need shidduch advice please

“That is not fair to me.”

Why do you think she is doing this? Do you think it’s because she doesn’t care about you and therefore doesn’t want you to marry someone you like?

By us the parents and/ or rabbunim take care of shiddichim. I see what happens when u try alone

So then, as I asked above, “Why do you think she is doing this?”

Rebshidduch, I think if you are honest with yourself, you do know.

You wrote that she is disappointed. Why is she disappointed?

Rebshidduch, I suspect that is not the reason, and I think you know it too. Why should your mother care HOW you meet the guy? I give her more credit than that.

Anyhow, she is trying to set you up now.

You still haven’t answered the question.

What about his true current stage?

Put your ‘love feelings’ for him aside and think if a marriage with him really has potential.
You should make sure he is really past his past and growing in the past few months.

You should really some get some information from others on him before you actually start or continue to date. Perhaps he has a chavrusah or Rabbi? Maybe you have a male family member to make some research calls for you? Older sibling, father, grandfather, your rabbi or even female teacher/rebbitzin?

Meno – +1

Okay so while all of us are pretty much telling Rebshidduch to hold off, slow down, and maybe rethink her zeal in wanting to be with this guy with potential, is her thinking so off from what women are being taught?

I don’t know about you, but I feel like I have gotten a lot of opposing messages as a woman about my role.

On one hand, I definitely should not marry potential. At least, I had a Rebbetzin tell me that outright and said that marriage is not about changing anyone.

Then again, I can name a few books and rabbonim who emphasize the woman’s role and how she can transform her husband. Who was it? In the story with Korach where the man was saved because his wife was immodest brushing her hair or something by his front door when the men were rounding each other up?

There is something very heroic in my humble opinion, about being this woman who has the power to build a man up. Even secular stories about how the woman makes the man great. Without her, he would be no one.

So, yes. The differences are that they were married first, and maybe the man had more actualized success or strengths at that point. Still, maybe Rebshidduch is pulled by this guy and opportunity because she needs the extra challenge in life and is searching for meaning. Maybe that is a more attractive future than someone who she cannot connect with on a certain level, or has yet to do so.

—Yet I think what triggers us is that we, perhaps, recognize that Rebshidduch is coming from a place where she has personal growth to take on, before bringing a husband or potential husband into the picture. Having a guy right now may be clouding her vision and planning. And/or, I am super projecting here.

Thank you for hearing me out

Changed your mind?

This was less than 24 hours ago on the Shidduchim for those with a past. post # 1254926 I believe.