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officer,I swear to drunk I’m not G-D!!
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my neighbor… Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
I hate atoms, they make up everything!
aproudbyg im sorry for posting it, i really wasnt sure if i should, i guess i was silly(im trying 2 not use the word stupid) enough for doing it and it really is my fault!! im really sorry everyone if i offended you!! i really should be watching my mouth and thnx byg 4 pointing it put 2 me!!!
lol guys!!!! yekke- ur funnnyyyy!!
@Yekke2 I thought it went something like this: why can’t you trust atoms? Cause they make up everything.
ok heres one-i hope its good!!
It was Bob’s wife’s birthday the next day and his wife said to bob for my bday i want you to get me a gift that goes to 0-160 in 6 seconds! the next day, his wife is all excited shes gona get her present! Bob hands her a box. she opens it and finds a brand new bathroom scale.
mitzvhagirl613-no worries,really:) its a funny joke really,i just want those who read it to relize its funny for a reason,and just becarful when they say it to others,please dont feel bad tonz of people do it all the time! i dont blame you in teh least i know you where just trying to give a laugh
In Judaism there are 4 types of fish: Gefilte Fish, Salmon, Whitefish and Litvish. Gefilte Fish goes onto the stove, Salmon goes into the oven, whitefish goes into the fridge and Litvish goes into the freezer.
Paddy walks into a pub and orders 4 pints of beer. He explains to the barman that he used to have a drink together with his three brothers, but now they have all gone their separate ways. To keep up the tradition, however, they would still order drinks for each other. This becomes a regular practice and the barman gets used to Paddy ordering 4 pints every time.
One day, Paddy comes in and orders only 3 pints.
“I’m very sorry to hear,” says the barman.
“What do you mean?” asks Paddy.
“I thought maybe one of your brothers had passed away, since you only ordered 3 pints,” explains the barman.
“Oh no!” says Paddy, “everyone is fine! I’ve given up drinking…”
i made these up myself!
1.what do tradition soups and cellphones have in common?
the msg! 🙂
2. when do you stop at green and go at red?
when your txting! 🙂
notasheep- lol.
Saw it years ago in the rd. thanx for reminding
what is it when red means go, yellow means slow down and green means stop?
watermelon! 🙂
i dont get ur joke aproudbyg and ur 2nd joke YW fan!!!!!! im sooooo slowwww!!!!!!! Helppppp
READ ALOUD
Sarah saw her friend Reesa was feeling a bit down. So she sent her a page with ten puns.No pun intended.
mitzvahgirl613- the part you eat of watermelon is red,when you get to the yellow part you slow down eating,when you get to the green rine you stop
tjikpashut- sorry, don’t get it
A policeman pulled me over and said, “Do you know why I pulled you over?” I said, “You should really ask a psychic!”
talmud- no pun intended= no pun in ten did
yw fan- cute 🙂
Sorry talmud,I skipped a line
READ ALOUD
Sarah saw her friend Reesa feeling a bit down. So she sent her a page of TEN puns to cheer her up.
No pun intended.[sounds like..no pun in 10,did{cheer her up}]
Officer I’ll walk in a straight line if you straighten it out.
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Son,don’t become a drunk ,cuz if you do you’ll see four people there instead of two.
But Dad there’s only one there!
mitzvahgirl613, ummmmmm usually people don’t want to text while they drive, right? So they go/start texting when the light is red and they stop texting (cuz they need to drive) when the light turns green! 🙂 Did you get my first joke?
I’m going to Passover that hotel this year. I already seder last year, and haggadah try something new. I’m leaning towards staying home instead of choosing to sell-a-bread and enjoy Pesach elsewhere. I’m not bitter that it will be marror work. Please dip-end on us for a meal, but don’t plague me too much or there will be ‘ten’sion. My children simply don’t know good and evil; keeping them free from trouble is like splitting the sea.
yw fan i got it now!!! thnx sooo much 4 the explanation!!!! those were goooddd jokes!!!!! lol and ya i got the 1st 1!!!
y did the piece of gum cross the road?
bc it was attached to the chickens foot!!!!
I actually have something serious to say. Sechoik vekalus roish, margilin es haodom leervah
thanks talmud! Paddy is always good for an Irish joke
Git Meshige- So as soon as you saw the word ‘Joke’ in the thread title, you should have abstained.
In Europe many years ago, the Kaiser Franz Joseph wanted to know how come the Jews are always so up to date on the news and know everything almost as soon as it happens. He calls in a small town Rav who tells him that the Yidden get their special knowledge from going to the Mikveh in the morning. The next day, he disguises himself and heads to the Mikveh. He toivels and dries off, but no knowledge seems to come to him. As he’s getting dresses on the bench, the guy next to him says “Nu, du hut geherdt? Der Kaiser kimpt!”
talmud, +1!
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
…I’ll tell you the answer to that tomorrow…
notasheep – I’m waiting…
An archaeology student on a dig in Gaza runs into his professor’s office jumping and screaming. “Professor! Guess what I found? It’s a 3,000 year old skeleton of a man who died of heart failure!”
The professor inspects the skeleton and says, “Congratulations! You dated the skeleton accurately! But tell me- how do you know he died of heart failure?”
The student pulls a piece of paper out of his pocket. “I found this in the skeleton’s hand,” he said.
It said “100:1 on Goliath.”
Talmud- Quite the opposite. But very normal to be judged by others.
Bugzie Shwartz, a notorious crook was sentenced to maximum security for fifty years. His crimes included murder in the first degree, attempted murder, auto theft, kidnapping, breaking and entering and grand larceny. One day he recieved a letter from his son:
Dear Bugzie,
I miss you. Remember how we used to prepare the garden for planting at this time of the year? Now I have to do it on my own.
Love Dad.
A few days later Mr Shwartz recieved a letter from Bugzie in prison.
Dear Dad,
don’t dig up the garden that’s where I buried all the bodies.
The next day, FBI agents pull up and dig up the garden. They find nothing.
Two days later, Mr Shwartz gets another lets from Bugzie.
Dear Dad,
Now the garden should be ready for planting. It was the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Bugzie.
LOOOOOOOL!!!!!!!
I said I would tell you tomorrow… 😛
lollllll
k heres one:
Little girl: why does ur son say “Cluck, Cluck, Cluck?”
Mother: because he thinks hes a chicken
Little girl: So why dont u tell him hes not a chicken?
Mother: b/c we need the eggs.
LOLLLLLL
What’s the difference between an elephant and a postbox?
(I actually want responses from people before I give the punch line)
After a big fight with his blonde wife, a man walks into his bedroom to find her sitting on the bed holding a gun to her own head.
At the sight of this, the man begins laughing.
“What are you laughing about?” she says, “You’re next!”
is the answer one of those things where you swap the wording?
writersoul- thanks for posting the first joke i hadn’t heard before!!
and kwaiker the second!
SaysMe – so you’ve heard mine before??? (I made it up.)
notasheep – I did post the next day; still waiting!!!!!!!
Along the same lines, I don’t know the answer to your last, so you may not want to trust me with your mail.
ur GOU cmL lmNU
Rotate 180 degrees for Hebrew. (slight mix of script and block letters sorry)
frummy – you are spot on! I was wondering if anyone had heard that one… And I said I would tell you tomorrow… 😛 LOL
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
frummy- no i hadn’t, but i wouldn’t call it a joke either! 🙂
SaysMe – :O Ego deflated…
I’ve got a tattoo which says “best before Feb 04” just incase I get stranded with some hungry cannibals…
😀
Speaking of cannibals…
A cannibal met his friend shortly after arriving back from holiday. They get chatting, and Cannibal 1 tells Cannibal 2 all about the wonderful time he had:- “It was amazing, really enjoyable holiday!”
Cannibal 2 then asks Cannibal 1:- “So how come you are missing an arm and a leg?”
Cannibal 1 replies:- “It was self catering!”
Why was 6 scared of 7?
Because 7, ate 9.
Q. What dog can jump higher than a building?
A.Anydog, buildings can’t jump!
Q. Why are ghosts bad liars?
A.Because you can see right through them
Q.how do you make seven an even number?
A.take the s out!
Q:How do you make a fruit punch?
A:Give it boxing lessons.
Q.What did the math book say to the other math book?
A.Boy do I have problems.
Q: Why did the boy take a pencil to bed?
A.to draw the curtains!
Q: What did the blanket say to the bed?
A: Don’t worry Ive got you covered!
Q.Whats the difference between a teacher and a train.
A.The teacher says spit out your gum and the train says chew chew chew.
Q.Why did the house go to the doctor?
A.Because he had window panes!!!
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