The Weekly Halachah Discussion” vol.1 pg. 43-44). Rambam based on the Gemara (Moed Katan 21b) says that there are two facets to nichum aveilim: comforting the mourners and elevating the neshama of the niftar. Rav Moshe (Iggerot Moshe Orech Chaim 4:40:11) rules that a phone call neither elelvates the neshama nor shows proper honor to the mourners (although Rabbi Neustadt feels that if the caller is an honorable – I think he means important – person even a phone call shows honor to them). Thus it is preferable to go in person but if there is a valid reason for not going a phone call is still in order. While the mourner may answer the call he may not talk about other matters or ask about the caller’s welfare.
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