Married Couple Who Become Baal Teshuvas

If they had kosher witnesses, as is the case with many frei Israelis and sefardim, then there’s no need for a new kidushin/chupah/kesuvah. If there weren’t any kosher witnesses, such as a typical reform or conservative marriage, then they would need to do everything over again.

That’s what most poskim say. Rav Henkin held that at some point kosher witnesses probably saw them going into the husband’s house, etc..which is enough to make a kiddushin. It could be he said it lechumra to necessitate a get, but not that they don’t need to redo their marriage. Whereas most poskim held that a standard frei ceremony wouldn’t require a get, and the wife can remarry at will. I don’t know what the accepted practice is among rabbonim in that case, but baalei teshuva routinely get remarried al pi halacha

As for a chiyuv to divorce if one spouse becomes frum; this is very, very complicated and each case is different. Sometimes a frei person will agree to keeping a kosher kitchen and adhering to taharas mishpacha, while not being personally observant otherwise. This happens quite often.

Why would they not be chayav in sheba brachos, including the husband not working? They weren’t married before, and now they wre. It’s not “fixing” a bar kiddushin; without aidei kiyuma, nothing happened.

Ujm, as far as i know, people who look for Orthodox rabbis for kiddushin will generally do things like marriage, divorce, funerals, etc…with Orthodox rabbis; it’s a mentality that “when” they do something religious, it’s authentic.

But im sure there are many such disgruntled women who ger a civil divorce and remarry r”l.

And yes, according to rav Henkin there’s a fairly large population of mamzerim, especially in America. But rav Moshe was rav moshe – he had the plaitzas to allow it, and i believe this is accepted by kiruv rabbis, but that’s not something i know for sure and i don’t expect anyone on here to take what is said on an online forum seriously enough to pasken such a shailoh.

As for the issue of staying married to someone who’s not frum – for many BTs, having to divorce would send them way backwards, they would lose control over the chinuch of their kids, and they may drop it altogether – it’s dinei nefashos to tell a BT to do such a thing. While of course it’s not ideal to stay married, if the home is kosher and the frum spouse can keep shabbos and taharas mishpacha, I don’t know of any reason good enough to tell a person to make such a sacrifice if they’re not holding by the madrega of wanting to do so themselves. And even if they want to, there’s the children to consider.

@AviraDeArah

You’re stating your personal opinion that it’s not ideal to stay married. You’re not a Rabbi. There have been Rabbonim who have advised otherwise.

@Kuvult

Eidim are NOT halachically allowed to accept payment.

Pekak, i went through a list of reasons why rabbonim usually tell people in that situation to remain married. But can you say that it’s an ideal for a person to have as their life partner someone who will not help them, and often hurt their progress? It’s just that the potential fallout is cumulatively worse; the BT might have regrets, might drop the whole thing, the frei spouse might get custody (especially if it’s the mother who’s not frum).

Why on earth would it be ideal to have a non frum spouse??

Pekak,
As I stated, “When I was YOUNG & NAIVE”
Also, for many jobs which one can’t be paid we don’t pay them for the job we pay them the money they “Lost” by not being able to work a regular job due to being involved in klei kodesh.

“If only one becomes a baal teshuva, do they need to divorce?”

Dare to dream!

Sorry to put all of my troubles out here CR but this topic which may have been meant purely as a hypothetical fit too well with something I’ve been struggling with lately.

It is not an easy thing to end a marriage especially when children are involved, even if it is the right thing, even if there are religious grounds (verbal abuse seems to qualify so sadly I believe I would have grounds), even if he has always stifled my religious devotion. I am not blameless, I am not an easy person to be married to (as he often reminds me), but who does not have their flaws? All I can do is pray that hashem softens my husband’s heart, and gives me the strength to endure for the sake of the children. Even with couples counseling while the improvement has been noticeable, he still hurts me with his words every day. He says it is my fault that what he says hurts me, that I’m misinterpreting what he says, I am being too sensitive, or he is stressed at something else and to ignore the tone, profanity, and anger in what he says. But when someone says they hate you how else can you interpret it?
He was away for a week and came back today and berated me for coddling the toddler in his absence. 🥺 Is it a wonder I did not miss him while he was gone?

He originally blockaded my religious journey for example guess who pressured me to stop keeping kosher as I had for my entire life before we met, he did not want to celebrate shabbat with my friends but make plans for us to go out on friday nights with his, he will begrudgingly celebrate a few holidays a year or attend maybe one service if he has no conflicting plans. Once upon a time he treated me very well so I was willing to overlook his lack of religious devotion because he seemed devoted to me and I thought he would never hurt me. How wrong I was. I am not looking for anyone’s sympathy or even advice. I just really needed a space where I could share this safely and anonymously. Thanks for reading.

Sact5, try to find a religious authority competent in these issues. get books by r Twersky, he writes about abuse and related topics.
One thing he says that if one spouse abuses children, and the other doesn’t protect them, then children might later have a grudge against the healthy person excusing the sick one