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It’s hard to explain, and I don’t want to resort to “when it happens to you, you will understand what I mean”
I can only explain from my experience. When I was dating my husband, pretty quickly I realized that he was the right one. It had little to do with lists, although he did have the most important things that I needed. But of course he didn’t fit everything, yet that did not bother me because I knew/felt it was right – even issues that may have been a definite no with other shidduchim in the past. Was I wrong to have said no about those issues in the past then? No, because I was not meant to marry them. That is where the siyata dishmaya comes in- you make your decisions, and Hashem will help that those decisions bring about the right result.I’m not a guy or a dating mentor so I can’t answer for the guys. I don’t even know if it holds true for all girls, since my experience is limited to the 1 time it happened to me. Not exactly a large sample size.
Anyway, you can’t worry about or really change other people’s dating attitudes, only your own.
Think of it as like the kids’ game Hot and Cold. You are wandering about trying to figure out if you are in the right place. At some point, someone will say getting warmer…hot..you found it. Hashem knows who your BShert is, and will make it clear to you (“hot”) when you are in the right place, which is why you will know when you get there. If you keep in mind that Hashem is in control and orchestrating things so that you will find your husband when the time is right, then it gets a lot less frustrating and scary. On that matter, you might find “Pinya’s Lamp”, a short story by Chaim Uri Gottesman (in, I think, his book “The Birdsong”) uplifting.
When I was dating, and davening, I used to wonder what I should daven about- should I daven that this particular shidduch work? But what if he is not good for me? What I ended up davening for was clarity- that it should be clear whether or not this shidduch was right for me, and that that realization should come as quickly as possible with as little pain as possible.WTP – nice. Thanks!
Shidduchim are not easy. But I am dating a great guy who is much more religous than me now and limod, I completely stopped talking to the guy with tattoos (you should be proud of me). So I do not really have time to come on here anymore since I am dating a kollel guy now.
In a TorahAnytime shiur about dating myths, the shidduch expert said that the whole, “You’ll know when it’s the right person,” is a myth. He said that it does not work like that. People go on a date and they don’t know. They go on another date and they still don’t know. If you’re not opposed to the person for strong reasons, or if you both don’t have conflicting values and goals, then go on another date. But it’s not necessarily so clear right away.
I wonder if in retrospect, after a couple marries, the husband and/or wife feel like it was more obvious right away?
Or… maybe people do just “know” right away. Some do. Some may not. So to say that everyone will know once it is the one may discourage some people from continuing to date the right one again.
I don’t know. Thank you because it def helps to know that Hashem is in charge here 🙂
LB, that is an important point-and I think what the expert says is right, I want to stress again that just because it happened that way with me, does not mean that it always happens that way. (And even though when I dated my husband i did feel that something was different about this one right away, we still went out quite a few times until we were sure). And even if that feeling does come, it doesn’t mean that it comes on the first date or the second date, etc. But, bottom line, Hashem is in charge, and one way or another, He will make sure that you get that message that this is the right one- maybe it is a feeling you get, or maybe it is an advisor that helps you to figure it out. Just make sure that you are listening for that message.
Thanks WTP 🙂
Yes, another great reason to pray for clarity and Hashem’s guidance —-and making Hashem’s Will my will <3
Rebsidduch we are all proud of you for taking limud ulelamaid dvice.
Now when and if you and the kollel guy get married
You can invite us all to come to your simcha.I know that this thread is very old, but I just found it now.
The Michtav MeEliyohu says that there is no point in agonising overly regarding any decisions we have to make – Hashem will give us siyata dishmaya to make the right choice. That is possibly part of the reasons why many chassidishes or Israelis (and even Europeans!) don’t feel it is necessary to go out on a large number of dates – if it is bashert it will happen, otherwise it won’t.
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