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To avoid the “Slow down” and “Duplicate topic” errors, I’ll rewrite the content in a more concise and unique way while retaining all the key points. Here’s a revised version:
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I want to share some thoughts on the shidduch crisis, especially in our community where men are encouraged to learn Torah full-time, supported by women who work or receive family help. Dating works like a marketplace: people assess what they offer and what they seek in a partner. Men who are committed to Torah, emotionally mature, and share values are in high demand, as are women who are kind, family-oriented, and supportive. But not everyone fits these ideals, leading to mismatches. For example, a woman in her late 20s might struggle because men her age often prefer younger women, while a man learning Torah full-time but lacking financial backing might be overlooked.
A major issue is how men and women’s value changes over time. Men gain value as they age due to increased Torah knowledge and life experience, while women’s traditional value—linked to youth, beauty, and childbearing—declines. This means older women may need to adjust expectations, while men often don’t face the same pressure. Younger women are seen as more attractive, but older women can still find matches if they focus on shared values and emotional compatibility.
The current approach encourages men to start dating earlier and women to start later to balance the age gap. While this helps with demographics, it doesn’t address unrealistic expectations. For instance, women waiting for a man who is both a full-time learner and financially supported might miss out on a kind, compatible match. Similarly, men seeking a “perfect” wife might overlook someone caring and aligned with their goals. This approach also ignores the diversity within our community, where some rabbis support organizations like WZO while others don’t, showing the need for tailored solutions.
Materialism makes things worse. Extravagant weddings, luxury lifestyles, and societal pressures have shifted priorities, making dating more about appearances than values. This leaves many struggling to meet unrealistic standards, pushing singles to chase superficial traits rather than meaningful connections.
To fix this, we need a community-wide effort. Rabbis and leaders should teach this mindset in schools and organize events to promote realistic expectations. By focusing on shared values, mutual respect, and emotional compatibility, we can create a healthier dating culture. Additionally, as singles age, they often become more selective, narrowing their options. Both men and women must recognize that being overly selective based on past experiences can hinder finding a meaningful relationship. Instead, they should prioritize core values and give potential matches a fair chance.
By addressing these issues, we can move away from superficiality and materialism, focusing on what truly matters: building relationships based on shared values and mutual respect. This is how we can solve the shidduch crisis and create a brighter future for our community.
Older single in Shidduchim.
we cannot do anything without Daas Torah as they know what is best.
Before you make suggestions to fix a problem, I would suggest you define the problem. When you do define the source of the problem as an uneven number of boys and girls in the parsha due to vast differences in the ages of their marrying couple by population growth, you will realize that all of these feel good answers although all beautiful in concept will not affect a solution to this problem. If there are more girls in the parsha how will changing expectations get them all married. The solution has nothing to do with expectation, level of religiosity, or any other factor short of changing the dynamic to ensure boys and girls are marrying closer in age so that there are equal amounts of both of them. It is really important to understand the root cause of any problem before offering solutions. It is however a noble idea that you say in any case.
After the Holocaust, the criteria upon which to redt a shidduch was basically male observant jew and female observant jew. This wonderful approach helped rebuild klal yisroel. It was also a recognition of real facts on the ground. If there “aren’t enough” boys that fit a very specific checklist, perhaps expand the criteria a little?
I wish there was something scientific about the collection of data being used to fuel the discussion about the “shidduch crisis”. Meanwhile, we do have lots of singles seeking shidduchim. But the numbers do not suggest anything useful unless they sample adequately with proper controls. And nothing to date meets that criteria. To me, there is one single, then another, and another….. Each one may be tragic, but that is independent of all the others. And the remedy for this is to address the particular obstacles that we can find concerning the shadchanus process. Lumping these many people together and believing we are applying statistics correctly is useless. And this is being fed to our Gedolim, who despite their erudition and superb scholarship, even brilliance, they are unable to offer anything useful to mitigate the situation.
I suggest we stop viewing this as a crisis, and we let our Gedolim return to the vast amount of other issues that the Klal faces. I am not minimizing the number of singles, nor am I belittling their misery. I just feel we are looking at this all wrong, and that makes it impossible to fix anything.
I wonder if daas torah can repeal the cherem of rabeinu gershom
Neharda: They can. In fact, the only reason it still applies today is not because of R”G. R”G put an expiration date on the Cherem. The Rabbonim at the time it expired decided to extend it. Similarly, they could now decide it outlived its usefulness and today Klal Yisroel needs plural marriage, again.
ujm:
I hear your push for plural marriage. But I think that idea is pathetic. Perhaps, in earlier times, marriage was a valued commodity. As precious as it was seen, the idea of increasing the simchas hachayim was rational. And if implemented correctly, to insure that the parallel wives were not צרות זו לזו, it might even work well. But in today’s world, that is a fantasy. The public sees marriage as disposable, with little being done to preserve it. Small spats get enhanced by meddling families, sometimes even therapists, askanim, and rabbonim who project their lofty ideals, assist in the ending of a marriage. As they say, gittin has become an industry, and keep various people employed.
But someone, who was quite wise said, “I have trouble enough trying to manage and keep shalom bayis with one wife, now I should try it with two?” All we would get with your idea is additional strife. Better idea, love your wife, cherish her, recognize her as your shlaimus, and laugh together a lot. Competition is good for certain things. It is destructive for others. Here it would be a recipe for disaster.
TLIK: I don’t think anyone would promote wholesale plural marriage for everyone. Rather, for a select few capable (emotionally and financially) individuals. In fact, even when we still actively had plural marriage it was never for the masses. (Mathematically it simply couldn’t be. And the vast majority of both men and women wouldn’t even want it for themselves, for reasons you pointed out above.)
But if the Age Gap Theory, which seemingly has been accepted as real by a number of Rabbonim, is valid then a small number of rabbinically-approved plural marriages can quickly fix the issue of older women (girls) who ran out of having a potential marriage partner.
It worked for thousands of years and doesn’t have to work for everyone but the few it would work with would do wonders for a new idea for the shidduch crises on top of lowering home values in the frum community and as well as lowering tution costs by bringing in a third income or not paying for babysitting as one wife can work and the other stay at home.
TLIK,
Please cut Joseph some slack. He has this weird fetish fantasy that he’s married to multiple women.
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