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As everyone now knows reb shidduch is looking for a boy learning full time. What about if a guy really wants reb shidduch and he might not deserve reb shidduch because reb shidduch is too good for him as in that he went OTD before and now came back on and tries becoming as frum as he can for reb shidduch. Would it be okay for reb shidduch to date someone like this even if he does not want to learn full time and he went OTD and came back on and is trying to be as frum as he can for reb shidduch?
What’s with third person?
He should want to be frum for himself not for someone else.
I don’t think rebshidduch can determine whether someone “deserves” rebshidduch or not. This “guy” may be good for rebshidduch, he may not be. However, Avram in MD is concerned about the idea of “trying” to be frum “for” rebshidduch. If a “guy” tries to be something he does not want to be for rebshidduch, he may CV”S come to resent rebshidduch down the road.
The guy should go OTD again, this time along with reb shidduch, and then both of them should come back on, and reb shidduch should learn full time, and the guy should spend all day posting here about shadchanim, and then they’ll both be perfectly suited for each other. Mazel tov.
Just make sure to get everything in writing so that everyone is on the same page about how frum everyone else is supposed to be.
And make sure to use precise legal terms, such as “MO” and “OTD”
rebshidduch,
Avram, he already is frum just modern. He would become much more religious than just mo is that okay?
I cannot answer that question; only you can. Why does he want to become “much more religious”, and are those reasons ok with you?
So let me get this straight.
You’re looking for a guy who learns full time, and you’re asking if you should date someone who’s otd but would become more religious just so he can date you?
You sound very confused. Reminds me of another poster from a few months back…
Aren’t we all confused…
Meno-there’s a new one every few months or so. There always is. They always listen, stay for a few weeks, don’t hear any adivce, and disapear off the face of the planet, except the ones that stay…like me!
Hmm. So he would become a Rabbi just so he could date you?
I would still say you sound confused.
I guess it depends what is meant by OTD- does it mean he smoked in the past but will give it up for rebshidduch?
“Avram, he would become more religious for me. But I am curious why would he say he wants to become a rabbi and how all guys want me and how it should be easy for me to get a good shidduch when he knows I want someone learning full time?”
Ummm. I think there’s several very plausible explanations for why he is willing to change for you:
1) He finds you attractive
2) He finds you attractive and he thinks that he only needs to temporarily change until you get married to him then he can do whatever he wants
3) He finds you attractive so he’ll say anything to get you to go out with him
Are you seeing a pattern? If you’re really looking for a full time kollel guy- then why are you wasting time dealing with People that don’t fit what you’re looking for?
Is the issue that he is saying that he will learn, and it is only because you want him to?
If so, that is a terrible idea. You can’t learn full-time if you don’t want to.
Or is your question as follows: He is not planning on learning full-time, and I want a learning boy, but I like him, so should I go out with him even though he is not learning full-time?
I was one of those posters a few months back
Don’t do it rebshidduch.
You cannot make him into someone else.
There are many beautiful stories about women fixing up their men to become Torah scholars. They are meant to teach lessons but not meant to say that any guy will blossom into a Talmud Chacham so long as the right girl supports him.
Sorry for telling you so directly. I am not right and don’t know.
But what I hear from you is the attempt to bring matters into your own hands and find yourself a husband. So your friends brother or brothers friend isn’t the right age. So that didn’t work. Now this guy.
I need to press send here before the Mods clip it.
It is not your job to make him into a rabbi or something else.
It is your job to find a life partner who will share your goals and values. He is nm his own person too. You want someone who wants what you want to begin with. Imho. It doesn’t guarantee anything but you start with a foundation.
Btw I am also in shidduchim and have been learning this along the way. I was in a very unpleasant situation where I was going to change for the guy and it was too much pressure and it felt like drowning. Imho give that guy a chance to find his beshert. Give yourself the gift of finding yours.
I’m sorry it is taking time. I know.
What’s beautiful about you is that you’re open-minded and see potential in others.
That’s wonderful.
You don’t marry potential though. That’s one thing I learned. If anyone wants to counter me then please do.
I also want to learn more from the CR Yentas ?
Reuven – +1,000 – you seem to have gotten it on the mark!
rebshidduch – somehow meeting someone can be great if you happen to somehow end up meeting someone who makes sense for you (yeah, that was always my dream since I was a teenager (sigh) – I do know several people whom it happened to), but if the guy isn’t right for you – bad idea.
Your posts actually lend support to the reasoning behind going to a shadchan instead of just “meeting someone”. If you go through a shadchan, you are unlikely to fall for a guy who is all wrong for you, since you are unlikely to meet such guys. But if you “just somehow meet someone” the danger is that you end up marrying someone all wrong for you.
686 characters with spaces! Pretty good! I had been nervous about that one!
Lu – +314
if you actually want a shtark guy its prob not a good idea to be meeting up with your old boyfriend / aquaintance…
Are you serious?
I agree that using shadchanim can be tough. But don’t settle for less. Never think about marrying someone because they have potential. Because if they don’t reach it- then you’ll have big problems. Also, don’t marry someone as a chesed. Again- that’s a bad idea…
Meno who are you asking?
Meno – who was that in response to? Reb shidduch’s last post? I think the others weren’t up yet when you wrote that, but I’m not sure.
the moderators said they probably wont post shadchan suggestions. I also don’t think I know any who are the right type for you. I mainly know shadchanim who work with older singles. I would think that is something you could find out on your own.
Also, I really think you need to speak to a mentor/Rav/Rebbetzin before you go to a shadchan. Maybe once you’ve done that, they can help you to find the right type of shadchan for you.
just sounds suspicous you “meet” a guy he falls in love and shows you his tattoo and is becoming a rabbi all in a few weeks and your not dating… (yet)
You shouldn’t date him if you think you’re better than him because such a relationship won’t work.
Maybe this is a nisayon?
if he shouldnt think so why should you?? you just answered your own question…
the fact that your asking means you either feel desperate or lonely, have a little faith, get your priorities in order and be’h you’ll find the right one soon
btw theres singles events on a reagular basis in lakewood so ask around…
edited. And yes.
One username at a time
its a friend who is bothering me block him please do not block me
so your question is settled?
Reb shidduch. There is an amazing shadchan in the monsey area. Her last name is Lehrman. Get her number and get in touch with her. I think she can Really help
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