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People marry at different ages. For the ones that marry young, it is very important to ask themselves if they are ready for this. It is a big commitment and we need to be honest with ourself. Do they feel ready to settle down with a spouse and family? Or do they still want to go and have fun?
Of course, people might feel pressure sometimes to marry. But if the person knows he/she is not ready, they should try to find someone who supports how they feel so they can help put their message across.
They should make sure they are mature enough to make this commitment so the relationship stays strong and doesn’t desolve.
lol…I love the way you put that… “Do they feel ready to settle down…or do they still want to go and have fun?”
I think deciding to marry is a scary proposition to anyone. But you are right in that an critical ingredient is to be mature enough to make a commitment.
thats one way to look at it.
However one can look at it from a different perspective, if you take two people who are still young (i mean 18/19 Year old young..) before they have their characters molded, they can still bend and re-mold and become a team.
Once a person is older, they are like cooled plastic, very hard to bend.
the commitment does not get easier or smaller once you add another few years to your portfolio.
you dont ‘gain’ anything by pushing it off, especially if you are looking to have fun.
I agree 100%. It’s a hard question for people to ask themselves given the pressure to conform and do “things” in a timely fashion. I think lying to oneself about this, though, only increases grief in the long run, by dating endlessly and breaking hearts. I think honesty has to be on many fronts, not just when to marry but who to marry (what kind of person do YOU really want).
this is nuts. i never thought of this before. thanks for enlightening us all.
I think Marriage should be taught in school. And it should be noted that it is a serious commitment not to be taken lightly. One should understand that it is NOT disposable and that one should understand how the shechina suffers when there is a lack of shalom bayis and when a couple destroys a family and breaks up. Also it should be noted that when a person marries without a true commitment to build a life forever, they steal an opportunity from someone else to build a life with the other person.
Kids need to be taught how to choose a partner for the right reasons and not for the reasons others are choosing. Kids need to be taught to marry for the marriage and not for the excitement of the wedding. Kids need to be taught that marriage is real work and without the work necessary and the understanding necessary from each partner you can’t build the foundation on which a committed successful marriage and family can thrive.
This has to be taught before the shidduch and dating process. This has to be taught before the fun begins. Finance and budgeting and the reality of managing on your own needs also to be taught because that becomes a rude awakening.
aries: Well said.
You don’t need to teach kids about marriage.
A child must be taught that each person is different – “Just as their faces are different, their thoughts are different too.” A child must be taught that in order to cultivate healthy relationships, one must respect the other, and that specifically includes respecting those differences. A child must be taught to give to others, because this is what we do. A child must be taught to be grateful and to show appreciation. A child must be taught that friends, parents, siblings, etc. are not personal servants, but people with their own lives, people who are “the protagonists in their own movies,” insofar as the child is in his/hers. A child must be taught to communicate feelings properly. And so on.
Marriage does not need to be taught. Life does. Someone who has learned about life will figure out how to handle marriage.
aries2756: I think most girls’ high schools/seminaries DO have workshops on relationship building, communication, etc.
yitayningwut: Nice way to frame it.
OOM, I don’t know that they do, but it is NOT enough for the girls to have classes. They are only half the problem and half the equation.
there is no clear cut path in Marriage.
IMO i think that most people have to learn what NOT to do or NOT to say, prior to learning what should be done.
OneOfMany – Thanks.
One more thing. While I think it is important that schools focus on teaching these things, it is way more important that they be taught at home. However the best way to teach these things is by example, and unfortunately all too many times the examples aren’t there.
A child may not see parents fighting and it may seem to the child that the parents go out of their way to do for each other, but that is not enough. If the child sees the parent lying for personal gain, making fun of someone behind their back, ignoring someones plea for help, even if there is a legitimate reason for doing so but it is not explained on the spot, the child will learn that other people don’t matter. This may be the most overused cliche in the book, but it all starts at home.
I could be wrong (it happens regularly), 50 years ago, maybe even 25 years ago, no one needed training on how to be a good husband/wife. They had Torah. But I think that on a whole, they were were responsible and less selfish. People thought about others. I don’t know how to teach responsibility and lack of selfishness, but I know these are things I have had to overcome and in today’s children (yes 18 and 19 year olds and even older) it only gets worse.
one amendment: I am talking in generalities. Not intending to offend anyone in the CR.
Most good rabbonim recommend pre-marital counseling. It’s tough to go from “me” to “we”. The poison in any marriage is focus on the self. Mussar helps as well.
Jothar, good point! Focus on the self can be poison in a lot of areas. Mussar does help.
It would be good if children were taught about healthy relationships in school.
A couple foreseeable issues would be that the teacher may not know be versed him/herself in the matter, and if children learned to decipher unhealthy versus healthy relationships, they may point out troubles at home or with neighbors.
It could be cause for adults to check themselves (and how many really could handle that?)
children being taught about relationships while still in school would bring to girlfriends & boyfriends as kids & teenagers & can c”v bring to yichud & many other aveiros not allowed & the children not old enough to even know its not allowed.
better safe then sorry to leave it out of them until its nogea & then get them ready for marriage
“It would be good if children were taught about healthy relationships in school.”
They are starting to teach these kinds of things in high schools. I have a friend who is a high school principal and she told me they have a year long class about this in her school. One of the things they teach is how to recognize signs of abuse. Obviously, she hired someone who is qualified to teach the subject.
“Or do they still want to go and have fun?”
Actually,I want to start having fun.
This thread is pretty boring. It stayed on topic and everyone is agreeing with one other. Where can I send a complaint?
😉
If the road to marriage is paved with good intentions, don’t go down that road.
MA – this is generally only discussed in 11th or 12th grade or seminary. At that age, girls are ready to start thinking about marriage. Of course, the discussions have to be kept appropriate. To some extent, the definition of appropriate depends on the kids’ backgrounds.
I meant any type of relationship, like friendships and relationships with family.
My best friend growing up was abusive at times. I never even told my mother about how she treated me because I didn’t know that I didn’t have to be her friend.
That pattern likely started at home, influencing outside relationships/friendships.
Once I started dating, I tolerated way too much for too long. Retrospectively, t would have been great if someone explained to me that a healthy friend doesn’t get angry and yell at you when she’s in a bad mood. A healthy friend doesn’t put you down or get jealous and behave possessively if you have and want to spend time with other friends.
It starts with the most basic relationships. The neighbor down the street who goes to school with you. Your peers. Parents. Teachers.
Having a healthy model from the start can prevent abuse.
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