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forthebest, thanks for the question. If I were to hear this from a girl I was dating, and the girl seems to be strong in her faith and has a positive attitude even with everything she’s gone through, I would be impressed, amazed, and feel incredibly lucky to be dating someone like that. Not only would I “accept” it, I would consider it a huge bonus. It means she has the ability to see everything positively, and use the tragedies in her life to make herself an even better person. And, I would be able to relate Climbing mountains, I can totally understand why you feel that way. Luckily it really does not take over my life and I’m able to not think about it- unless I’m really bored and am just lying in bed daydreaming (then I quickly become proactive!) The hardest part for me, I believe, is acceptance and knowing it was not my fault and there is NOTHING I could have done to prevent it. Before I began seeing my therapist, any time a great guy was suggested for me, I would cringe and think, “why would he want to go out with me?!! If only I knew what I went through! HE for sure has no baggage!!” This is obviously 1 million percent the worst way to think. (That’s also why I didn’t date ‘straight off the plane,’ as I knew I needed to work on myself). It’s not been easy retraining my mind to think, “yes, what’s happened, happened. Look at what you are accomplishing now!” My therapist asked (or gently suggested) that I discuss it with someone else that I’m comfortable with, but right now, I’m not at that stage.
Middlepath-wow is all I can say. You really have a way with your words. I can really never thank you enough for all your support you’ve given us all. I hope all guys have the same attitude as you do.
Sorry middlepath, just realized the top of my previous post is yours…meant to delete it (I just copy and pasted it so I can refer to what I would write but never got rid of it).
I feel like this thread is becoming a real support group…and a really good one!!
…And every guy has baggage too.
I, for one, assume that every girl I am going out with has some sort of baggage (hopefully not too big); assuming it’s something that she has been able to take the most out of and learn from, in my mind it’s an added bonus. ‘Cuz if I’m looking for someone who never experienced anything, I’m going to be in the Parsha for a really long time (okay, even longer :-p)…
And I know what I’ve gone through, even though no one else would ever dream of it.
Support group sounds good right about now.
Struggling a lot. Person who knows everything that’s going on is now keeping his distance which is making it much harder for me to work on everything. I kinda feel like I’m just not strong enough for this.
I know I”m sounding ungrateful and e/t but really I’m not. It’s just a struggle right now:(
Happiest, unfortunately you are NOT alone, there are many feeling exactly what you are feeling, but B”H, you are capable of voicing your feelings. There are so many in your parsha who have not found their voice yet, let alone a support system. So even though that person has taken a walk for now, WE are here for you, and you have already accomplished so much just by finding your voice, speaking up and looking for support in the first place. Please do not let this set you back. There are survivors around who are willing to step up to the plate and offer support. There are support groups, and people who are willing to listen. Not everyone is cut out to carry such a huge burden on their shoulders. Believe me as painful as it was for you to experience it is also painful for someone that cares about you to imagine and accept that someone can do that to you, this great and wonderful and innocent being who couldn’t defend herself. Sometimes, that burden and knowledge just gets too difficult to bare.
So please reach out to those who can handle the pain and support you through your struggle.
Thanks aries and middle. I def have a good support system but this person is just a friend who knows everything and said they’d support me through the whole process so it’s hard that he’s not anymore in the same way he was originally. I know he’s still here for me but just not the same way he was before. He is actually waiting for me to do something in regards to this but I just am too scared to. And also I don’t even know if by me doing this it’ll change the way things are between us.
I know there are people who are in the same situation and it kills me!! And it should give me chizuk that there are ppl in the same situation but it doesn’t. It hurts me so much and I don’t know. I just feel strange 🙁
Sorry for complaining!! And thanks for e/t!!!
I just read the book Hush.. did you guys read it? It’s crazy.. I never knew these things really existed in the jewish community but now i see unfortunately it really does… i just can’t imagine. Nebuch.
I have a family issue that i always push aside, and you guys are so much stronger than me and are really giving me chizuk. ive been keeping it in a long long time and it’s so much piled up that i dont even know how to express any of it, but the fact that you guys are able to deal with these issues, I know that I’ll be okay and able to work mine out as well, bezH.
MiddlePath- what’s your music??
Thank you MP for your wisdom and for opening this thread. Happiest, my story has a lot in common with yours. Thank you talking about it. You are giving me so much chizuk. If you don’t mind me asking (don’t answer if I’m getting into a sore area)How do you interact with this family member?
happiest- I dont mean to br nosey but arent you scared that this family member that abused you will abuse others too? I mean like your siblings and things. dont you still see them around at simchos and things?
adorable- it’s not nosy, don’t worry.
I know this person does not do it anymore to anyone. It happens to be I see this person on an everyday basis.
I act completely normal around them and give them the utmost respect that they (I guess) deserve.
Need some support now please?! Really want that friend to care. It is so hard right now. I know I’m being pathetic but it’s so hard right now 🙁
Happiest, i can only imagine what it is like … i’m sorry for your pain – and the rest of you – i just wanted to reply to say that, to tell you that there are people out here who care. Keep strong, you can do it!
Wow MiddlePath, your story is horrifying and amazing at the same time- horrifying that you had to go through all that with hardly any support from others and amazing that you were able to pull thru with such courage and emunah! We should all learn from you…
May Hashem give you strength to continue helping and supporting others.
Thanks princess
Middle, thanks! You are so right about the self esteem thing. And I’m really not sure if the friend will start talking to me more if I do it. I need his support so badly though! I wish I could tell you guys what this major thing is, it is not just an everyday clean up my attitude thing, it is a really really huge thing. I’m scared about the consequences but I know it’s the right thing to do at the same time.
I’m going to try my hardest to do it but I’m scared that he won’t speak to me still afterwards and then the point of doing it (ya, because it is for my best) will be stupid.
Happiest, you sound really stressed out about it. Your friend probably feels that there is no way of really knowing whether this family member has stopped or not since you don’t monitor him 24/7. You only know that he stopped with you.
Please don’t think that he doesn’t care. Maybe he cares too much and just can’t handle the pain it causes him to know that you were hurt so badly and still carry the baggage with you. Maybe he fears that you will always carry the baggage until you report him. But don’t for one minute think that he walked away and doesn’t care. He might feel he needs a break because there is nothing he can do to help. It is not easy being the support system either. I know. I am up many nights because my mind does not shut off while I think about those who have come to me with their issues and I worry about how I am going to help them. Abuse has a rippling effect.
Aries, ya. I really am stressed about it lol.
He thinks I’m leaning too much on him, or thinks that I gotta take care of stuff b4 he can talk2me. I don’t know. And I really do understand where he’s coming from but its torturing me at the same time!
Happiest and MP you are two of the strongest people that I have ever encountered. Hashem should give you koach and use that inner strength that you posess. Happiest it is phenominal that you have come to that madraiga of respect (on a daily basis-wow!). I have read a lot of your posts in general, and you continue to inspire me. Listen to your true feelings- you may know more about what needs to be done than you think.
Happiest – I am not a therapist, psychiatrist or psychologist, so this is just a layeperson’s opinion, but it sounds like you need support and are feeling rejected by your friend who isn’t able to give it to you now, for whatever reason. Perhaps you should consider joining a support group or confiding in another close friend/relative, or seeing a therapist. You definitely need and deserve support and shouldn’t have to waste emotional energy dealing with the seeming rejection of your friend right now on top of everything else. He absolutely may have his reasons and likely cares very much about you, as aries has pointed out, but you can’t run after him because it will only drain you more.
Also, although of course no one can tell you what to do and certainly no one can judge you or what you’ve been through, perhaps, as aries pointed out, your friend is concerned that although you think your abuser has stopped, you don’t really know that for sure. If this individual did this to others before you, wouldn’t you have wanted them to report him or otherwise stop him in some way before he could do it to you? And in the off-chance that he could or would do this again to someone else, or is doing it now, you are in a unique position of being able to help another innocent victim. I am not in any way judging you or telling you what to do and cannot imagine what you’ve been through and are currently going through, and I can’t imagine how hard it would be to come forward, but just giving you something else to consider.
You must take care of yourself! You have so many people here rooting for you!
Happiest, I was thinking about you on shabbos. I don’t know what it is that this guy who helped you wants you to do. But I hope that you don’t feel bullied into doing it. Sometimes people have to use different tactics to get others (who are resisting help) to do things that are ultimately good for them. It’s been done to me and I’ve had to do it to friends. But if you’re taking care of yourself and are under the care of a competent therapist, I’m not so sure he should be twisting your arm like that to get you to do what HE feels is good for you. You have to be sure that it IS, in fact, good for you. I can see you really respect him and trust him, and he may be right in doing what he’s doing. Without knowing what it is, it’s hard to say.
Just wanted to leave this post in case you needed to hear an outside objective to see things more clearly. Good luck!
Happiest, Did you read the book “HUSH”. I just read it over Shabbos. The author tells her own story about this issue and how she dealt with it.
wow. just read this thread now, even though it was on for a while. i wanted to really sit down and read it. middle and happiest, you guys are amazing!! i feel sorry for all that you had to go thru and i wish you hatzlacha with everything.
its also making me think that b”h i have such a normal, regular life. and i still complain and make issues about stupid, petty things while other people have it so much harder then me and yet come out so strong….
HATZLACHA!
Kudos to all of you who are dealing so beautifully with life’s challenges. Takes loads of inner strength… I admire you all!
By the way, which stores sell this book “hush”? which company published it? (feldheim, artscroll, etc…?)
Hush was not published by Jewish publishers, probably because no one wants to touch such a topic. I borrowed mine from my library, and Amazon sells it. I’m not sure who the publishers are.
Jewish bookstores sell it as well.
hey middlepath,
that musta been really tough. its funny your saying this because even though i come from an awesome fam b”h and i couldnt really begin to understand the situation you must be in, til recently, i was having these crazy jealousy feelings for another reason. to the point that i got really down and depressed about certain issues that im having. but then i started thinking about what i can accomplish in my situation that no others can accomplish in theirs. and i realized that although my situation may be really tough for me to handle, obviously i can REALLY DO things with this situation. and i know this doesnt really help with your problem about having a shul and all, but i”h when you find ur match, ul feel loved by ur future wife and her family, because she will be taking you for WHO YOU ARE, not for who your dad is!!! keep strong!!!
MP, mishaneh makom mishaneh mazel. You are a grown up now in charge of your own life. Your community does NOT deserve you. They are NOT willing to learn anything from you and they are NOT willing to change. Unless of course you decide to stand up in shul and let them all know how they let you and your family down. If not what is keeping you there? Why not go make a change. Go find yourself a new community where no one knows your past and start living a normal life. Join the shul, join the Yeshiva, join the gym. You are not your father’s son. You are Hashem’s child. You are entitled to be loved like any other Jew. You have carried this burden long enough. Leave this baggage behind and find a community that will welcome a great guy like you. You have your whole life ahead of you. You don’t owe them anything and you certainly don’t owe your father anything. Spread your wings and fly.
I was going to say the same thing as Aires, but she said it much better 🙂
middlepath- my heart just broke for you when I read your post about the aufruf. Just know that you are an amazing person and you will marry an amazing girl who will appreciate everything about you.
Oh, and all the suggestions for you to move away really are good ideas. I know, it takes time to work things out and to start becoming comfortable with the idea but definitely you should keep it in mind, imo.
How about your mom moving away with the whole family and starting anew in a new community? A lot to gain. Anything to lose?
middlepath, I am also. Thanks for starting it!! Must’ve taken a lot of courage to do that!!!
Middle, honestly the last coupla days have been really hard for me and unfortanately when that happens I debate living as well. But everytime I think like that, I come back to e/t that you’ve said and I just tell myself that I can’t do a/t crazy. I just gotta move on and deal with it even though it is painful.So thanks for making such a big impact on my life!!
PS- I see other posters have written things that I missed. Gonna respond tom, iy”H when I’m on my laptop and not my phone.
Gnite for now:)
what happened to my post and a few others? they were all approved and they just disappeared?
I don’t want this thread to go off the front page so trying to bump it up. I think it is a way helpful thread that should stay put for a while!
Really sad again 🙁
My friend told me that he never said that we would start talking more now that I did what he asked me to do. I’m so sad!!! I thought he would talk to me a little bit more. I’ve been trying so hard and he doesn’t even care. And he doesn’t even realize how much talking to me helps me out.
I’m sitting here crying:( I feel so hopeless sometimes!
happiest, I wish I could give you a hug and make you feel better so here it is:
? Huge Hug ?
Now, there is something you need to keep in mind. You can’t control other people only yourself and you can’t change other people only yourself. AND men are so different from women. The only person you can really count on 100% is you. There is no way of knowing how someone else is going to react to your problems and issues, your moods, your ups and downs, or anything else. Some people appear to be strong but are really just mush on the inside and some appear to be very weak and really step up to the plate when they have to.
Women expect men to be really strong, and someone we can lean on. That is not always the case. Sometimes they can just cave and go “What do you want from me? This is too much for me to handle” It is only when a man is totally committed to the relationship that he doesn’t find it to be a burden because then your pain is also his pain, and your problem is also his problem. “just a friend” is not really a committed relationship like a parent to a child or siblings or a husband to a wife. It is terribly painful when we think, that a person is our rock and they are our support system no matter what. It really takes a very mature person to be able to be that support system and be there for us through our pain and our tribulations.
Happiest, I know that you don’t need additional pain to add to what you are already going through and you didn’t need another betrayal. But he might have felt he was getting sucked into a relationship that he didn’t want and couldn’t handle. You might NOT be on the same page and that is very frightening to feel that a girl may care about you and rely on you way more than you are willing to care for them and want them to care and rely on you. He might be getting advice from his friends and family to cut and run.
While you are still in recovery from your issues, it is probably not a good idea or a good time to get involved with anyone on such a close or personal level. As you can see it could be too devastating and hurtful when it is not going well. In addition, it is never a good idea to rely on anyone else too heavily and it would be much more beneficial for you to find your inner strength and learn to rely on yourself and trust yourself. It is important to have a support system. But support is different than reliance and you really need to be able to differentiate the two.
Happiest, if your health depends on this person, there is a huge problem here and you need to speak about it with your therapist not with your friend. I hope this helps in some way.
Happiest, i hurt so much for you when i read your words. I wish i could be there for you in a real way.. i don’t have much to offer in terms of advice about your friend, only my sincere sympathy. i know a lil what it’s like to have somebody you’re so close to turn away.
i’m so .. awed by your courage and strength, fighting such a difficult battle so bravely.
MiddlePath, same for you.
May G-d continently give you the strength and make it easier for you, showing you that he cares and is there.
And i’ll third the hug … (((((hugs)))))
aries, thanks for the hug:)
And it’s funny you say that I shouldn’t emotionally involve myself with anyone because the devastation of losing them might be too much. Don’t they always say that every person needs atleast one person who is going to be there for them throughtout struggles and who will know e/t that is going on?
Also, I think I’m going to just take a step back from this friend. Leave it be for a while and see what happens.
Middlepath- thanks for the emotional hug;)
princess- thanks! Your support is soooo helpful!!! Thank you!!!
I never planned on posting or signing in as I haven’t done so for a year but after reading just about every post here, I changed my mind…
I felt inspired by the outlook of emunah and positiveness MiddlePath has developed towards life.
I felt touched by the numerous wise and caring comments that aries has contributed since the start of this column.
I felt amazed at the inner strength of Happiest who despite all her pain, and all the challenges that have come her way, she still emerges determined to get through these ordeals and with her motto, which is her user name, “happy”ness.
I felt proud that I’m part of a nation that has other “Queens” and “Mountain Climbers” and many more such caring and concerning people as members.
…this is why I felt the need to comment.
Chazak V’nischazek! Stay strong! You are ALL an inspiration for the rest of us!
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