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A woman named Judy walks into a dinner party with a much older man. At dinner, the lady sitting next to the woman turns to her and says, “My, that’s a beautiful diamond you’re wearing. In fact, I think it’s the most beautiful diamond I have ever seen!”
“Thank you,” replies Judy. “This is the Plotnick Diamond.”
“The Plotnick Diamond? Is there a story to it?”
“Oh yes, the diamond comes with a curse.”
“A curse?” asks the lady. “What curse?”
“Plotnick.”
Marriage is no joke.
“A man doesn’t know what true happiness is until he’s married. And then it’s too late.”
“A man isn’t complete until he’s married. Then, he’s FINISHED.”
If a woman wants a husband she obviously hasn’t had one.
99% of marriage is simply yelling “What?!” from the other room
I want to hear! Please!!!
“My wife and I were really happy for 20 years. Then we met.”
I want to marry a Japanese woman. She’d be gracious, respectful, serve great food…and my mother-in-law would live in Tokyo! [Hat tip to Henny Youngman]
Two elderly gentleman are sitting and talking:
“My wife and I went to a wonderful restaurant the other night.”
“Really? What was it called?”
“You know, I can’t remember the name. What’s the name of a red flower that smells nice?”
“A rose?”
“Rose – that’s right. Hey Rose! What’s the name of the restaurant we went to the other night?”
A kid goes to his father and asks him: “Dad, I’ve been wondering about something. Where did people come from?” Dad responds, “Well along time ago, some of the monkeys became humans.”
Kid then goes to Mom and asks: “Mom, where do people come from?” Mom responds: “Well, many years ago, G-d created Adam and Eve and we’re all descended from them.”
“So how come dad told me that we come from monkeys?”
“Simple. He was talking about his side of the family, and I’m talking about mine.”
The “if they have eggs, get six” joke is meant to be about a programmer
(the interpretation is how a computer would process such a command).(The “50 years in jail” joke presumably didn’t come with Jewish names…)
Both meets girl. He asks to marry her. She says “no.” They live happily ever after.
Boy meets girl. He asks to marry her. She says “yes.” The end.
— Complimentary of a TorahAnytime shiur 🙂
Oops!!! Just caught my typo!! Sorry… correction:
Boy meets girl. He asks to marry her. She says “no.” They live happily ever after.
Boy meets girl. He asks to marry her. She says “yes.” The end.
— Complimentary of a TorahAnytime shiur 🙂
Newt and Callista Gingrich.
Donald and Marla Trump.
Donald and Ivana Trump.
bmyer: Yes.
I’m not 100% sure, but 99%ish that it was in early on in this one…
*Dating, Marriage, and Shavuot*
R. Jonathan Rietti (1:03:50) 5/21/2017R4nd0m3x, the programmer joke goes like this:
Wife asks husband to go to the store, on the way out she adds “oh, and while you’re there, get me a dozen eggs”.
He never returns.I don’t get the programmer joke.
Wife: Had your lunch?
Husband: Had your lunch?
Wife: I’m asking you
Husband: I’m asking you
Wife: You copying me?
Husband: You copying me?
Wife: Let’s go shopping
Husband: I had my lunch.If your wife wants to learn to drive, don’t stand in her way.
Marriage is full of surprises but it’s mostly just asking each other “do you have to do that right now?”
Only after getting married you realise that those husband-wife jokes were not just jokes.
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
Please explain the programmer joke with the eggs, milk, and husband never returning. I asked two other people who also didn’t get it.
Thank you
It’s all about how a computer program would react to such a command.
In programming languages such as BASIC, a “WHILE” statement introduces a loop that keeps on going for as long as the condition remains fulfilled. After each loop, the program checks to see If the condition is true or false. If the condition is never broken the loop continues forever.
The husband acts like a computer program would and keeps getting a dozen eggs for as long as he’s in the store.
Since the wife only said “WHILE you’re in the store get a dozen eggs” but didn’t provide the husband with specific instructions for when to get out of the store, he goes to the store and acts like a computer i.e. keeps getting eggs a dozen at a time until the store runs out of eggs, at which point the husband promptly prints an error message and crashes.It’s funnier if you understand it on your own from the start…
ChadGadya, thank YOU!!!! ☺☺☺
Such an awesome explanation. Now I get it (yay) and last night I explained it to the two other people so they got it too 😊
The biggest shalom bayis issue is that we only listen to a listen to half <that is spoken to us>, understand a quarter, think nothing and answer back double.
bmyer, why the need for more marriage jokes? Are you in charge of a standup routine?
Lol 🙂 !!!
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