Marriage

She should ONLY dress more attractive when in private at home. It is improper tznius to do so on the street or in public or when with someone other than her husband.

I am assuming you are not looking for her to be attractive to other men. BUY her something you find attractive, to wear just for you. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but if you don’t like what she is wearing, go shopping with her (yes I know how much men love to shop with their wives), and show her things that you would like for her to try on, and then be enthusiastic about the purchases.

go shopping with her and prepare to spend

“prorogatively”

what does this word mean in your world more_2?

Are you suggesting that your marriage is (to some degree) conditional on appearance? How you would answer this would make a world of difference in how to respond appropriately to your opening question.

Are you suggesting that your marriage is (to some degree) conditional on appearance? How you would answer this would make a world of difference in how to respond appropriately to your opening question.

Are there really people in the world who would answer that question in the negative? They should see a shrink.

remember its important to look attractive to you.. but not attracting to others!

I don’t even know if I’ll agree to that. Maybe it embarrasses me that other people think she is a slob.

I’m with popa.

For everyone jumping on the OP, there is a difference between showing off your features and trying I attract men, and just looking put together and attractive. Take a look in the clothing stores In Brooklyn and Queens, clothing is beautiful ( overpriced) but beautiful. There is no reason to dress slobbish, we should be attractive for our spouses.

Also, maybe start pointing out who in shul is dressed nicely (just kidding, unless you want to be sleeping on the back porch tonight)

This horrible attitude is exactly the problem. You should exactly be dressing up when at home alone with only him and NOT when going out in public.

cantgetit-

It is a sore point in my marriage, but we do know and appreciate how perfect we are for each other in many different ways.

The content of this thread is becoming irritating. It sounds like the equating of “attractive” with “provocative”. The former is acceptable, though not the ideal goal, as we are told explicitly “??? ??? ???? ?????”. The latter is plainly assur, and constitutes a violation of creating challenges of hirhurim. It is as assur for men to be triggered as it is for women to be the cause of such triggers.

Couples should spend enjoyable time together, and it does not need to involve the glorifying of taavos. There are forms of enjoyment that couples should have which are not meant for publicity, neither in the actual involvement nor in the public discussion of them.

My suggestion is this thread either be closed, or the comments limited to the aspects of this subject that are appropriate for exposure and public discussion.

Mods can we close this troll thread?

I don’t like this thread either. But the maybe-his-wife and maybe-her-husband talk above was good for a nice laugh here. 🙂

rtabs – Buy you wife some nice jewelry or perfume and try to subtly hint to her that you want her to dress better or in a different way but at the same time respect her wishes to dress a certain way as that is how many women (myself included) express themselves.

Just like with parenting children, when they do something right- praise them to the hills. they hear what makes you happy and want to please you. positive reinforcement really does work. so give your wife opportunities to dress up and tell her how much you enjoy that. dont tell her what you dont like, – criticizing is hurtful and ineffective, but letting her know what you like in a positive way is much more likely to get you what you want. every time she does something that you like, let her know very loudly. of course, that’s assuming that she ever does dress the way you want. if not, then you might want to suggest going on a shopping trip together. be very careful with her feelings- if a woman hears that her husband does not find her attractive- whoa, you dont want to go there. if there’s something particular that you would like, find the right moment, perhaps an intimate moment, when she is feeling good about herself, and start the conversation by telling her how much you appreciate her- and give specifics, and tell her something like that you dont want to be old fogeys, and remember when we were young etc. ask her if there’s anything you can do to make her happy. she might just tell you to take the garbage out. hopefully, the conversation will come around to reciprocating. you can think about it a second and say, you know what i would love, if you would try x for me. and if it’s something that might not be tznius, tell her to buy it just for you, at home.

and to the womenfolk, myself included, i say, yes of course, we should be dressing up for our husbands at home. what does that say, if we dress up to go out of the house, but not for our husband? dressing up does not mean heels and hose, but at least something- look in the mirror around the time that your dh comes home, and do something extra, put on some lipstick for him. in this scary world out there, with lots of opportunities for acting on our taayvos, the women have the power to protect our marriage.

momX4: If your husband wants you to dress like that only at home in private, then he is correct and you should. If he wants you to dress like that publicly, then you are correct and you shouldn’t.

will it help if i throw you under a bus?

argh. i hit you with club stick.

Rtabs,

Dressing outside is to much to ask, since its against Halacha and its more for the husbands ego.

After all, she is not you trophy.

Really rtabs, do you want other men looking at your wife who is “dressed to kill”? She can be machshil other men. How do you want them to view her? or view you? Why do you need her to dress so attractively outside? If she dressed that way inside, can’t you use your imagination to think about how she looks when you’re at home alone even when you’re out in public? Do you want to share her good looks with other men?

rtabs, i hope you mean dress up appropriately outside? while it is definitely a good idea for a couple to get dressed and go out together, she should never compromise her tznius by dressing up inappropriately outside of the house, because that means that the motivations on both their parts are not for the marriage itself. she can dress however she or he likes within the confines of their home, and she should definitely take more care in her general appearance for him at home.

Are other internet chat rooms and blogs better?

Facebook is not perfect, but it’s better. The only other place I frequent is a Mensa site, and it’s far, far better.

Why do people assume the OP wants his wife to compromise her Tsnius? Argggg! That’s not what he said. I see perfectly Tsnius women everyday on the streets who still look beautiful. It gives me motivation since having my child I have been a wee bit lazy, but I’m trying!