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How do I deal with my mother in law she is like a loose cannan.she invites tons of guest for yom tov, and eveyone always ends up leaving upset. When we decline the invite they get insulted, when we come we leave upset what should I do. The few times a year that we do go, I go for my wife but it gets harder every time. You gota walk on pins and needels around her she is always screaming and freaking out about everything…..can u relate.
My mother-in-law sometimes likes to comment and criticize our parenting abilities. She does it in front of our kids, which undermines our authority and Shalom Bayit, which makes the kids worse (esp on a Fri night when we eat late). My wife recently confronted her and got her to keep her opinion to herself.
You will need to confront your MIL. Not necessarily be agumentative, but stand you ground and explain your discomfort. Also explain that having guests and upsetting them is no favor to them.
She may not even think that she is displaying any abnormal emotion or speech. Nor may she be cognizant of her bad habits. I get the feeling that no one has told her to be quiet. Well, some one has to and that may be you.
She an emotional bully who is taking advantage of your politeness. You gotta draw the line, being firm while being a mentch.
Are we talking about more than one MOTHER or more than one LAW? The plural of mother-in-law (note the hyphens) is mothers-in-law.
If you do decide to confront her, it may be better if the child does it, rather than the child-in-law.
relaxation, it is NOT your place to teach your mother-in-law how to behave. Lets get that on the table to begin with. However, it is your place to teach your children how to behave and to tell them that YOU are their parents and you decide what they are allowed to do and what they are not allowed to do. YOU can tell them that if you take them for a visit to their grandparents and they don’t follow your rules and don’t behave appropriately, YOU will cut the visit short and take them home.
You can decline going for sleepovers and tell your mother-in-law or have your wife tell her mother that it is getting too difficult to pack and shlep and you prefer to visit on sundays. You can invite them to your home for a Shabbos so they don’t feel like you are ignoring them.
As far as her relationship with her own friends and guests, that is not your problem or issue. She will have to learn on her own, or her friends will have to tell her that she needs to calm down or back off. YOU are NOT her child. YOU are her in-law child and there is such a thing as crossing the line. Be very careful where you tread. She might forgive her children for confronting her because they ARE her children and a mother will forgive her children no matter what. But you are her daughter’s husband and if she feels that you hurt her or humiliated her in any way, she might never forget or forgive.
Do what I do. Keep in mind that, despite the ranting and tension, she gave you your wife, and that in a very short while, you (and wife) are going home. And your FIL is stuck with MIL forever.
Let me guess.. you’re in the early years (months?) of marraige, right? Once you’ve got some experience, you learn to take the hysteria in stride.
Meanwhile, enjoy the scene!
Oh, and one more thing: NEVER say a critical word about either in-law (mother, sister, brother) to you wife. Even if she initiates the rant. One peep out of you, and it will come back to haunt you. Maybe not the next day, maybe not next month. But there is NO forgivness in this area. None at all.
You can not, nor should you try, to change your mother in law and how she acts, reacts or speaks in given situations. You are responsible for yourself, and to educate your children. When it comes to your children, you and your wife call the shots, not MIL or anyone else. If visiting undermines this basic principle, let MIL (FIL too) know that this is an issue, and until it is resolved you must avoid situations where it occurs. She will probably be insulted, may yell and scream and blame you for taking her grandchildren away from her, but ultimately, how you raise your children falls on your shoulders (and your wifes – if your wife agrees with her mother, you have bigger problem to deal with), not hers. If you have a Rav, seek guidance how to balance the mitzvah of kibbud av and her interfering in raising your children how you see fit.
After hearing more of your explanation, I would have to agree with aries.
I disagree and would suggest that you speak to a Rav before you say anything negative at all to your mother-in-law. Do not get into any conflict with her. You have as much of an obligation of kibud av v’em with in-laws as with parents. Set the rules with your own children and discuss a plan with your wife. But be as polite as possible with your in-laws. Make your visits shorter and shorter if that is what is necessary to control your children.
Personally I follow my daughter and daughers-in-law’s rules. If the kids ask for nosh or want to watch TV and their mommies are in my home and tell them they have to ask their mommies. If they are not in my home I ask what do their mommies allow. I know what their mommies allow, but I want to hear it from the kids. Each mother runs their home a little differently so I have to remember the rules for the different homes. I teach my grandchildren that they have to listen to their mommies no matter where they are. Sometimes I let them take snacks home to show mommy and ask them if they can have it for dessert after supper.
When my neighbors kids used to come in to watch tv, I told them your mom doesn’t want you to watch tv.
We are reading the opinion of one side. Perhaps we should listen to the MIL’s opinion which of course we won’t unless she visits YWCF and figures out that she is subject of discussion.
By the way, is this man who is complaining receiving support from the wife’s parents? If yes, then some parents who support go with the old Yiddish saying of “ver es hut the maya hut the daya”, meaning whoever has the money, has/gives the opinion. It is very rare that this will not happen!!!!
And if this is not the case,then discuss this with your Rav who you feel comfortable in discussing anything with.
I go to my in laws on rare occasions for this reason. It took may years and MIL has stopped inviting her friends over on shabbos and YT when we do come. it was a group effort of the married kids to explain so she can understand that we have no interest in spending shabbos/YT with her friends.
I usually let her do what she wants and if I disapporve I tell my kids that they cant and tell my MIL things like “please dont give the kids lollies or other sugar filled junk @ 9.00pm” She used to give me a blank look but she come a long way and understands that she has to respect our way of rasing kids.
Show her that you are in charge of your family. it may work
“And your FIL is stuck with MIL forever.”
:).
relaxation, it sounds like your MIL gets stressed out mainly when she is overwhelmed with too many guests. If that’s the case, can your wife discuss it with her, figure out how to lighten the load?
if that doesn’t help, maybe you can slip some xanax into her morning coffee.
We are only hearing one side (not saying that side is incorrect, only that it is one-side of the story). Maybe MIL is stressed by having too many family members for company who perhaps do not help out enough, and come in like princesses after all the wrok has been done, to sit down to a meal. Maybe Bubby is overwhelmed at having to be the de facto babysitter over yom tov (as SO OFTEN is the case when kids come for a Shabbos or yom tov and feel now they are free of parental responsibility). Maybe, MIL really should not have the company, but BE the company. Just something to consider as a possibility…
Whatever you do, don’t put your kids in the middle of it and never use them as pawns.
heres something somewhat related to the topic,but not so much cuz its spring-snow is like a MIL. it comes for a half hour but causes trouble for 2 weeks after!
cute,no? and soooo true.
Try to really focus on her GOOD points-I am sure she has them. It is a very fine line relationship it is challenging for her to see your kids acting poorly in front of her, it is hard for her to deal with the mess the kids make, and i am sure she is quite tense having so many more people then usual. This makes her edgy and sensitive and as soon as she says something inappropriate, and senses everybody’s hackles going up, she probably gets even more upset resulting in tension and ‘bloozers’. If you try to see only the good, and compliment all the great food, and how well she handles this invasion of her space, she will be so happy that she might act nicer, and things will just generally be better.
Example: Here’s a lollipop sheyfalleh……
DIL – Oh, Mom they really shouldn’t have junk before supper (thinks what kind of idiot gives a kid all that sugar, before supper noch)
KIDS – (thinking – oh look, mommy doesn’t listen to bobby, she talks back to her……….bad chinuch, and worse than the sugar)
if DIL would say – Look how bobby always knows what everybody wants, let’s put the lollies in this box for after supper – everybody would be happier.
Paysach Krohn has some very relevant tapes on this subject for both MIL’s and DIL’s.
To aries2756: Your first 2 paragraphs are excellent. The first 2 sentences of your third paragraph are excellent. I would suggest one modification of your opinions: It is not an adult child-in-law’s responsibility to correct his/her parents-in-law, but it is his/her right, subject to the appropriate rules of courtesy and the mitzvah to respect one’s parents, to express his/her disagreement with a parent-in-law’s comments.
but BE the company.
I said just that to my Mrs. When we hit 65-70, we are coming to the kids. We’ll give them the $$$ to buy what is needed to host the crowd, and we roll in like WE’RE in the shana rishonah!
nfgo3, if you have something to say you should say if for yourself. No need to modify my opinion since I own my own opinion and you are entitled to own yours and express yours for yourself any which way you please in any way, shape or form. So please do not suggest any modifications to my opinion, that would be considered rude. You could agree with my opinion or disagree with my opinion but asking me to modify my opinion is just plain improper no matter how proper you choose to make it sound.
“but BE the company.
I said just that to my Mrs. When we hit 65-70, we are coming to the kids. We’ll give them the $$$ to buy what is needed to host the crowd, and we roll in like WE’RE in the shana rishonah!”
my DH suggested that for us for next Pesach, iy’H 😉
B”H, this year we were the company and it was great. Pure nachas.
Aries. You hope 🙂
You don’t know if they were counting down the hours to havdala and made a baruch shepatrani when you went home.
To aries2756: My choice of the word “modify” was, regrettably, misleading. You are entitled to your opinion and not obliged to modify it, no matter how wise I think I am. I disagree with the portions that I proposed to “modify,” and agree with the balance of your opinion.
What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
nfgo3, Well said!!
apushatayid, not funny. Actually, my daughter said it was much easier for her if we come to her than if she comes to us. It was her request not mine. She is at the end of her pregnancy. And it was much easier for her to sleep in her own bed (as well as the kids) and sit at the table while her hubby and I cleared. As far as my daughter-in-law, she begged us to come for the second days. Her own parents and grandparents go to her the first days and she loves to have the company for herself and her kids. As soon as I got there my oldest granddaughter gave me a smiley sticker. My 20 month old said “I yuv you Bobby”.
Since you don’t know my relationship with my kids, it was way too much of a stretch and an assumption on your part. So no it was not funny and a little bit of a dig. I am always their for them when they call and need me. And when they request my company, I try to oblige as well.
BTW, my children saw this in my home as well. When WE were their age, WE made Yomim Tovim at home and WE invited their grandparents to our home as well. I chose to honor our parents and realized it was easier for me and harder for our parents as the years went by.
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