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As many CR readers know Mrs. CTL was niftara in Elul.
Right after shloshim I was already being offered names and information about potential spouses.
I was not ready to consider such a thing that soon. I have always told my family law clients to make no life changing decisions for at least a year after the end of a marriage (by death or divorce).
I am a senior in good health. I don’t need to marry to have childcare for young children, or a cook, laundress or cleaning woman. But, as I approach half a year, I realize that a home without a spouse is a lonely place. Although I have children (and in-laws) working in the firm, and some with their children living in the compound, they cannot provide the companionship a spouse does.
It is about 45 years since I was last single and times have changed.
So I pose questions for senior members of the CR who have had marriages end and have married again or gone through the ‘dating/fix up’ process and not married:
1. Did you get resistance or encouragement from your children? Are they married settled adults or dependent on you?
2. Did you find anyone more than 5-10 years younger than you to have little in common and conversation uncomfortable?
3. If you were still working or in business/profession would you only consider locals or those willing to move to your location?
4. Would you feel comfortable moving a new spouse into your home (or moving into theirs) even with redecorating and new furnishings? Or would you expect to buy and establish a new home?
5. How do you regard new step family members? Can you truly blend as a senior?
>>>>>>>>>
I am sure that when the time comes to start the process I will have many more questions. What I do know is that I don’t desire to spend the rest of my life unmarried.So, please chime in based on experience, trolls and bochurim please pass this thread by.
AND…..please do not ask how to make contact to arrange a shidduch, that is not the purpose of this solicitation for information
Bsha’ah tova
First of all, may Hashem comfort you for your loss.
I was widowed a couple of years ago. But my late husband and I had both been divorced from other spouses before we got married. I am not actively looking, but if Hashem were to drop Mr. Right down from the sky for me, I’d be delighted. Here are my replies.
1. Did you get resistance or encouragement from your children? Are they married settled adults or dependent on you?
My children are all adults with their own families and not dependent on me at all. At this point in my life, I think they would encourage me.2. Did you find anyone more than 5-10 years younger than you to have little in common and conversation uncomfortable?
I don’t think I would find this to be the case. I’d be open to such a match.3. If you were still working or in business/profession would you only consider locals or those willing to move to your location?
I work part-time and for that and other reasons I would want someone local or willing to move to my OOT community.4. Would you feel comfortable moving a new spouse into your home (or moving into theirs) even with redecorating and new furnishings? Or would you expect to buy and establish a new home?
My ideal spouse would move into my home, which I own outright and have made many improvements on. I’d be open to redecorating, new furnishings, etc. But if he went 50/50 with me and I sold my home and we could buy a different home in this community, I might consider it.5. How do you regard new step family members? Can you truly blend as a senior?
I’ve had stepchildren before, and I have enough love to give not just my blood relatives but my step relatives. The way I figure, if I love my husband, I love his children too. I’d expect him to feel the same about my children.I think you’re very brave to have put up your post. Wishing you hatzlacha in your search for a new mate.
Also, please excuse me if my post was repeated. I did not see it appear right away, and I’ve had login issues, so I had reposted. If a moderator would like to remove the duplicate post, please do so.
A match made in the cr!
Who would be the shadchan (to get the shadchan gelt)? Ujm? (Ctlawyer can give him the money since he knows him personally) (and he did rake the test thread out of spam)
Can we all be invited to the chasuna?
One minor observation. As crazy as it may sound, adult children can react really weird to their Mom/Dad entering a new relationship. While we typically focus on managing the feelings of much younger kids in a divorce context, from a child’s perspective, Dad will always be “Dad” and Mom will always be “Mom”.
Having been one of your biggest CR fans for nearly a decade, much hatzlacha in whatever choices and decisions you make.I think on your part it’s a good move I wish you the best. You have a large family and a long life expectancy. I’m ultimately settled into singlehood for the past few years that my beloved has been nifter and I’m content, but that’s just me.
That is correct. I do live in Texas. Originally from the East Coast but no desire to ever live there again.
My adult step children have been great.
So far we have Amil, ctlawyer, and Reb eliezer as widowed democrats
Is there any republicans on this site that’s widowed or divorced?
CA: They say that “opposites attract”. I think we need to find these two gentlemen and one lady Republican shidduchim.
My observation has been that sometimes even the most respectful children can act in way that are out of character. They can question and challenge. They will claim that they are just acting out of concern that their parent should not make a bad decision that hasn’t been thought through, etc. Though this concern is partly the genuine motivation, there’s also sometimes a resistance to seeing a parent in a relationship with someone who isn’t Mommy…
With regard to your question about families “blending”- my limited observation is that this less of an issue when seniors marry – the children aren’t really operating in a setting in which they are expected to blend into a single unit (as happens when younger people remarry). It seems to be a bit easier for everyone to be respectful and loving. Expectations and frustration, as always, should be somewhat managed by trying to anticipate areas of conflict and using open and clear communication ….
May Hashem guide you with Siyata dishmaya and chessed
First of all, please accept my condolences for your loss. A beloved spouse, with whom you built a family, can never be replaced.
That said, BE”H, you can find much happiness – and bring happiness to another at this phase of life, creating new memories and a new “family” feeling. I applaud your sensitivity for concern about how to best prepare your children for this new relationship, as even if they are fully grown and independent, a new marraige will affect them in many ways.
The first thing is to have a family discussion that you are feeling ready to explore dating again, and to reassure them that anyone you would marry would also need to appreciate your relationship with them. Ideally, before you make any decisions (which are yours alone to make ultimately), it would be kind to take things slowly and for them to have a chance to meet her and get used to the idea.
One of the big reasons for negativity of children surrounding a senior parent’s remarriage, is that surrounding inheritance. It would be good to consider how your remarriage may impact their potential inheritance and make some plans, according to what you deem appropriate. It may make sense to draft a pre-nuptial agreement, as anti-romantic as that sounds, it’s also reasonable for those who have significant assets.
Regarding housing and relocation, i think that is wholly individual and must be decided in the context of the potential relationship. If relocation to another area is not an option, just make that clear prior to embarking on another relationship.
I wish you the best of luck finding a warm and sympatico companion to share life’s blessings with. 🙂
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