meeting the shadchan

I have met many shadchanim who did not set me up. My case might be different since I am an “older single” so they are less likely to know people for me.

However, I also knew a 19-year-old girl from Lakewood who was a good girl but not a “typical Lakewood girl”, and when she met shadchanim in Lakewood, they told her that she needs an “out-of-towner” and they don’t have anyone from her. So she went on SYAS and met her chosson right away.

I would say that there really is no way to know, because it depends if they have anyone who seems right for you.

Also, many shadchanim (especially Lakewood ones) have tons of people calling and emailing them every day, so they can’t possibly set everyone up. I just saw an OORAH video with a shadchan panel. One of the shadchanim mentioned the number of emails he gets a day. I forget the number, but it was HUGE! somewhere in the hundreds, I believe.

So there is no way he could possibly be setting up all of those people!

So when you go to meet a shadchan, you should go in with the mindset that you are doing this to be yotzei your hishtadlus, but you are not necessarily expecting that he/she will actually set you up. That way you will be less disappointed.

I think it would also be a good idea to set up 3 or 4 appointments for the same day. That way there is a greater chance that at least one of them will have someone for you.

I also think that since you are probably not a “typical Lakewood girl”, you should meet with non-Lakewood shadchanim as well. Maybe try one or two in NY and try some out-of-town shadchanim as well. A Baltimore shadchan could be a good idea for you.

Hatzlacha!

WTP +1. Very good points!

It is even more important to check out a Rav or Rebbetzin than a shadchan. If you go to meet a shadchan and she turns out to be a lousy shadchan, no major harm has been done – just an annoying experience to turn into a funny story for your next date.

On the other hand, an unqualified Rav can do a lot of harm.

It can be harder to check though. What you really need to do is to find a mainstream Orthodox community to become part of so that you will have more resources.

I would think it would be a good idea for you to find a bt seminary to learn in, but perhaps that is not an option for you.

In any case, what you should probably be doing right now is to just keep learning and researching and thinking things through and discussing things with people (whether in the CR or RL) and thinking through their responses and opinions until you are able to figure these things out and figure out the best Rabbanim to go to.

I think these are the questions you should ask yourself about a potential Rav: Does he follow the Gedolei Hador? Does he seem like someone who has Yiras Shamayim? Are there a lot of people who seem to consider him to be controversial? Is he accepted by many b’nei Torah? Does he seem either too authoritarian or too liberal? Does he get too involved in your personal life and/or tell you what to do regarding personal matters that you didn’t ask him about? Do other Rabbanim accept him? Is he normal and well-balanced?

I think that at this point you should probably not restrict yourself to one Rav, since it will take you time to figure out who a qualified Rav is. I think you may need to “test the waters” with several Rabbanim for now.

I have a relative who is a giyores. She told me that before she converted, she was told that she had to move to Brooklyn in order to see what mainstream Orthodoxy was like before she converted. I think that it would be a good idea for you to move to somewhere similar so that you could have more of a feel of mainstream Orthodoxy and develop more resources.

btw, I am impressed at how you do always seem to be going to shiurim and asking questions and keeping an open mind and trying to figure things out. You seem like you are on a good path. Hatzlacha with the rest of the journey!

I guess LB that you do it the old fashioned way- by speaking to friends, family, their friends, etc. who are in shidduchim or recently married and get recommendations from them.

As far as Rabbis/posek, again, word of mouth goes a long way. For example, maybe there is a family that you feel close to that you admire the way they live, and you can ask them who their Rav is, and see if that is someone you can relate to. Also, you can ask your teachers for a recommendation, or chose one of your teachers who you admire and already know- for many BTs, this is probably the most practical way to find a Rav. Aseh licha Rav is not easy, which is why I think there are a lot of people out there who do not have a rav, but would like one.

1 shadchan

1 meeting

1 suggestion

1 young lady

1 wedding

And here we are, 26+ years later, B”H!