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Looking into two girls one has the same name as my mother and the others father has the same name as me which is better according to minhag?Does anyone know anything on this topic?(the girl with the same name as my mother has a second name and I do too)
best is if you have the same name as her mother.
It really isn’t pashut. I believe it is worse the 2 women sharing a name, but please ask someone who is knowledgeable in this area. Someone who is into names, not just a Rav.
Don’t make the decision on the basis of names. I’m not aware of any minhagim on this subject, and in any case they could not be mandatory.
There are varying opinions – the mother and would-be wife having the same name are the most difficult to be mattir (as that is the primary thing R’ Yehuda HaChossid addressed) but there are those who nonetheless will be mattir. Many poskim will tell you not to begin dating.
Ask the shayla to a reliable posek (your average rav will not necessarily be capable of paskening).
Hatzlocho!
a mamin writes:
“It really isn’t pashut… please ask someone who is knowledgeable in this area. Someone who is into names, not just a Rav. “
better idea; ignore mekubollim etc who tell you that names are important and ask a rov. (or ask your rov to ask a rov who knows)
Rav Chaim Kanievski is not concidered a mekubal by any stretch but he has been known to tell people to change their names (because their given name has either no mekor in tanach or has a bad connotation, even if they are not sick).
any mekubal who will take your money to tell you who your beshert is or isn’t is not worth the money.
Rav Yehuda haChossid wrote in his tzavo’oh to his children to be makpid about names of inlaws (if i remember correctly it works equally both ways).
Although it was only written to for his children (and there are many other things he wrote they should be makpid about which we in general ignore completely) many hold that one should be makpid about this issue.
if one of you has a double-barelled name (and uses it) then there is no problem. (if you don’t use it then you can start now)
It’s not an issue, AT ALL.
I have learned that it is a majour issues..you should probably ask your LOR/posek on this one! Hatzlacha
“Its not an issue”.
“Its a major issue”.
and my favorite – “in any case they could not be mandatory”
No sources – and obviously in half of these quotes no knowledge, as they contradict each other – and we’re registering opinions, once again, about issues clearly discussed in the seforim.
My wife has the same name that my mother had — last name, that is.
I don’t know what a mamin means by “not just a Rav.” Ask the Rav you normally consult with.. This is a matter that many people do take seriously, but not everyone will give the same psak. If you are told that it is all right to go ahead, make sure the other party is also comfortable with the issue. (Presumably they’ll wish to speak to their own Rav.)
It depends if the name is the same, or if the middle names differ. Also, it could depend on what people call the girl/mother.
Even if that is not an issue, it depends on the hakpadah of the parents.
I heard this once from a reputable Rav.
I heard even worse. Someone I know of has the same name as his living grandfather.
We are Noheg almost nothing from the Tzava’ah. Why are people so hung up on this one?
I heard even worse. Someone I know of has the same name as his living grandfather.
So what? Sfardim have the minhag to name after the living.
No wonder we have a shidduch crisis.
My husband and my father have the same name: Daddy.
Here’s a quote from a Stack Exchange answer to this question:
“Basically, in some Hassidic communities it’s taken seriously; in Modern Orthodox circles it’s ignored; for Litvish Yeshivish it probably depends on your circles. Someone asked Rabbi Moshe Feinstein about it — “may I marry so-and-so, but what about her mother’s name…” Rabbi Feinstein replied — stuff like this, if it seriously bothers you, then you have to keep it; otherwise, you don’t. If you’re writing to me for a heter, that proves it doesn’t seriously bother you, so go for it!”
For those thinking of following this custom of R’ Yehudah the Chossid, have you read the rest of his testament, and his book Sefer Chassidim? Do you follow all his other advice? Then why follow this of all things?
Sam: This is one that, for whatever reason, in many cases stuck (or sticks today). Rav Sternbach in Teshuvos v’Hanhagos is matir in all sorts of ways (including, as someone mentioned, those that say the tzavoh was only for his offspring), but in this specific type of case (i.e. wife/mother), he still seems to be cautious about it. I’ve seen (or heard b’sheim – I can’t remember) the same from R’ Elyashiv zt”l and R’ Chaim Kanievsky (that one’s for you thabo) when I was looking into this inyon.
There are poskim that I’ve heard and seen matir (I’d name them, but I have no idea if it’s on a per-case basis or not – and therefore don’t want people saying ___ is matir).
Why this one of all the things he writes? Don’t know. I can’t say I’ve ever really understood these inyonim.
thabo: I have not mentioned anything about Mekubalim in my comment.
I referred that not all Rabbonim will get involved with this.
I personally know too many cases of couples who have asked me to daven on their behalf for children, and I see that many have one name the same as their mother in law! On the same note, we had the same shaila in my family, we asked a Rav , who told us it was okay and we should check with 3 Rabbonim. We did , they all said it was okay , in this case. They are married Baruch Hashem with children.
I have the same name as my great grandmother.
I asked a well known Rav and was told that I should not date a girl with the same name as my mother. Both of them had only one name.
T6T: ow old is she now, ybdl”ch?
I name all my children with very uncommon names so they should have a significantly less likelihood of encountering this problem when they’re in shidduchim.
Anyone remember which godol a few hundred years ago had the same name as his father in law, so upon marriage he added a name to himself and thereafter was called by his additional name?
…..all is okay if the girl’s side has money. Seriously, look around and see how some people all of a sudden are not makpid about same names of such as daughter in law and mother in law or son in law and father in law, if there is alot of money so the couple could live happily after and of course follow the rules of the side funding their happy go lucky free life!!!!
Walton157, you married Daddy Warbucks?
Being Real – Fortunately for you I happened to recently pick up a book in shul that was exactly on this topic. The book is Titled Shemos HaAretz and is authored by Rabbi Shmuel Baruch Genut. It is a compilation of sha’alot that he asked to HaRav Chaim Kanievsky, shlita on the subject of names. It was quiet interesting.
You can use a translator to view this site about the book:
http://ladaat.info/article.aspx?artid=4299
Being that I only read through the book once I haven’t absorbed every detail. However, this much I do remember.
It is advised not to marry a girl with the same exact name as your mother. If either your mother or the girl have more than one name and they share one of them, then it depends on what name people know them as. For example:
If your Mother’s name is Sarah Leah and the girl’s name is only Leah, I believe he says it would be a possible problem if your mother goes by both names, Sarah Leah. However, if your mother is only known by others as Sarah, then it does not matter (according to all sources) that they share the name Leah. Note, however, in your parents house your future Kalah should be called by a nickname like Lealeh.
I do not remember if according to HaRav Kanievsky it matters whether we are talking about the Kallah/Shviger or the Chosson/Sh’ver.
In your personal case I must agreed that if you are interested in either of them you should first consult with your posek as there may be a machlokes concerning following this minhag.
BTW – from what I read it seems that the main issue is a concern for Ayin Harah.
NOTE TO ALL COMMENTATORS: It is nice to try to help another yid, but when doing so don’t base it on “hearsay”. You are not truly helping them and you can possibly be causing yourself serious unnecessary Onish min Hashamiyim.
Regarding the first post, I believe it’s wording lacks derech eretz to a Rav – 29
Not at all, it was showing how the tzava is not halacha and indeed it was ignored even by R’ Yehuda’s own children.
Regardless, I rewrote that into my second post which I don’t think was posted either.
tsharer: While you surely may hold it is permissible, you are certainly incorrect in plainly writing “It’s not an issue, AT ALL.” It is an issue. But it is an issue that is ruled that it is permissible.
Someone’s tzavaah to his children is not the same as saying something is mandatory for anyone else’s children. I am sure that Rov ZT”L had a very strong feeling about this, but that does not put a chiyuv on other people to do as he did.
There were compelling reasons at one time in Jewish history, to not marry a girl with the same name as one’s mother. When entire families lived under the same roof, married children included, there was a fear that a husband might call out for his wife by name in the night, and his daughter-in-law would accidentally respond, thinking it was her husband. This is not really such a likelihood today, though I could see the potential for being accidentally nichshal, in the past.
To me the most practical aspect, is that chalilah if one’s mother were to die, her name could not be used for a future daughter that the son might have, if his own wife had the same name as his mother. This applies to men, as well. At least in the Ashkenazic custom, that is. Sefardim hold differently.
I know several very frum young men in full time learning who married women with the same name as their mothers. Hashem should spare any of them from being in the position of needing a name for their mothers for 120 years, and it should all be good.
Oomis, his own children did not follow the tzava.
does this apply to the same name as father. What if its his english name? Isnt the problem that you will be saying your parents name every time you call your husband?
“Faigy?”
“Yes, dear?”
“Shimshy, how DARE you! Have you no kibud eim? Just because you’re married now doesn’t mean you get to go around calling your own mother by her first name….”
“No, Ma, I didn’t mean you, I meant— AAAUUURGH!”
Yeah, but what if your bashert has the same name as you or your mother or your father?
Like, what if Thomson’s son and Thompson’s daughter get married?
See which one is more compatible and go for it in our minhag a daughter in law that has the same name adds a name but these things shouldn’t be a problem at all ask your rov and go out and be matzliach
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